Page 85 of Old Fashioned
I wondered if maybe therecouldbe a friendship between us, one that was comfortable and safe and where no lines would be crossed. Would he want to still come over and work with Paige? To stay for dinner? To be with us?
The answer, I knew, was that he would love those things — but that now that we’d crossed the line into being more than friends, we could never just tiptoe back over it as if nothing had ever happened.
My chest was tight, tears pricking the corners of my eyes as I watched Paige sprawled out on her belly in the middle of the living room floor making a card for Jordan. Her little legs swung in the air, and she’d stop every now and then to look up at the TV before she’d get back to her task.
It was too much for me to bear, and so I slipped outside, dialing my sister’s number as soon as the sliding glass door was shut.
“Well, if it isn’t the State Champ!” she greeted enthusiastically. “Please tell me you’re extremely hungover from all the celebrating you did last night.”
She chuckled, but my eyes flooded with the tears I’d been trying to hold back, and a soft sob broke through my lips and the silence I’d met her with.
“Oh, Syd,” she said sadly. “What happened?”
For the longest time, all I could do was cry while my older sister listened helplessly on the other end. But finally, I found my breath, and I told her everything — from our agreement and the amazing two months we’d spent together to Thanksgiving and the wedding and the last week. When I’d said all I could think to say, I quieted, sniffling, waiting for her response.
It was her turn to be silent.
“Please say something,” I finally pleaded, wiping my nose on the back of my sleeve and tucking my legs under me. It was cold outside, and I’d wished I’d grabbed a blanket or a jacket.
“Do you want me to bullshit you, or be honest?”
I cringed. “Honest.”
She sighed. “Sydney, you deserve to be happy. Do you realize that?”
Another wave of tears assaulted me, and I closed my eyes, resting my forehead on my knees and holding the phone tightly to my ear.
“First of all, Randy does notownyou. I know it can feel like that, but he doesn’t. Jordan would protect you if he tried anything, and I think the bigger part of you knows that.” She was quiet for a long pause. “Did you… did you really hear him say something about homicide that night?”
I sniffed. “I think so. I mean, I was pregnant, there were a lot of hormones going on and I was tired and we fought and…” All the muscles in my body tightened. “And that was the first time he hit me…”
I knew without her saying a word that my sister had her fists tightened at that, because no one in my family knew of the abuse until I left Randy.
As it so often goes.
“So, I don’t…” I continued, sobs still breaking up my sentences. I forced a calming breath as best I could. “I don’t know, my memory is foggy. But… I really think I did.”
“Then you have to testify.”
My jaw dropped. “Gab… Ican’t. He’ll make me look crazy. He’ll turn it around on me. And even if somehow theydidbelieve me over him, and let’s say he goes to jail, then what? What do I tell Paige?”
“The truth,” she said. “Being her mother doesn’t always mean hiding the bad things from her, Sis. Sometimes, it meansshowingher the bad things — leading her to them and teaching her how to handle them. This world is a fucked-up place, and you know that more than I do.” She paused. “I don’t know what would happen if you did testify, if the Beckers took Randy and Patrick and whoever else to court to get to the bottom of all of this but… Idoknow that if you stood with them, you’d be doing the right thing. And I know that’s what youwantto do.”
My stomach rolled so violently I nearly lost my breakfast, and I shook my head against the urge to throw up. “But…”
“I know,” she said, and I knew I didn’t need to finish my sentence. “It’s terrifying. You’ve been in survival mode for so long that this goes against everything you stand for. But, Sydney, do you really think you’d be okay to just sit back, lose the first guy to ever truly care for you, and watch him fight for justice for his entire family without you there on his side, helping?”
My face warped with emotion, and I shook my head, laying my tear-stained cheek on my knee. “No,” I whispered. “But, Paige…”
“Mama?”
My head shot up, and Paige stood in the doorway, her little face so sad it nearly broke my heart as she took in the sight of me crying.
“Hey, baby,” I said, wiping my face. “I have to go, Sis. I’ll call you later,” I told Gabby, and I ended the call, forcing a smile and patting my lap — signaling for Paige to come join me.
She padded over slowly, crawling into my lap as I wrapped her up in a fierce hug.
“Everything’s okay, sweetheart,” I told her as I rocked her. “Mama’s just having a bad week, that’s all.”
