Page 37 of Old Fashioned
Here I’d been chastising my team the past few weeks, telling them to be respectful of Sydney, and it had beenmewho had crossed the very line I’d put in place. She’d trusted me — not just here on the field and at the school, but in her home, too. I was there to work with Paige, to reassure Sydney that it was all going to be okay, and instead, I’d put her in the worst-possible situation.
I felt like a predator, and even more, like a joker.
Because the worst part of it all was that I really did think she wanted to kiss me, too.
I’d thought I’d read the signs right, that she’d leaned into me and looked up at me with eyes that silently pleaded for me to break the rules and lower my mouth to hers. I thought she’d opened up to me, and that I’d opened up to her, in return, and that we’d crossed into a new territory that could no longer be defined by our roles on the Stratford High School football team.
I’d thought we’d shared something that night — hell, that entireday.
What. An. Idiot.
I’d run over my mistake in my head for the rest of the weekend, and nothing could save me from my thoughts. Not even taking the Bronco out mudding or dinner with my family on Sunday night brought me relief. Mom commented on how I was even quieter than usual, but I couldn’t even open up to her about what had happened —thatwas how stupid I felt.
More than that, I felt irresponsible.
I decided long ago that relationships were not for me. I knew too well how they could fail, how one partner could be left behind, how the pain that came with love almost always outweighed the pleasure. I never wanted to be in that line of fire, and more than that, I never wanted to be responsible for someone else’s demise, either.
Footballwas the love of my life, and I was happy with that.
So, when I’d crossed that line with Sydney, I’d done so not with the intention to hook up with her, to have a one-night stand, to have somethingcasual.
I’d done it with the knowledge that I didn’tdoanything half-assed.
I wanted her. I wanted to court her and date her and take things slow and worship her and eventually call her mine.
I wanted all those things knowing that she’d already been through hell once, judging by the ugly breakup with her and Randy, and that I would likely put her through it again, because that was just the way love worked.
Round and round and round these thoughts went in my head, all weekend long, like a carousel of torture that ran on its victims screams — of which there were plenty. Even working through more of Dad’s journal entries hadn’t distracted me from what I’d done and what it would mean.
And all along, I’d been dreading this very moment — when we’d have to be at work together, and it wouldn’t be the same as it was when we worked together just three days ago.
Another heavy sigh racked my chest as I tried to soothe my anxiety with a deep breath, and at that very moment, my office door swung open and slammed shut again before Sydney plopped her ass down in the chair on the opposite side of my desk.
“Alright,” she said, tying her hair up in a knot on her head before her eyes locked on mine. “Let’s get this awkward conversation out of the way now, shall we?”
It was unfortunate that I’d just exhaled instead of inhaled, because I held my breath from the moment she sat down, waiting for her to continue.
“So, we kissed,” she said, as if we were discussing a player who got hurt on the team and what to do about it instead of everything I’d worried about for the past forty-eight hours. “I think we can both agree that we were tired, it’d been a long day, we had been drinking and we were talking about some pretty heavy things and neither of us were thinking clearly.”
I kept my mouth shut, because while Icouldagree with some of that, I didn’t agree with the last part.
I was thinkingveryclearly when I pressed my lips to hers.
“The first thing I want to address is…” She paused, rolling her lips together. Her eyes that had been so fiercely on mine fell to something on my desk — an object serving as a focal point, I imagined. “I just don’t want you to think that you did anything wrong, because you didn’t. I…” She swallowed. “I also took part in what happened, and it was not one-sided or anything.”
Her eyes flicked to mine, but they didn’t stay there long.
“That being said, I have a lot on my plate right now with my recent divorce, and with Paige, and I just…” She sat a little straighter, finally looking at me again. “Frankly, I do not have the capacity to be… likethat… with anyone right now. And I think we both agree that even if I did, it shouldn’t be my boss. I know there are no written rules or anything, but you and I both know that I can’t…wecan’t…”
I remained silent, though I was very aware of how tight my chest was at those words.
“Anyway, I wanted to come directly to your office this afternoon so we could just put this all behind us. What do you think?”
My eyes bulged, because it was my time to speak and I hadn’t evenbreathedsince she’d walked into my office.
I started there, inhaling a stiff breath before I nodded, schooling my features. “Yes. Of course, totally.”
“So, we’re in agreement, then?” she asked. “We can just pretend like it never happened?”
