Page 77 of Meet Your Match
All it took was one event for him to feel ashamed of me, to go from viewing our differences as something beautiful to something insurmountable. He was the first person to make me second-guess my gut instinct, the first person I trusted who proved I was wrong for doing so.
When I was with Vince, when he opened up to me, when he asked me about what made me…me… it was terrifying.
Because I wanted to trust him. I wanted to spend my time with him. I wanted him to look at me, to touch me, to say I was his girl — even though I screamed at him when he actually did that.
But I knew, deep down in my gut, that we were from two different worlds.
And I knew even if Iwantedto trust him, I shouldn’t.
After a long pause, I tried to explain it to my best friend. “I guess the best way I know how to put it is that it’s like if you were at a theme park, right? And you’ve heard terror stories about the roller coaster — how scary it is, how high it goes, all the loops. But you’ve also heard it’samazing. And you’re an optimist, you’re a believer in good things happening to good people. So, you decide you’re going to take a chance, you’re going to ride the roller coaster.
“Your stomach is in knots as you wait in line, and when they strap you in, they look you right in the eyes and say,you’re safe.
“So, you throw your hands up, you laugh and feel the pure joy and excitement of riding that first slow incline up. You keep your hands there, and you revel in the joy of the first drop, the notion that you reallyaresafe.”
I swallowed.
“Only for the seatbelt to break, and for you to fly out at the first loop, being tossed to the ground like a rag doll.”
I laughed a little through my nose, shaking my head.
“You end up maimed, physically and mentally, forever changed. And it doesn’t matter if it was a fluke accident, if the odds of it happening again are slim to none. Your body, your brain — they won’t let you take that chance. Any timeyou eventhinkabout it, you tremble. When you get close to it, you panic. You don’t even realize it, but you’re in survival mode, your instincts doing everything they can to protect you.” I looked Livia right in the eyes then. “You aren’t getting on another roller coaster again. You just…can’t.”
She rolled her lips together, nodding. “That was some powerful shit.”
“Maybe I should be an actress.”
“Nah, you’re too nasally.”
I laughed through the threat of tears, sniffing.
“Okay,” she conceded after a moment, her brows furrowed in thought. “What if you played within the safety net? What if it didn’t have to be serious? Maybe you don’t ride the roller coaster, but you still go to the theme park. You know — hang out on the spinning teacups, get your thrills on the water rides, eat too much cotton candy, stay late for the fireworks.”
I laughed. “Okay, I know this is my analogy, but you lost me.”
“Let him rock your world,” she said, leaning in and patting my leg. “Get your kicks, girl. You deserve them. And you need them, if I’m being honest. I can smell your sex-deprived desperation from here.”
I smacked her as we both laughed.
“That is a dangerous game to play,” I told her. “Thefriends with benefitsroute.”
“Could be fun, though.”
I chewed on her suggestion for a moment, but not long enough to actually consider it before I was waving her off. “Look, Vince and I are fine. We scratched the itch and got it out of our system. And now things are back to normal.”
“Normal,” she repeated, arching a brow. “Which is what, exactly, when it comes to you two? Because I’m prettysure he’s been undressing you with those sexy eyes of his since that first night at the gala.”
“Maybe, but he’s seen the goods now. He’ll lose interest. He’s got a hundred girls throwing themselves into his lap every day. And we’re professionals.”
Livia pursed her lips. “Uh-huh.”
“I need to get going, long day tomorrow.” I popped off her couch. “Thank you for celebrating with me.”
“Hey, Reya and Camilla extending your assignment through the Christmas holiday is a pretty big deal.” She stood, too, grabbing my hand. “Youare a big deal, my friend. Don’t forget that.”
I squeezed where she held me. “Thank you. I… I think I could actually see myself doing this for real, Liv. I love it. I’mgoodat it. Maybe this is just the start.”
“You can do anything you want to do. I’ve always told you that.”
