Chuckling as I made my way behind the counter, I joked, “An emergency or something?”
“Yeah, I think that’s what he said. It was a bad connection.” She tapped her temple. “I think Mac said the twins were stuck in a tree, but I have no clue which tree. So, that means…”
“That means you need this.” Handing her a fresh Shifted Wank in a thermal to-go cup –unbedazzled, I took the fancy cup I had bougie’d up, rinsed it, dried it, and put it in one of my highly embellished gift bags. Then I walked out from behind the bar, gave her a side hug, since she not only had her coffee and gift bag, but also the large, black leather Kate Spade bag with silver star-shaped studs across the handles, which I had my eye on if she ever got tired of it.
Waving goodbye as she Magicked out of the shop, leaving a rainbow trail of sparkle, bubbles, and plumes of smoke, I sighed to the boys, “Damn, Zelda didn’t say if she liked the coffee or not.”
“Of course, she liked it,” Arthur grumbled, his low Irish accent rumbling from Doggo Corner. “She waited for a second one even though her hot hubby needed her help.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right. Thanks, Arthur.”
Not waiting for an answer, mostly because I could hear all the gnawing and crunching immediately resume and knew he was back to his big soup bone, I headed behind the counter to clean up. Grabbing the handle of the portafilter at the precise moment that Arthur howled, Chewy barked, and Otis joined with a sound I’d never heard him make, I spun around so quickly that the entire shop was a blur. Then I heard, buried in Arthur’s soulful howl was the word, “Stop!”
But that ship had already sailed.
My left foot hit a sploosh of whipped cream I hadn’t known was on the floor. The toe of the bright pink Chuck Taylor on my right foot stubbed on a piece of rubber sticking out of the middle of the comfort mat that I’d meant to fix a hundred times. And I unceremoniously and without any cool waving of arms, yelling, screaming, or even praying to the Heavens fell flat on my more than ample chest and gorgeous face –if I do say so myself –on the floor.
Wanting to get up as quickly as possible and ask my Magical boys why they’d been about thirty seconds late with the prediction of my catastrophe, I planted my hands as if I was about to do a push-up and inhaled deeply. Of course, I had completely forgotten that there were coffee grounds strewn hither and yon and thus sucked said grounds into my mouth and, more importantly, up my nose.
And that’s when it happened…
I still can’t believe it…
Me, Martha Margaret Mary Dellencourt, the eldest Dragon Queen on Earth…
Expelled the sneeze that was heard around the world…
Or around the Bibbidi Bobbidi Bubble, which, for all intents and purposes, was my world.
2
Or as I call it,
Martha’s Midlife Mess
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Umm…”
“Hello? 911, what’s your emergency?” The voice repeated, infinitely more insistent, bordering on irritated, and quickly heading to pissed off but all the while keeping her sweet disposition and caring tone. I had to act before the police were on my doorstep, and I was in handcuffs being arrested for prank calling the emergency number while the well-meaning operator apologized over and over through the earpiece of my cell phone.
“Where the hell is Maeve?” I mentally ground through gritted teeth, hoping and praying that Aideen, the Dragon Queen with whom I shared my soul, would have something other than a smartass reply.
After all, her sister was the Dragon Queen with whom my sister shared her soul, so didn’t stand to reason that she might know more than I did? Yep! I thought so, too.
“I swear she said she was working today at Dispatch today. Yes, I thought it was ridiculous that a doctor, an honest-to-the-Goddess MD was gonna answer telephones, but then again, both of my sisters-the doctors-are doing it. Therefore, I just knew Maeve was gonna answer the phone when I dialed 911. Hell, that’s why I dialed 911. She was supposed to be there. Otherwise, I just would’ve called her directly and she could’ve taken care of this… Saved me the embarrassment… Done something other than…”
“Other than judge you for your life choices?”
Well, there was the hope and prayer of the Dragon Queen whom I shared my soul dropping the sarcasm and being useful down the drain…
“Yeah, that,” I growled. Huffing a sharp breath, I sarcastically added, “Thanks for the help. Why again do I even bother?”
“Because you love me more than coffee, chocolate, and a shoe sale.”
“Nope. Not happening. I am not feedin’ your ego today. I have bigger problems.”
“Martha, my dear, you are the bigger problem.”
