Page 37 of Light in the Dark
"But?" She picked up on what I didn't say, clearly.
"But…" I trail off, embarrassed to the point of nausea. "Never mind."
“No, not never mind," she says, inching closer yet, wedging herself between me and the sink, looking up at me with wide, curious eyes. "Tell me."
"I can't," I say, my voice a rough, low rasp.
"You can't?"
"All I see is you," I whisper. "And it feels wrong to…fuck, I dunno…use you like that."
"Oh, Felix," she sighs, resting her forehead against my chest. "That's so sweet. Andsofucking stupid."
I frown, caught off guard by her statement. "Stupid?"
"How would I know? Unless you told me, I mean. And I can't imagine why you would tell me. That's none of my business." She reaches up and caresses my jaw, smiling at me sweetly.
"I know, I know," I say, shrugging. "I know it's irrational. I just…can't."
"So you just…suffer?" she says, with another glance down at my raging erection.
I shrug. "It goes away. Usually. Eventually."
"I wouldn't mind,” she whispers. "In fact, I might even be flattered."
"Ember, I…" I gaze down at her. "I don't know. I'm all over the place, right now. I want you so fucking bad. I wanna kiss you and never stop. Kiss you until you fucking—" I cut off with a harsh sigh. "I want you naked. I want you coming all over me. I want your hands on my cock. I want to fuck your pretty little mouth. I want to make love to you in every position there is and maybe make up a few new ones."
Her mouth falls open and pink stains her cheeks and her eyes go wide and wild. "Fee," she breathes. "Jesus. Careful what you say to a girl."
I'm not done, though. "I want to know everything about you. I want to know what happened to you. Why you're so fucking sad. I want to erase that sorrow. I want to be the one to put a smile on your face every goddamn morning. I want to make you forget the sadness.”
Her eyes water, and she blinks hard, twin tear tracks slipping down her cheek. "Felix. Fuck. FUCK!"
She turns away, shaking her head violently, hair slapping her shoulders, and then scrubs at her face with both hands.
"Ember, I—"
She shakes her head again, and I go silent. "Fee, I…"
"And I don't think I can have one without the other," I whisper. "I need both. And I don't know if you're ready for the second part."
"I'm not," she breathes, her voice so soft I can barely make out her words. "I'm not sure I'm ready for either part, Fee. I want to be." She looks up at me, quicksilver gaze fraught with a whirling hurricane of emotions. "I fuckingwantto be ready for all of that. But I'm not and I don't even know where the fuck to start."
"That's why I stopped, Ember. And that's why I can't seem to let myself find any relief, no matter how blue my balls are." I wrap my arms around her, turning into her, pressing my lips to her crown and inhaling her scent.
"I don't want you to be in pain because of me," she murmurs.
"I'll be fine. I don't think anyone's ever suffered any long-term effects from blue balls." I kiss her head softly. "I won't push, Ember. Not for you to share anything, and certainly not for you to be ready when you're not. If you're looking for a guy who's gonna push you out of your shell or whatever, I'm not him."
She barks a laugh. "No, trying to force me to do anything will always backfire on you in the most spectacular fashion you could imagine. I have a very serious case of oppositional defiant disorder. Undiagnosed, but I'm pretty damn sure I have it."
I laugh. "Noted. I'll never tell you what to do."
"Safe choice." She leaves my arms and paces a step away, raking her hands through her hair. "I don't know what to do, Felix."
"About what?
A bitter laugh. “Everything? My feelings for you. Whatever the girl version of blue balls is called. My fucked up, shattered heart. My bus. Where to live." She looks at me, her eyes touching on mine, and then raking down to my open fly, my still furiously erect cock. "Everything I want is so mixed up."
