Page 74 of Two for Holding
“You’re like a cat, you know that?”
“Thought I was a bird,” Tom managed around a yawn.
Jax laughed so softly it was more of an exhale.“Somehow, you manage both.”
He sounded so happy, so fond, so in the moment here with Tom.When Tom remembered it couldn’t last, it felt as if a barbell had settled over the back of his neck, pushing him down and keeping him there.
“I’ll miss this,” Tom said drowsily.He turned toward the wall and squirmed until he could feel Jax behind him, then placed Jax’s hand on his hip to hold him while they slept.
“What?”
“When the charity stuff is up and running, and you can come out.I’ll miss this.”
Jax’s hand went tight on his hip, and the sensation of being firmly in his hold sent Tom to sleep.
fourteen
Kayleigh [off-screen]: Okay, so tell us a little about what you have planned.
Jax: So, today we’re shopping for gear for the teens in our new sponsorship program at the Pot of Gold shelter.We’ve got skates in all sizes and, of course, helmets and pads so no one gets hurt, and—
Kayleigh: And what message are the San Francisco Sea Lions aiming to send with this program?
Jax: Um, right.We really just want to help kids who need it.Living in San Francisco, the local queer—
Kayleigh: LGBTQIA+.
Jax: Right.Sorry.Although, you know, it’s not a slur.Some people in the community—
Kayleigh: Jax, we talked about this.And now we have to start over.Again.
(Unpublished outtake from the making of the Instagram reel subtitled, “SF Sea Lions are proud to announce their sponsorship of the Pot of Gold shelter for LGBTQIA+ youth!Follow the link in our description to donate!”posted on 11/30/2024)
It was a hell of a thing to be given a date and time for when someone would break his heart.
After Tom fell asleep in his arms, trusting Jax to hold him in his sleep after the most intimate and intense sex of Jax’s life, Jax stared at the wall for an hour.It was only around four in the afternoon.He’d been thinking about ordering in for dinner, then watching something on Tom’s ridiculous couch.He’d planned on staying the night.
When had that happened?
Sometime between Tom kissing him at a bus stop in Montreal and Tom buying a ridiculously large multipack of condoms, Jax had let himself believe this had a future.It had only been aday,and he’d thought…what, that he could casually insert himself into Tom’s domestic arrangements?Jax kept mentally repeating that this was only for now, and Tom didn’t want anything more than a practice partner who would keep his secrets.He’d skipped the part where he actually believed it.
This whole thing had an end date, and Jax needed to remember that, or he’d screw things up more than he already had.Tom had set the date, like pulling the goaltender off the ice after he lost three easy shots in a row, a mercy and an arrow to the chest all at once.
Had he given Jax a choice with his mumbled words?Keep Tom or work with the shelter?Keep Tom or come out?How was Jax supposed to make the right call?No matter what he chose, he’d be missing out.
No, he had to remember how they’d gone into this.The last thing Tom needed in his life was Jax’s impulsivity, his burning need to remain true to himself at all times.Jax was convenient, and when he stopped being convenient, Tom would stop being his.
Unfortunately, Jax would remain Tom’s.
His silent, senseless devotion would have to stay a secret between Jax and the plain white walls of Tom’s bedroom.
When Tom woke up, sleepy-eyed and warm, Jax pulled away.He had to call home, he claimed, because they’d be on the road on Sunday when he usually talked to his family.It wasn’t really true; he could call his parents whenever and wherever.But the concept of people who actually liked to talk to their parents seemed to baffle Tom so intensely that he didn’t question it.
Back in his impersonal hotel room, Jax immediately missed the impersonality of Tom’s apartment.Tom kept everything in neutral tones, all grays and browns, but once Jax knew how to look, he’d found Tom’s fingerprints on everything.The massive, plushy sectional that swallowed them whole when they lost an hour kissing on it.The absurdly high thread count on the sheets.The twenty different presets in the shower.Tom just wanted to be treated nicely, gently, softly.He might make fun of Jax’s expensive tastes, but he was the real hedonist.
Jax had to stop thinking about Tom.
He called home.
