Page 94 of Dirty Martini
Lifting his head, he raises an eyebrow. There’s no anger in his expression. If anything, it’s unusually hardened and cold. Like he holds all the cards and isn’t giving anything up. “Care to elaborate?”
This isn’t a conversation we should have standing uncomfortably across from each other. I point at the little futon in front of the television, and he nods. We both sit on either side of it, keeping an immense distance. He turns to me fully, however, with his elbows propped on his knees and his chin in his hands, giving me his full attention. There’s so much to apologize for, and I’m not too sure where to start, so I go with the biggest elephant in the room.
“I’m sorry that I kept my relationship with Rhys from you,” I say, wringing my fingers. “It wasn’t fair to either of you, and I apologize.”
“You know…” He clicks his tongue. “That really doesn’t make me feel better.”
I wince. I didn’t expect my apology to go over swimmingly, but I never thought he’d be so blunt about it. “If I could take it back and tell you sooner, I would. I?—”
He stops me with a sharp hand in the air. “That’s not the point, Everest. I want to know. Why do you hate me?”
I gasp lightly, shaking my head in confusion, not too sure how we jumped to that. “I don’t hate you.”
“Fine. Then why do you notlikeme?” he asks with a roll of his eyes. “Why do you avoid spending time with me? We used to be so close. What the fuck happened?”
“Elton…”
“I just want the truth. No matter how tough it is to hear, I think I deserve that.”
Immediately, my hands begin to sweat. My heartbeat races and there’re little electric zaps stinging my fingertips. I’m almost ashamed and embarrassed to tell him the truth. I’ve only gone to one therapy session so far, where my counselor encouraged me to have this very conversation with Elton, but I hadn’t thought I was ready. I might still not be, but there’s no running from this now. It would be a cowardly thing to do, wouldn’t it? Taking the easy way out and omitting the root of the problem could work, but I owe Elton more than that.
Most importantly, Iowemyself more.
“It’s a long story,” I say with a weak chuckle, scratching the back of my neck.
He shrugs, still the picture of seriousness, not giving an inch. “You said you had hours.”
Taking in a deep, shuddering breath, I ready myself. I lace my fingers together to stop my trembling and ignore the way my leg shakes. “I don’t hate you. You’re my brother. Even if you weren’t, you’re irritatingly charming and hilarious. There’s no reason anyone wouldn’t want you as a friend.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“That…” I begin, losing the twitching battle as I throw my hands in the air, more out of frustration with myself than anything else. “Things changed after I couldn’t play lacrosse anymore. I realized everything that made me special was gone. Without lacrosse, I was just living in your shadow.”
I bite my lip as the truth slips out. His eyes widen, mouth opening and closing like he’s trying to find the words, which is rare for Elton. Finally, he must knock himself out of his daze because he scoots closer. “That’s so not true.”
“Reasonably, I know that, but it felt like it. It felt like I’d never be as good as you. You were always so smart, and I struggled in school. I could be awkward, but you’d steal the show.”
“So that’s why you pulled away?”
I wet my lips. “Not quite…”
Everything I thought was in the past comes back to the surface, and I was an idiot who believed it would never have to be revisited.
I never asked Rhys why he didn’t tell Elton what happened that night four years ago. It felt wrong to poke at old memories we were trying to move past. A big part of me doesn’t want to bring it up. There’s a way to answer Elton’s question without diving into the details of my mistake?—
No.
The truth. What do people say? It sets you free? I’ve been living with this lead weight in my stomach for years. Yes, I have anxiety. Yes, I feel inferior to my brother. Yes, these two things have caused me to pull away, but it’s more than that too.
Guilt.
The guilt of what I did to Rhys drove me away. The guilt of ruining his life made me afraid. And it isn’t until now that I realize that guilt hasn’t gone anywhere. It should have left when Rhys and I decided to move forward, but I still feel it churning in my gut.
Because it’s not just Rhys’s life I changed that night. It was my brother’s too.
“What did Rhys tell you about the night he got arrested?” I ask.
Elton’s brow furrows, nose wrinkling as he tries to think back to it. “I can’t remember. Whatever he said was bullshit, though, because Rhys doesn’t even do drugs, let alone be dumb enough to get caught with them.”
