Page 91 of Two for Holding
Tom flinched, an automatic reaction, and in doing so, he confirmed it.“Shit.I didn’t ask him if I could tell you.He’s…not out.Yet.”
“I think he hoped you would.”
Probably.Why else would Jax message Phil?
“He wants to come out,” Tom explained.“He will at some point.Maybe not right now, but I don’t think he’ll wait long.”
“Okay,” Phil said slowly.“Good?”
Tom stared at him.
“I mean, someone has to be the first, right?”
When Tom still had no answers for him, Phil shrugged.
“Or not?I don’t know,” he said.“I thought someone would do it way before now.”
“Really?”
“It’s 2024, buddy.They make Pride tape and everything.”
“Yeah, and then the NHL banned it.”When he woke up to that press release, Tom considered calling in sick to work for the first time in his life.
Phil waved a dismissive hand.“Then they un-banned it again.The league is run by older, even stupider hockey players.Someday, we’ll take their place, and things will get marginally less dumb.”
It should have been a comfort, Phil’s hope for the future, but all it did was remind Tom of Jax.Jax and his desire to do better, to be better, tobethe future.A future with no place for someone like Tom, clinging desperately to an image of a person he didn’t want to be.Where would he be in a future more tolerant NHL?He had seven or eight years at most until he was done and only if he continued to be outrageously lucky and not get injured.If he hit the boards wrong just once, he could be down to two years.Or none.And then what would he be?A sad, lonely man, haunting an empty apartment, watching a sport he couldn’t play, wanting a man he couldn’t have.He didn’t have any other plans or hobbies or goals.He wanted to play hockey, and he wanted to be loved.He could only have one of those things, and he’d chosen wrong.He’d chosen—
“Tom, breathe.”Phil’s hand steadied him, warm on his shoulder.“Come on.In, out, slowly now.What’s gotten into you?”
“I’ve got nothing, Phil,” he managed between desperate, panting breaths.“I thought I could put it all away.Thought I would be better.I would win us a Cup if I wasn’t…gay.If I didn’t want things I couldn’t have.But it’s been fifteen years, and I haven’t won anything.And I lost—”
“Jesus Christ, Tom, we don’t keep missing out on the Cup because you’re gay!”
It startled Tom into stillness.When he finally breathed in, it tasted like the first breath out on the ice, crisp and sharp.“I don’t think I ever realized how ridiculous that is.”
“This is what happens when you keep everything to yourself.You don’t have anyone to tell you when you’re being an idiot.”
“When I got drafted, it seemed impossible, you know, being gay and being in the league.I spent so much time trying to disappear so no one would notice me too much.Never let myself look at anyone too long, never hooked up, never dated.”
Phil made a wordless, hurt noise.
Tom leaned back into the couch, playing with the Gatorade bottle again.“Then Jax showed up, and he didn’t care, you know?He hooked up, and he flirted… Hell, he even flirted with me before he knew about me, and he still played hockey so well it made the rest of us look stupid.”
“Good for him.”
“Yeah.”Itwasgood for Jax.It was so good for Jax, and it could never be for Tom.“That’s why—that’s why I can’t be like him, and I can’t ask him to be less than he is.”
Phil studied him.“When a buddy has a rough breakup, mostly I offer him junk food, beer, and a dumb-ass movie if he doesn’t wanna talk about it.And I’ll offer you the same thing in a minute.”
“Okay,” Tom said, nonplussed.
“I’m gonna ask you something first though.If you can’t ask Jax to be less than he is, why are you so bent on asking it of yourself?”
eighteen
TheSFSeaLionsbegin their sponsorship of the Pot of Gold LGBTQIA+ shelter!Follow the link in our description to find out more & donate!
Top comments:
