Page 108 of Realm of Wind and Vines
Up until now, he has just been sitting there on the grass, eating his fish while scowling down at the unrefined manner in which he is forced to dine. But now, he stretches his legs out before him and crosses his ankles. A sly smile curves his lips.
“Leave that to me.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Being back in Frostfell is strange. I feel like I was an entirely different person when I lived here. No, actually, it feels like the person I was back then istwoentire personalities ago. I changed a lot when we were stuck in the Unseelie Court. And then I changed again, even more, after we left it.
Standing in the shadows of a building, I lean my back against the cool stone wall and gaze up at the gleaming Ice Palace above. Stars glitter in the black night sky above, making the palace shine even brighter.
When I first arrived here after the Atonement Trials, I was like an ignorant child who stubbornly thought she had everything figured out but who in reality knew nothing of the world. I still blindly believed that everything I’d been told all my life was the truth because it hadn’t even occurred to me that I was living in a bubble where all the available information was censored by someone else. And on top of that, I was angry, hurt, and terrified of my feelings for Draven.
Looking back on it now, there are things I wish I hadn’t said. Like when I called him a coward for not standing against the Icehearts. Or how I reacted when he told me that I was hisfated mate. And some things that I wish I had said sooner, like?—
Regret hits me like a gut punch.
My parents’ lifeless eyes flash before my eyes.
The pools of blood.
The silver hair turning red.
The fear and shock on their faces.
The hatred in their eyes when they looked at me right before they died.
The empty doorstep.
The potted plants still in the windows.
Throwing my hand out, I brace it against the cool stone wall behind me in order to keep myself upright as the darkened street around me suddenly sways. I try to gasp in a breath, but my lungs no longer seem to work. Agony stabs through my chest as waves of grief and regret crash down over me. I feel like I’m suffocating.
“You okay?”
It takes enormous effort to get my eyes to focus on the face in front of me. Alistair has rounded the corner and stopped short right in front of me. Worry flickers in his eyes as he looks at me, waiting for an answer.
Oh Goddess, pull yourself together.
Straightening from the wall, I pretend to dust off my clothes while looking down so that he can’t see my eyes. After summoning a small flame of warm yellow joy, I shove it into the building across the street and straight into the chest of whoever is in the upstairs room there.
Warm sparkling pleasure wraps around me like a hug, and I drag in a deep breath of relief as my lungs finally start working again.
With effort, I cut off the connection to my magic, and look up to meet Alistair’s gaze. I know that I just altered whoever is inside the house forever, but I still can’t bring myself to care. I desperately needed that boost. In fact, my entire soul is pulsinginsistently, begging me to do it again. It takes all of my willpower to ignore that urge.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply, trying to sound as casual as possible.
Alistair holds my gaze for another second, looking unconvinced. But in the end, he just shrugs. “Alright.”
I send a silent prayer of thanks to Mabona that he didn’t press the issue.
Goddess above, I really need to get it together. The devastating grief and the suffocating regret about not prioritizing my parents have been hitting me more frequently than I expected. I thought that I would just feel that overwhelming sense of regret that afternoon when I broke down in Orion’s castle and then I would move past it.
But it’s not that easy.
I can go hours without thinking of it, without even remembering that they’re dead, and then the smallest thing can just set it off. Seeing some random stranger with her parents. The smell of a certain type of wood smoke that my dad came home smelling after work. Hearing a metallic rattling sound because it sounds like when my mom grabbed her box of needles to mend something. Or, like just now, when I was thinking about the things I wish I had told Draven sooner.
Another stab of agony hits my chest, and I clench my jaw to suppress the urge to use my magic again.
Goddess fucking damn it. I need to keep it together. I need to be stronger.
