Page 76 of Two for Holding
“Which part?”
“All of it.”
“Dad.”
“You haven’t been happy, kiddo.”
Jax sat on the bed heavily.
“You think I don’t watch your games because, what, it’s too violent?I showed up when you were in peewee, and those kids were ruthlessandclumsy.”
“Mom said—”
“Your mom didn’t want to hurt your feelings.I don’t give a shit about hurting your feelings when your feelings are already shitty.”
He gave Jax a moment to process.
“I don’t think I wasunhappy.”
Dad sighed, gusty and loud down the line.“You weren’t you.I don’t know.Maybe it’s something I never got to go through, this part of your life where you try on being different people to see who fits, but the kid I know was the sweetest little boy.”
Jax flushed and laughed.“Dad.”
“No, seriously.You never got mad at us, you know?”
“Why would I?”
“Well, we kept forgetting the power bill.And the phone bill.And the gutters.All your hockey friends had their own gear, you had to borrow used stuff, and I know how gross those gloves get.But you were always smiling, always making your mom smile, always trying to find a way to help us out of whatever money trouble we got in.Half the reason we had the girls was because you were the best thing in our lives.”
Don’t cry,Jax told himself and then immediately failed.
“Of course, that came after the screaming, crying, pooping phase.Kinda thought I’d go insane before you turned one, but once you could walk, you were great.”
Jax laughed wetly.“So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying you found a way to take care of me and your mom and your sisters, and you found a career you love enough to pour your energy and your passion into.And you’re fucking fantastic at it.But the person you have to pretend to be while you do it, Jax Grant, hockey superstar—”
“—I canhearthe jazz hands, Dad.Quit it—”
“He’s not you.He’s got parts of you, the sense of humor, the playboy act.”
Jax didn’t confirm or deny the playboy accusation, and his dad was kind enough not to elaborate.
“But he’s not as kind as you or as generous with his time and his money.And if this shelter thing and coming out lets you be you again, I’m all for it.”
“What if everyone hates me?”The words slipped out, tiny and scared.
“No one important will.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
With nothing else pressing left to talk about, Jax let his dad go on about the Reindeer’s chances at the Super Bowl this year, a covert excuse to bitch about how having a professional athlete in the family still hadn’t netted him free football tickets.Jax made a mental note to get him some for Christmas.He had Dad pass the phone on afterward so he could talk to Lila about basketball and Rosa about poetry.By the time his mom took her turn, Jax was all talked out, so she let him listen quietly while she told him all the neighborhood gossip.
He fell asleep with his phone on his chest, feeling not entirely at peace but closer to it than he’d been before.
In the morning, refreshed or maybe resigned, Jax skipped the optional skate.He and Breezy had decided to head out to the shelter to meet everyone before the roadie and get the lay of the land before there were cameras everywhere.
To Jax’s surprise, Mooney joined them.
