Page 80 of False Start
He’d wanted to say hi to Sebastian, but my mom didn’t know I was with him.
My guess was now he knew that, too.
I closed my eyes on an exhale, and then I was beaming at my son, listening to him tell me about how excited he was to go to the museum with his nana today. He was talking with his hands, his eyes all big and wide and his voice entirely too loud for this early in the morning, but I smiled and nodded and listened intently.
I’d been away from him only twenty-four hours, and yet I already missed him.
Sebastian had become my entire life.
I couldn’t remember what it was like before I had him, couldn’t recall who I was back then. What had my priorities been? What did I do on a Saturday? Did I have dreams or aspirations that didn’t revolve around my son?
My stomach dipped a little at that, because this morning when I’d woken up with Kyle curled around me, his body so warm against mine I’d had to kick the covers off, the first thing I’d done was dig in my bag for a notebook and pen.
And I’d spent the morning writing.
It wasn’t the next great American novel, by any means. In fact, I was fairly certain every word I’d written was terrible.
But I’d written.
I’dwantedto write.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt that desire inside me. I’d forgotten what that part of me felt like.
I thought it had left me long ago.
“Sebastian, sweetie, why don’t you go feed Titan, put on your jeans and t-shirt Nana laid out for you, and put your sneakers on like a big boy,” Mom said when Sebastian finished telling me about the movie they watched last night. “We need to get going soon.”
“And brush my teeth!” Sebastian added, clapping as if that was the most exciting thing in the world.
I chuckled.
“That’s right. And you better brush them good, I’m going to do a breath test,” my mom said.
“Love you, Mommy!”
“I love you most,” I chimed back. I blew him a kiss, which he caught and smacked against his cheek before running out of frame.
Then, my mom’s eyes were on me, and I knew before she said a word that she could read me as easily as a children’s book with fourteen-point font.
“Long night?”
I hoped my cheeks weren’t as red as they felt.
My mom smirked a bit when I didn’t answer, and then shook her head, glancing down the hall to make sure Sebastian was out of hearing range.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” she said. “You deserve that.”
“Do I?”
Mom knew my guilt like no one else did. I felt like I should be able to do more to get Sebastian away from Marshall, felt like I never should have ended up in this position to begin with. Sometimes, my life felt like one long line of mistakes.
Then again, I couldn’t imagine a life where Sebastian was never born.
Everything happens for a reason,they say. And if he was the reason for all the hell I had to endure, I’d do it ten times over.
“You’re too hard on yourself,” Mom said. “But whoever this man is that you are keeping a secret, something tells me he sees what I see in you. What everyone else sees, too.” She paused, her eyes sincere. “You’re a great mother, Madelyn. You’re driven and caring and strong.”
I almost snorted at that.
