Page 34 of Two for Holding
“I can’t imagine.”Tom had never been put under pressure by a friend in that way, maybe because he’d never let anyone close enough to try.He’d given one single blow job, once, when he was seventeen and drunk for the first time.He’d spent the next four years terrified it would come to light.It had been a secret relief when he stopped hearing from Sean.
“Yeah.”Jax flopped down onto on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.“I still feel guilty about it.I mean, I have the money, right?He’ll probably never earn a fraction of what I make in a year.But I don’t want to be…beholden to someone because they know I’m gay.I’m not ashamed.”
“I think most of the guys love their wives.”Tom carefully didn’t think of Vanderbilt, whose wife posted a cute pregnancy announcement online the other day.Everyone talked about it on the trip from Philly to Denver.Tom did try not to notice, but he found it hard to ignore when Vanderbilt turned down going out with the team tonight to meet with some girl he’d found on a hookup app he described as “discreet.”
“And some wives accept their husbands don’t give a shit in exchange for a comfortable life.”
Tom swallowed.
“Sorry.I’m being depressing.”
Tom hadn’t been lying earlier.He really didn’t know how to talk about anything except hockey.Emotional honesty was not his forte.If it were, maybe he wouldn’t have had a very embarrassing panic attack directly after coming out for the first time.Jax deserved him giving it a shot though.
“What you told me about why you got traded…someone threatening to post pictures of you to out you.And your friend from Juniors threatening the same thing.I think it makes sense you would have a hard time trusting, um, romantic partners.”
“Huh.”Jax eyed him thoughtfully.“For a guy who doesn’t date, you’re shockingly insightful.”
Tom laughed nervously.He wasn’t insightful; he just spent way too much time thinking about Jax.“I have my moments.”He grabbed his tablet from the desk, maxed out on emotional conversation for the night.“Hey, so… Want to rewatch the power play from tonight?I think we can make it better.”
Jax scrambled to a sitting position.“You’re on.”
It ended up being a productive evening for all they were both a bit tipsy and warm, sitting too close to each other on the hotel bed.It was one of the softer ones, which they both complained about.That night, Tom secretly enjoyed how the mattress dipped toward the middle, pushing their shoulders together.When Tom pointed to the screen to show how the forwards had been neglecting to utilize Hayesie on the power play, too used to a weaker D-core, and Jax leaned in closer to watch, he could smell the mix of aftershave and sweat again.Tom should have gotten over thinking sweat smelled good about a minute and a half into puberty, when the locker room started to reek.And yet, here he was, inhaling it greedily.
They tried it out in practice the next day, making the power play unit more flexible and playing to all positions instead of trying to storm the opposing net on full power.And they beat the Redcoats 2–1 with a nifty goal during a 5-on-4, netting Hayesie his first goal of the season.
The next day, it seemed only natural for Tom to sit next to Jax on the flight back to California to rewatch the tape from the night before, searching for more opportunities.
“The strategy matches Luca’s style of play better,” Jax noted idly.
“Mm.He’s too green for the power play though.”
“Yeah.Hey, open up his minutes, though, just to check.”
Luca had played fifteen minutes the night before.By the time they’d gotten through analyzing them and figuring out that what Luca needed to really shine was a more defensively minded partner, the plane had soared over northern California and begun its descent from the far side of the Bay.By then, Tom had an idea of what they could do to tighten up their defense and make it one of the best in the league.
“We could actually do this,” he realized.
“Hmm?”Jax looked up from studying the tablet.
“What…you said.”Tom lowered his voice, feeling foolish.Jax had probably already forgotten it—that little moment at breakfast after Tom had told him the truth and then panicked on a hotel roof like an idiot.He probably wanted Tom to be less terrified and had said whatever he could think of.To Tom, though, it was at once a comfort and the way to turn everything he thought was wrong with him into strength instead of weakness.
Jax smiled.His dimples dug deep into his cheeks, and his eyes were so, so kind.“About proving them wrong?Yeah.We will.”
They had a rest day after the road trip ended.Tom took the half hour drive up to Phil’s house to check up on him.He texted in advance, but Phil had been ignoring all of his texts since Raleigh.To be fair, he’d threatened to ignore Tom if he apologized again, and then he did it anyway.
He hadn’t heard from Camille either, and the trainers hadn’t given out any details on Phil’s condition.Tom was worried.Besides, being injured and sidelined while the team went on without you couldn’t feel good.
Phil answered the door in rumpled sweats, leaning heavily on a crutch.He hadn’t shaved in at least a week, a forgivable look on him during playoffs and pretty much no other time.
When he saw Tom standing there with a case of Gatorade and a bag of groceries, he sighed, turned around, and hobbled over to the couch.He left the door open, though, which counted as an invitation.
Tom dropped everything off in the kitchen, then followed Phil to the living room.
A comforter lay balled up on one end of the couch, and at least a day or so of dirty dishes sat stacked on the coffee table.
“Are you sleeping here?”
Phil surveyed the area, clearly realizing there was no point in denying it.
