Page 47 of Light in the Dark
"We're not doing deep shit, I didn't think. I've got my own hangups, Ember."
"Clearly," I answer. "And that's okay. But, Fee, this has to go both ways. I'm not ready to get into deep shit. But this…I fucking need this—Ineedit. Okay? I…"
"Why?" he demands. "Whydo you need it?"
"Because I was fuckingdeadinside, Felix!" I yell. "My husband died and I died with him. Okay? I was going through the motions of life, but I wasn’t alive. I was…a zombie. And then I met you, and suddenly, I felt alive again. I saw you standing there in the road, and for the first time in almost a year, Ifeltsomething. And every second I spend with you, I feel more alive."
He opens his mouth to speak, but I touch his lips with my fingers.
"Let me talk, Fee."
He nods. "Okay, then."
"I'm not okay. I'm gonna have another breakdown at some point. That one earlier was just…" I shake my head and shrug. "The tip of the iceberg. My heart is fucked up.I'mfucked up. But I want to be alive again. I want to feel again. And I don’t—I don't know how to explain it, but I need this. I need to feel like a woman again. I need to feel beautiful, wanted, and desired—and you give that to me. You make mefeel. I can't deal with my emotions yet, but you let me feel other things. When you touch me, it reminds me that I'm not dead. I'm alive, and I'll be okay someday, and—and—" I cut off, shaking my head. "But it's not enough, Fee. I needmore. I needyou. I need to know I can…" I swallow hard. "I can still enjoy life. I can give pleasure."
"Ember, I just—"
“No, shut up and hear me, please. Sex, for me, is just as much about giving as receiving, and I need to do this. I want to. I want to make you feel good. We don’t have to get into the deep shit—we will, soon, I promise. But I need this right now.”
"And I don't know if I can," he whispers. "I…I did something a long time ago, and it messed me up. I did something wrong, and I’m…I don't deserve—" he shakes his head. "I can't."
"Did you hurt someone?" I ask.
"Not physically."
"You made a mistake."
He nods. "A big one. A bad one."
"And you're still punishing yourself for it." I rest my hand on his chest.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"So forgive yourself. You made a mistake. So what? It happens. You're human. We all fuck up. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to receive good things in your life ever again."
"I'm just…stuck. In my own mind. In my heart. I'm stuck."
I push against him, trapping his hard cock between our bodies—between my soft stomach and his hard abs. "Felix, maybe…maybe this is the start of the way forward. Letting yourself have something good. Something innocent."
He arches his eyebrows. "Innocent?"
"Yes, Fee, innocent! We're two consenting adults. I'm single, you're single—right?"
"Right."
"So, this is okay. This is good. This is just…two adults having fun together." I reach up and take his face in my hands. "I'm not ready to have sex with you, Felix. But Idowant this much for right now. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me? Let me use you. It's shitty of me—I'm hiding behind sex. I'm deflecting my emotional baggage by using you for physical pleasure."
"Is it still using me if I fully understand what you’re doing and continue to allow it?" he asks.
"I dunno. I just want to be clear about what's happening, because this is…" I shake my head. "I don't know who I am right now. This is…it almost feels like an out-of-body experience—I'm not like this. It takes me a long time to open up to men, and I usually need a strong emotional connection with someone before I can even feel attraction, much less feel comfortable with sex. But you, Felix…" I shake my head. “It's totally different with you, and it's freaking me out, because I want this, I fucking need it, and I want it and need it so desperately it scares me, but I'm not looking at how I feel at all, I'm just…I'm letting my body take what it wants, and it wants you." I rub my face. "It makes no sense, I know."
"It doesn't have to make sense," he says. He licks his lips, sighing, thinking. "Ember, I…I want to let you. Believe me."
"You've had an erection for a long time. It has to be uncomfortable."
He closes his eyes, nodding. "It hurts."
I gyrate against him sinuously. "So let me help." I kiss his jaw, beside his ear, then whisper to him. "Whatever happened, Felix, it's in the past. I promise you, you're the only one holding it against you."
