Page 55 of Light in the Dark
"Fuck, man."
"It's part of what bonded us. We were both alone in the world." She pats my chest. "There. Now you know."
“Thank you for sharing that with me, Ember."
She wriggles and then goes still. "Where are you, with us?"
I sigh. "I…I don't know. That was…fucking magical. But I…there's so much beneath it, you know?"
"You're not talking about my story."
"No."
She nods, sighs. "I'm struggling with it, if I'm being honest." She lifts up to meet my eyes. "Not you. And I don't regret it. Not at all. Just the opposite, and that's the problem."
"I guess I'm not following," I admit.
Sighing, Ember rolls off me and scootches up to a sitting position, tucking the quilt under her arms. "It's hard to explain, and I'm not sure how much you really want to hear."
"Why wouldn't I?" I ask.
“Because in order for it to make any sense, I’d have to talk in some detail about my relationship with Dutchie. Sexually, I mean."
"I mean…" I stare into space, taking the time to truly consider what she's saying and how it'd feel. "I'd really like to understand, Ember. I know it might be a little awkward or uncomfortable, but it's important. It's not my call, though. It's your story to tell, and only if it's not too painful to talk about."
She rakes stiffened fingers through her hair, nodding absently. "It's going to be painful. But there's nothing about this that isn't." She glances at me. "I just…I'm confused."
"Did…" I wince, not wanting to ask the question for fear that the answer will be yes. "Did this—you and me, just now…did it confuse you even more?"
She barks a laugh. "Fuck yes it did, Fee. It didn't confuse memore—it's the entire reason I'm confused."
I sigh, thunking my head against the headboard. "Oh."
She looks at me, smiling. "Don't take that personally, Felix. It's not about you, it's about…everything. Me losing Dutchie. How I came into my sexuality with him after what happened with Rob." She points at me. "I'm not telling you his last name. Murdering him won't do anything for me."
I hold up my hands palms out. "Fine. No murders."
"I was…both innocent and jaded by the time I met Dutchie. Like I said, I grew up seeing sex and nudity regularly, so it wasn't some weird foreign concept to me. And I'd had sex. Which, up until he actually got inside me, was actually pretty enjoyable. The initial exploration, I mean. Kissing, touching, all that. I liked it. He was a good-looking guy, an older guy, a bad boy, tattoos, rode a motorcycle, all that."
"Everyone likes a bad boy until he does something bad," I say.
She snorts. "No shit. Learned that one the hard way. Anyway, after what happened with Rob—after he sexually assaulted me—" she trails off, staring at nothing, and I see her eyes go hazy.
"Ember?" I ask, turning toward her. "Hey. What is it?"
A shake of her head. "Just—I…I never framed it in those terms, in my mind. I guess I knew it wasn'tright, but I've never, like, identified as a survivor of sexual assault. It sort of skews my whole perspective on it. On everything." She sniffles, swipes her middle fingers under her eyes. "It was traumatic. I was scarred by it. It went from being something I'd been enjoying to terrifying and painful like that—" she snaps her fingers. "And he wouldn't stop. I told him I didn't like it. I asked him to stop, to be gentle. He—" She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter."
"Have you ever spoken about it? Like, told the whole story to anyone?"
A small shake of her head. "I told Dutchie pretty much what I told you. There are details I've never…never been brave or strong enough to talk about."
"You can tell me." I face her sitting cross-legged, the quilt across my lap.
"I don't know if I can, Fee," she whispers.
"And you don't have to. But…" I rub my jaw. "When Riley got out of prison, there were things that he saw, things he had to do on the inside that really fucked him up. And until he told someone about it, like got it out of him and into the world, he was a fucking mess. He had panic attacks all the time. That’s how I knew how to help you when you had yours. Maybe a professional therapist is a better option for you. God knows I'm not one. I'm just saying, I'm here. I'll listen."
"Part of me is like, I've cried enough today. I fuckinghatecrying, and it feels like all I've done with you is fucking cry and be all emotional and shit." She shakes her head, running her hair through her fists. "But then, I also feel like if I don't get it out now, I never will."
