Page 36 of Two for Holding
“It’s not your fault.”Phil was so kind, so understanding, so…
A shiver of fear ran down Tom’s spine.What if he knew?What if he’d always known?What if he’d been waiting for Tom to tell him, and Tom never had?What if… But this was Phil.They’d known each other for a decade.If Tom’s reticence really bothered Phil, he would have said something.Instead, he absolved Tom of the blame for never sharing about his personal life.
“Well, that’s bullshit.”
It startled a laugh out of Phil, which was something.
“I know it’s too late now, but I’m trying to be…better.”
“Jax, huh?He brings it out in you.”
“I…” Tom flushed hot, and then cold again.Could Phil tell, just from watching them, how attractive Tom found Jax?It was one thing for Phil to guess Tom’s sexuality without Tom ever saying it.They’d been friends since Tom had been drafted.And Tom hadn’t gone on one date with a woman in all those years; it would be a reasonable conclusion.But Phil’s insight into the indignity of Tom’s wild attraction to a teammate—a coworker years younger than him—with full knowledge that nothing would ever come of it, was far more embarrassing.“I guess.”
“I knew I liked that kid.”
“He’s not a kid.”
“I guess not.Hey, the call-up you guys got for me is looking sharp.Mazetti?Great on his edges.”
Tom forced himself to look at Phil directly.“Luca’s doing well.But don’t change the subject.What happened, Phil?”
Phil sighed.“I want kids, Tom.She doesn’t.Never has.I don’t know.I guess we both thought the other person would change their mind down the road.And I used to think I would.I used to think it would be enough to love only her for the rest of my life, but…”
“I’m so sorry.Sounds rough.”Tom couldn’t imagine how painful it must be to promise to spend your life with someone only for it not to pan out.In part, he lacked the imagination to do so because, at over thirty, he’d never been in a relationship.Another part of him, buried so deep it couldn’t be broken, still believed when you loved someone, really loved them, no challenge could be insurmountable.
Phil smiled weakly at him.“It is.It was.But we still talk, you know?And it’s easier now there isn’t always this…thing hanging between us.”
“And she still couldn’t come here and take care of you?”
“No way.She spent five years waiting around for me to come home from hockey.She’s done her time.I’m not asking her to nurse her ex-husband back to health.”
“Well, what about your family?”
Phil grimaced.“My mom would drive me insane in about five minutes.”
Tom could relate.Still.“You can’t be here all alone sleeping on the couch.What if something happens to you?”
“I’m an adult.I’ll be fine.”
“But—”
“So what about you, huh?If we’re talking about real stuff now?”
Real stuff?Tom tried not to seem too scared.“What about me?”
“Why no wife?Why no girlfriend?You’re rich enough, and you don’t look like a potato, which is more than I can say for some hockey guys.You even have all your teeth.”
Tom snorted.Not a potato.A damning, if accurate assessment of his appearance.He was no Jax Grant.At least Phil let him ease into this comfortably, asking about women first so Tom could have the dignity of saying it himself.
“Seriously, man.I’ve been wondering for years.Is it a married chick?”
Wait, what?
Phil read the confusion on his expression but not the cause.“It seemed like a reasonable explanation, you know?I thought maybe you fell for the GM’s wife or something, and it could never happen.Why else would a single guy as handsome and rich as you literally never get laid?”
So, Phil didn’t know.Phil had no idea Tom was gay.It should have been a relief.Thirteen years in the league, and no one had read the truth from his behavior, not even the person closest to him.Instead, it dismayed Tom.All at once, he realized how comforting the thought of being known so thoroughly without having to reveal himself had been, all of the reward with none of the risk.
He could tell Phil now.Own up to it, come out.It couldn’t be as hard the second time around.
