Page 53 of Light in the Dark
"Don't know what that is."
"Someone who has to establish a strong emotional connection before any kind of sexual contact is possible." She must feel me thinking, because she huffs a laugh. "Thus why I said that what we just did is so unusual for me. We just met. I barely know you. Maybe I never was demisexual, maybe I was just…a heartbroken kid who fell very slowly in love. I dunno."
"I couldn't say. Not sure a label is necessary, if you ask me, but that's up to you."
A shrug. "I dunno—I have a lot of reflection to do, I guess." A pause. “Things developed very slowly, like I said. It was a full year before I even kissed him, and then almost two months before I was comfortable going any further, and he never rushed me, never expressed any kind of impatience. He was just…so damn sweet all the time."
"Sounds like it. That’s a lot of patience for a twenty-year-old kid."
“That's Dutchie for you. Wise beyond his years. He was the definition of an old soul. Patient. Kind. Not an aggressive bone in his body." Pause. Her voice goes soft, hesitant. "Sex with him was…soft and sweet. Passionate, but always sweet. And that's what I needed. My, um…my first time wasn't great, and it sorta messed me up, but that's a story for another time."
"Doesn't have to be," I say. "Up to what you feel ready to share."
She sighs. “Okay, well, here you go, then. A quick aside to tell the awful story of how Ember lost her virginity and regretted it forever." A lip-fluttering sigh. "I was sixteen, and I'd lived my whole life, as previously established, with Mom and her commune. Being hippies, they were all about free love and were totally okay with nudity. That's why I'm fine showing a lot of skin—I grew up seeing people naked and being naked around people from a very young age. It was never a big deal—it’s just bodies. But they were also very free with sex. It was common to walk into a trailer or RV or whatever and see people having sex, or having just had sex. But I hadn’t been with anyone, and I was ready. But I was also looking for love. I was a romantic sixteen-year-old, you know? I wanted a big, crazy love, and I didn't want my first time to be with the person I loved. I knew it would be awkward and probably not great. So I…" she sighs, but it's more of a growl. "We were living in Atlanta between tours, and there was a guy who lived in the unit a few doors down from ours in the motel. We started flirting, and I made it clear I wanted to sleep with him. I told him I was a virgin."
Another long pause. I can sense that this isn’t going to go well.
"At first, he was cool about it. Kissed me. Touched me. All that first base, second base, third base stuff. But then, once he was ready to have sex, he…he just went for it. Turned into ramjet the rookie. He wasn't gentle about it. He just—" a shudder, a shake of her head. "He fucked me,hard.”
"Jesus," I snarl. "What an asshole."
"Yeah," she whispers. "I asked for it, so I can't say it was rape, and I do mean that literally. I gave him my verbal consent before we started. I just…I didn't think he'd dothat. He was—it waspainful. Excruciating. And he wouldn’t stop. Kept moving me around like it was a porn shoot."
This makes my blood boil. "How old was he?"
A long pause. "Twenty."
I go still, fighting my fury. I only realize how unsuccessful I am when she squeaks in protest. "Fee, you're squeezing too hard. It hurts."
"Fuck,” I snap, immediately loosening my grip. "I'm sorry, Ember. I just…that was assault, you know. Consent is one thing, so is it technically rape? Maybe not. That's not for me to decide. But itabsolutelycategoricallywassexual assault.Andstatutory rape."
"I was sixteen, and the age of consent in Georgia is sixteen."
"Fuck that,” I growl, fury boiling my blood. "What's his name?"
"Felix, stop." She twists to gaze up at me, tugging my chin down. "It was over ten years ago."
"Doesn't matter. He oughta have his fucking skull caved in with a framing hammer."
"Felix!" she snaps, angry now. "Stopit!"
I growl again, a long rumble of fury. "You were sexually assaulted by a grown man. Makes me fucking furious." I try to calm myself with some deep breaths, but it doesn't do dick. "The phrase ‘murderous rage’ comes to mind."
She rolls to her belly on me, tits draped onto my chest like heavy warm silk weights. She cups my jaw in her hands, nuzzling my chin with her lips. "I'm okay, Fee. Really, I am." She shimmies higher, snaking her arms around my neck and burying her nose and mouth in the side of my neck. "No violence, okay?"
I let out a sigh. "As long as I never see that motherfucker."
I feel calmer; it has more to do with Ember's embrace, the warmth and softness of her skin against mine and the press of her curves than any deep breathing I might do, and certainly not because she doesn't like violence. If I came face-to-face with that fuckstain, he wouldn't be walking away. I don't tell him that, though.
"You're still stewing," she murmurs. "You gotta let it go. I'm over it."
"How'd you know?" I ask.
She snickers. “You're tensed up harder than a brick wall." She nips my earlobe. "Do I need to relax you again?"
I can't help but laugh. “Yeah, maybe." I palm her ass. "Keep telling your story. Please."
“Okay, but no more murder talk."
