Page 44 of Two for Holding
“What was that?”
“I don’t know how to ask!”
Jax had always found honesty the best policy.If he wanted his dick sucked, he would go up to a guy and ask.To be fair, most of the time he asked to suck someone else’s dick, which was an easier question both to ask and to answer.
He had a feeling his approach would not work for Tom.
“Okay.Pretend we’ve never met, and I don’t know you.”
Tom wore a deeply doubtful expression, but Jax hadn’t gotten this far in life by letting other people’s doubt deter him.He pasted on his sleaziest smile, the one most clearly indicatinghere for a good time, not a long time.Leaning in close, he said, “Hi.I’m Jax.You come here often?”
He only realized the tactical error when Tom blinked up at him.He’d never seen Tom at this angle before because Tom was taller than him, but with Jax leaning over him while he sat, Tom had to tilt his head back to make eye contact.The idea of Tom beneath him, Tom looking to him for guidance, for help, for pleasure, didn’t so much occur to Jax as it left him bruised and battered by the wayside.
He could be so good for Tom.He could show Tom everything he’d been missing, pamper him with kisses and fuck him so good he’d never need to hit on strangers in bars.Jax could be everything he’d never known he needed.
Tom ducked his head, seeming for all the world as if Jax’s lame come-on flattered him so much he couldn’t help it.
Jax wanted him so much he ached.
“This is my first time,” Tom said, low and smooth, not confident necessarily, but like a confidant, as though he was entrusting Jax with a secret.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Tom gestured to his half-full beer.“I have one.”
Jax rolled his eyes.“If you wanna get laid, you say yes to the drink.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Tom ran a nervous hand through his hair, and Jax had to get out of there immediately before he suggested Tom cut out the middleman and fuck Jax instead, and then maybe marry him and have his babies while they were at it.
Jax drained the rest of his beer.“I’m gonna hit the head.Try it with the guy over there, huh?”
He escaped before Tom could answer.To avoid making a liar of himself, he went to the bathroom.He pissed, washed his hands, and spent a long moment staring into the mirror, mulling the inconvenience.He wasn’t supposed to have actual feelings for Tom.Attraction to him was fine; Jax could ignore attraction.But all this wanting to care for him bullshit?Not happening.It wasn’t something Jax could have.He’d spent enough of his life hungering for seemingly out-of-reach things to know the difference.An NHL career?Possible if he worked hard enough and ignored all the assholes who claimed he couldn’t do it.Giving his parents everything they could possibly want or need now he could afford it?Possible if he did it without their knowledge so they couldn’t turn him down.Having an active sex life while closeted in the NHL?Possible if he was careful enough.The second he hadn’t been, he’d gotten traded.
Falling for someone, having a relationship?Not possible.He had enough self-awareness to know that when he loved someone, he couldn’t hide it for shit.
Falling for Tom?A perfect, impossible dream.Not only would the secrecy of it kill Jax, Tom was too good for him.Tom deserved someone who didn’t have such a hard time not fucking up by wanting too much, by hiding too poorly.Tom deserved someone who could support him through the difficulties of being a closeted athlete, not someone who faced the exact same issues, and definitely not someone who toyed ever more seriously with the idea of coming out.
Jax ran his wrists under cold water—he wasn’t about to fuck up his hair by splashing some on his face—took a few deep breaths, and reentered the club.
The music, muffled in the bathroom, came at him too loudly, and the strobe lights were, by turns, blinding and too low.It took Jax a moment to make out Tom, even though he sat exactly where Jax had left him.
He was talking to the guy in the black T-shirt.
That…wasn’t supposed to hurt.
Jax turned away purposefully.He took a deep breath.Good.Tom would meet someone, hook up, and learn he didn’t have to deny himself everything.And Jax would learn to live with having had some small part in his opening up to pleasure.
A guy in cut-off jeans over fishnets and a tank top so tight Jax could count his ribs beckoned at Jax from the dance floor.Jax grabbed onto the distraction, and the guy, with both hands.
“Aren’t you cold?”Jax shouted over the bass.
The guy laughed, tilting his head and exposing the line of his throat.A rhinestone-studded cross on a long chain hung around his neck.“Keep me warm?”He placed his hands over Jax’s and slid them down from his waist to his hips, then twisted around so his back pressed against Jax’s front.
In an ordinary world, Jax would have been into everything about this.He liked bold guys who told him what they wanted from him.He liked people who played fast and loose with gender expression.He liked hot and sweaty and ephemeral.
