Page 93 of Two for Holding
Blinding rage filled Jax’s lungs, stole his breath and his words.He was seconds from exploding, a hair’s breadth from calling Kayleigh every name in the book, when Breezy interjected.
“Why?”He acted it as if it were a valid question asked purely out of interest, and Kayleigh took it as such.
“Well, the whole point of this from our perspective is to generate more buzz around the team.We don’t have as much strong local support as, say, Chicago or Toronto.”
No one had as much strong local support as Toronto.
“And not to put too fine a point on it, but our department has been struggling to generate content that will get the team noticed on social media.You know how Tom and Phil are.”Kayleigh sighed as if it was a crucial failing in a hockey player not to be particularly good on camera.Did she know their actual job had nothing to do with Instagram?
“Okay, well, San Francisco’s pretty LGBT-friendly, right?”Again, Breezy sounded as if he genuinely didn’t know the answer.
“Yeah, definitely.”
“I don’t want people thinking we’re using kids to get views, you know?Like, if people think this is just for clicks, they’ll like us even less.”
“Hmm.”Kayleigh pursed her lips.“I guess you have a point there, Chris.So, some comment moderation is important to you guys?”
“I think we’ll send a much stronger message against homophobia if we stop letting it run rampant in our spaces,” Jax said.“And it should go without saying, but any personal commentary about any of the underage participants shouldn’t see the light of day.”He couldn’t quite keep the rage out of his voice.
“Okay, noted.We’ll look into some moderation in the comment section.You two will be on media tonight.Make sure to mention the project,” Kayleigh told them cheerily, and then turned back to her computer, ending the meeting.
Jax literally shook with anger on the way to the parking lot.“Is it bad I kinda wish we’d had practice with Trout today?”At least then he would have somewhere to put the rage.
Breezy snorted.“That makes one of you.You doing okay, Jax?”
“Nope.”
“It wasn’t so bad.We got them to fix the comment sections.”
Jax patted him on the shoulder.“I have no idea how you kept such a cool head.”
Breezy shrugged self-deprecatingly.“You always tell people what you really think.I admire that about you.Whenever I do, people end up calling me an idiot.I guess my thoughts aren’t as deep as yours or something.The good thing is, when people think you’re dumb already, they don’t usually second-guess what you say.”
“Breezy,” Jax said, “I mean this with my whole heart.You are the least dumb person I have ever played with.”
At least one of them left the stadium in a good mood.
The package still sat on the passenger seat, mocking Jax.What was he even doing?Tom got it right when he asked why Jax couldn’t stop at sponsoring the shelter.The project was about the kids who needed help, not him.Using them as a springboard to satisfy his own selfish need for public visibility left his skin crawling after the conversation he’d just had.In addition, Kayleigh’s blind hunt for clicks at the cost of the teenagers who could be harmed convinced him.The Sea Lions would be equally shitty about him being gay as the Magpies had been.He might as well give up now and get Tom back.He would spend his life in hiding, always rattling at the bars of his enclosure, but at least he wouldn’t be alone.
In a state of capitulation, he left the package in Tom’s stall.
On the way home, he acknowledged he was going through more emotions than Destiny’s Child had in 2002.Human beings weren’t supposed to feel so many things in such quick succession.Worse, as a consequence, he felt himself slipping into spur-of-the-moment decisions he would probably regret.
More than anything, he wished he had an easy way to tell what the right choice was.Usually, when he faced a hard decision, he pretended he’d already made it, and whatever alternative he’d picked either delighted or disappointed him.
Granted, the hardest decisions of Jax’s life so far had been whether he wanted Indian or Thai takeout or if going out or staying in would feel better that night.Everything important in his life had been a no-brainer (choosing hockey as a career) or he’d made the decision before he realized the consequences (hooking up with a guy who thought taking pictures during was sexy).Jax had never been in a situation where both decisions had made him feel miserable in wildly different ways.Ever since he’d left Tom’s apartment last week, he’d been hollow, cut off from his own emotional core.He thought about Tom constantly, about how he hid his need for soft fabrics and comforting touch but leaned into it as soon as it was offered.He thought about how seriously Tom took his job, how hard he worked trying to be as good as he could be, and how happily surprised Tom was whenever something made him laugh.
Jax knew all these big things about Tom now, things no one else knew.He could never unknow Tom’s sexuality, his loneliness, his need to be held.Worse, he had a collection of tiny details about Tom living rent free in his head.Tom had shared his abhorrence for hotel scrambled eggs and light beers.He liked to be anchored by a hand on his hip when he slept on his perfect memory foam pillow.The only things he’d ever splurged on were his couch, his bed, and his shower, and he still felt guilty about those.Jax didn’t know where to put all that knowing, all that care now that Tom had closed the door on him.It formed a yawning pit inside him, pulling him down, down, down, away from everything he’d previously thought important.
At the same time, he’d told Tom he understood, and he did.He’d left.He closed the physical door.And the thought of staying—staying in Tom’s apartment, keeping what they had right there, behind closed doors, possibly forever—made Jax want to chew his own leg off like an animal in a trap.Even the brutal reminder that the Sea Lions were a business and would see him as a faulty return on investment the second he started expressing nonconformist traits such as being queer as fuck couldn’t stop him from wanting to do it.But now, the thought of using the shelter and the kids there to satisfy his own need for authenticity in his life felt wrong as well.What would he end up doing besides feeding the sports media machine with a new scandal?All he wanted was to play hockey and live his life without feeling as though he could lose it all in an instant if he stepped a toe out of line.
Could humans go feral?
Jax thought he just might.
He managed to eat before the game, but a nap was out of the question.Instead, he paced around his hotel room considering and reconsidering what he might say to the media that night, whether it would be stupid and impulsive, or worse, exploitative to rip the bandage off.
When he got to the arena for the game—early because he couldn’t wait around any longer—the box still sat on the bench in front of Tom’s stall, and four other guys eyed it contemplatively.
