Page 66 of Going Viral for Christmas

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Not when it’s her.

The words pour out the way they never do when she’s standing infront of me. On paper, I’m brave. On paper, I don’t choke. On paper, I can tell her that today didn’t feel fake—not for me. I liked watching her roll her eyes at the carriage, hearing her laugh, and seeing her reflection in the glass of the boat when she forgot to guard her smile.

On paper, I can tell her the truth.

That I’m falling for Ava Bell, and I don’t know how to stop.

I need to get these words out of my head before I lose my mind.

Tonight was supposed to be a performance. That’s what Renata and Camille wanted, right? Slow pans, fake laughs for the camera.

The thing is: you make it impossible to separate the act from the truth. We laughed together. We gazed at each other. I liked it. All of it.

Too much, maybe.

That’s the part I can’t say out loud. If I did, you’d run. Which is the last thing I want.

You’re different from what the internet thinks of me. You don’t buy “The Blade.” You don’t bow to the persona. You call me out. You see me. And that terrifies the hell out of me, because I want you to keep looking.

Today wasn’t fake for me, Bells.Not a single second of it.

So…

Sleep well. Dream better. And if I’m lucky, maybe one day you’ll believe me when I say this isn’t a game.

In the meantime, here are some words, inspired by you. Enjoy.

Love,

S

A Poem For You, Ava Bell:

At the carriage,

you were laughter spilling through the cold night air,

a sound that made me want to believe in things I’d given up on.

At the table,

you glared at your plate like it deserved the blame

for every scar the world ever handed you,

and I loved you for fighting even then.

On the water,

the lights crowned you in silver,

the marble envied your stillness,

your strength, your flame.

And when the wind stole your breath,

I wrapped you in warmth,

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