Page 95 of Dirty Martini
The moment of truth. The last hurdle. The final moment.
I am not a coward.
I will not let my mistake define me.
I am worthy of forgiveness.
“It was me.”
The dots don’t seem to connect. “What was?”
“Those weremydrugs,” I spell out, bracing myself for his reaction. “Rhys got caught withmydrugs. Rhys got arrested because ofme.”
It takes a second for my words to register, but when they do, Elton explodes.
“You did what?” he shouts, jumping to his feet. “Pills, Everest? I know I used to smoke in college, but Ineverfucked with that.” He starts pacing in front of me, talking more to himself than to me now. “We need to get you help. You are more than your addiction, bro. This doesn’t have to define you?—”
While it’s touching and all, he’s missing the point. I stand too, grabbing his shoulder to stop him and clarify myself. “Elton, I’m fine. I don’t have a problem. I didn’t back then, and I don’t now.”
“Why did you have them then?” He looks at me skeptically, like he’s trying to sniff out the truth.
This is where the shame burns bright yet again. “Because I was confused. I was hurting—physically and emotionally—and I thought maybe they’d help. But then Rhys…”
“Go on.”
“Rhys caught me buying from Knox?—”
“That fucker?”
“Cool it,” I snap. “He’s my best friend.”
“Best friend? Jesus Christ, I don’t even know you anymore,” he mutters, dragging his hand down his face.
The weight of that passive comment hits me and the truth behind it stings. There are tears welling in my eyes, but I fight them back. No matter how hard this is, I have to keep going. I need Elton to know everything if I want a chance of having a relationship with him.
Because I want him to know me. I haven’t been acting like it, but I know that I do. It was just always so hard to get there, but I’m so close now.
“Yeah, you don’t,” I say grimly, the words paining me to say. “After that night, the guilt ate me alive. Just being around you reminded me of what I’d done, of what I was too cowardly to do, and I took the easy way out. I couldn’t stand what you would think of me if you knew I ruined Rhys’s life.”
He snaps his head up and frowns. “Ev…”
“It would be the final nail in the coffin.” Voice cracking, my vision blurs. “I’m just not good enough. I ruin everything I touch. I?—”
I’m cut off when Elton drags me against him. He hugs me tightly, arms bracketed around my shoulders, and I let it all out. The sob I was trying to contain breaks free. I’m not a grown man, but a child clinging to his brother’s comfort. And holy shit, I’ve missed this. I’ve missed feeling close with Elton, safe with him, like I could tell him anything.
“It’s okay, little bro,” he says softly as he pats my back. “It’s all alright. I’ve got you.”
“I’m really sorry, Elton,” I cry, wetting his t-shirt with my tears. “I just never knew how to talk to you.”
He places his hands on my shoulders to push me back. His eyes are light, not condescending, but gentle. “But we can move on from that now, right? I’ve got you and you’ve got me. We’re a team again.”
It’s music to my ears.A team.That’s what was missing. Elton and Everest against the world. The dynamic duo that used to do everything together. Siblings who had each other’s backs and would do anything for the other.
“Yeah,” I sniffle. “We are.”
He smiles brightly, ruffling my hair like he used to when we were kids. “Shit, Ev. I can’t wait to get to know you again.”
“Me too,” I say, hesitating for only a second before hugging him. Chuckling, he continues patting my back and lets me get it all out.
