Page 31 of Unmasking Secrets
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
TABITHA
Five Months Earlier
The nauseaand cramping are like nothing I’ve experienced before. My eyes water as I attempt to breathe through the pain. I wish I could walk over to the toilet and empty my stomach, but that would defeat the purpose of the pill I’d taken earlier in the day. The second one following the one I’d received from my doctor yesterday.
I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
The cold rag pressed to the back of my neck helps a little. It cools me down as I attempt to get my mind off of the last few weeks. It has been one thing after another, but I know there is light at the end of this tunnel. I am so close to having it.
Freedom.
I always knew I wanted to be a mother when I grew up. On career day in kindergarten, I put on my prettiest dress and carried my baby doll with me. I knew without a doubt who I was going to become. The idea of a big family always filled me withjoy. I always knew I wanted several kids—maybe because I’m an only child and would’ve loved to have siblings of my own.
The day I got married, I honestly believed that was going to be the start of my fairytale. I’m a sucker for a happily ever after. It’s what I signed up for.
Ryan was the perfect gentleman. He encouraged my dreams and loved the idea of me being a stay at home mom as much as I did. I became a homemaker during our first year of marriage. He wanted me to take care of the home. It was a perfect match.
I got bored a little—at first—but quickly found a love for all things Pinterest. My time was spent keeping the home and making it picture perfect. I loved it. There were also always neighborhood events to take part in and the occasional work party for Ryan. It’s where I excelled. It was too perfect. Practically stepford.
During our second year of marriage is when things turned. It was little things. He would raise his voice more and get upset over the smallest details. Apologies were always quick to come, followed by lavish gifts. I didn’t realize it at the time. He was paying me off.
Around Halloween that year, I started seeing ads for costumes. There were superheroes and characters from some of my favorite childhood stories. One thing led to another, and I found myself on the cosplay side of the internet. There was a community around the world dedicated to those with a nerdy little heart like me. The idea of dressing up as some of my favorites, well it sounded like a dream.
It was also the perfect way to spend my extra time and take my mind off of being at home all the time by myself. I posted afew random videos dressed up in my costume. After those got some interaction, I tried my hand at sewing and making my first cosplay. I documented the entire process, and it took off from there. It gave me an escape.
Over the next couple of years, Ryan and I had trouble getting pregnant. He blamed me, called me a lazy housewife. Then complained it was only because I’d rather play dress up than actually be a wife and mother. I knew it was a lie; it didn’t make the accusations hurt any less at the time. Our home had been perfect, and I worked overtime in the gym to keep my figure. It still stung. How could the man I love hurt me like that?
Everything dimmed around that time, and I held on to that little cosplay community and poured my heart into it. It was the only good thing going. My marriage was failing, and it felt like it was my fault.
I’d even let him use my body when I didn’t want, when I wasn’t even in the mood. Part of me believed that if we could push through the rough patch, it would be okay. If we just had a baby, everything would be fine.
As if a baby could fix things.
That was before he raised his hand. It was my turning point. I could handle verbal abuse; I’d perfected my fake smile by then. Him acting like that, he wouldn’t do that to me again. It felt like it was in slow motion at the time. I’d backed away quickly as he twisted and punched a hole in the wall.
Still, I wasn’t ready to throw it all away. Part of me, somewhere deep, knew better. He’d been under a lot of pressure at work. I made every excuse in the book for him until I questioned if ittruly was my fault. Maybe I could do things differently. Maybe I could act a certain way, for him.
He started staying later at work and coming home drunk. Half the time, he reeked of someone’s perfume. Thinking back to those nights makes me nauseous. How I pretended to be asleep half the time, but it never stopped him.I should’ve stopped him—fought him.
I close my eyes and try to will the memories to stop coming. He’d shout and curse at me before telling me how much he loved me. Stumbling through the bedroom, pulling off his clothes and left them for me to pick up the following morning. It didn’t matter how I was lying; he’d spread my legs and take care of himself.
I didn’t stop him. I just… let him.
The last time was the worst. He didn’t even bother attempting to wake me as I pretended to be asleep. He just pushed me onto my stomach, moved my pajama shorts to the side, and…
I shake my head.
I tried to protest that night. He kept my arms pinned beneath me as he took care of himself. All I could do was squeeze my eyes closed and pray for it to be over.
Weeks passed, and I missed my period. At first, I thought it might be because of stress—but then—I took a test. I knew it had happened. The things I’d dreamt about growing up. Only instead of a dream, it felt like a nightmare. I couldn’t bring up a child in that home.
But if he knew, there would be no escaping. His family has too many connections. I made an appointment with a doctor a fewcounties over, one that I knew would be discreet. I couldn’t let the news get back to Ryan.
He’s been out of town for the last week on a business trip. He rarely leaves for overnight trips anymore, I knew it was probably my only chance.
I drape the washcloth over the side of the sink and make my way over to the spare bedroom where I keep my costumes. The only thing saving my sanity was an online community I’d grown to be part of. I sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed my phone to finish editing pictures from the latest brand deal.
