Page 52 of Neat
I wondered if she was across town right now, cursing herself and thinking through excuses to blow off work tomorrow to avoid seeing me.
I wondered if I’d ever be the same again, now that I’d had her.
I knew the answer to that last musing, though I chose not to admit it. Instead, I lifted my glass, taking a sip of the amber liquid inside it and glancing at my older brother across the fire.
Noah could barely sit still, and every two seconds, he was pulling his phone from his pocket to spout off a text before tucking it back in. Tomorrow morning, he was getting on a plane to Salt Lake City to go see his girlfriend, Ruby Grace, for the first time in a month.
Jordan sat next to him, possibly more drunk than I’d seen him my entire life — and that was to say, he had a slight buzz. His eyes were glossy, lids heavy, and a permanent smile was fixed on his face — which, again, was rare, considering he smiled about as much as I left my bed unmade in the morning. The high school football team had finished out their season with an epic win at the state championship game Friday night, making it the second time he’d lead them to that victory as head coach. The trophy was inside, set up as a centerpiece on the dinner table for us to celebrate around tonight.
And Mikey, who was sitting on the other side of me, was the complete opposite of his oldest brother. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him smile, and watching him now — his eyes on the fire, his hands empty, no longer strumming on a guitar like they normally would have been around a fire before dinner, I wondered if this was one of those moments in his life where everything changed — namely, who he was.
I’d had a few of those pivotal moments in my life, and I knew there were some things you bounced back from, and other things that permanently shifted you. I guess if the love of my young life left me to go to Nashville when I’d always thought we’d chase her dreams together, I’d be fucked up, too.
Noah let out a frustrated sigh, kicking back in his chair with so much force he knocked a bit of whiskey out of the glass balancing on the arm of it. He wrapped his hand around it to steady it again, but his foot immediately started bouncing, taking his whole leg with it.
I smirked. “Nervous, bro?”
“I can’t fucking sit still,” he said, stating the obvious. “I should be excited to get on that plane in the morning, but instead, I feel so nervous I might actually vomit.”
“Why in the world are you nervous?” I asked. “I was joking. I thought you were just so excited you couldn’t wait for that six a.m. wake-up call.”
“I haven’t seen her in a month,” he pointed out, wiping the sweat off the outside of his glass with his thumb. “What if she hasn’t missed me. What if she’s having the time of her life out there and not thinking about me at all. What if I get there and I’m only in her way and she can’t wait for me to leave. What if she met someone who—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Jordan said on a laugh. He held out his hands. “Ruby Grace loves you, Noah. She’s probably so excitedshecan’t sit still on the other side of the country. It’s okay to be nervous,” he added with a shrug. “It’s been a while, and you guys went from living in the same town to being long distance overnight. It’s going to be different. But the love you have?” He shook his head. “That’s the same. If anything, it’s stronger.”
“But—”
“She walked out on her fucking wedding for you,” Mikey said, cutting off Noah’s rebuttal.
We all grew silent, turning to face our youngest brother who had said more to us in that sentence than he had in weeks.
“If that doesn’t tell you that woman loves you, then I don’t know what will.” He tossed a rock he’d been turning over in his hands somewhere behind him, standing. “I’m going for a walk. Tell Mama I’ll be back in time for dinner.”
He didn’t say another word, and none of us tried to stop him. He disappeared down the driveway, only the moonlight guiding him past that.
Jordan’s mouth turned to the side as he watched him go. “We’ve got to do something to help him.”
“It’s only been a couple months,” Noah said. “I’m sure he’s just grieving.”
“Maybe,” I chimed in. “But, we may also have to come to terms with the fact that the young, carefree Mikey we knew before is gone now. I mean, didn’t we all hit a point in our lives where all that perpetual joy left? When we realized the world could be a really fucking cruel place?”
My brothers were silent then, each of them remembering a time in their life when it happened, just as I was remembering mine. I was almost positive it was the same moment for all three of us — that unforgettable summer day when we lost the man who’d raised us.
Noah turned the subject to Jordan, asking him to recount the game Friday night. Mom had gone out of town with him to watch the game, but Mikey had asked to stay behind, so Noah offered to stay back with him. And I’d been at home trying to figure out dad’s laptop — which I still hadn’t told my brothers about.
My stomach turned, because for some reason, I didn’t feel like I could open up to my brothers about anything going on with me — not the punishment I’d received at work, not the laptop I’d found, anddefinitelynot the fact that I’d slept with Mallory Scooter and liked it.
I’d been able to go to my brothers with everything in my life up until that point, but something in my gut told me I couldn’t go to them and get the answer I wanted to hear. What Iwantedwas for them to nod in understanding, to smile when I admitted I’d had a crush on her forever, and to high five me when I told them I’d had the best sex of my life last night. I wanted them to say they loved me and didn’t give a fuck if I was dating a Scooter.
But the reality was that not a single one of them would say anything close to that.
And I couldn’t blame them.
There was a tie between our families — Mallory’s and mine — and though no one said it out loud, every single one of us thought that line was drawn in blood. In myfather’sblood, to be exact.
Something shady happened at that distillery the day my father died.
But maybe, if I cracked the hard drive open, I could find the answers we’d been looking for for years — and free Mallory of the stigma my family had for her in the process.
