Page 162 of Ruthless Chaos
“That’s fine, but are you leaving any space for yourself?”
It feels like she’s talking in code. “Space for myself?”
“Yes. For whatyouwant, for whatyouwant to do.”
Is this really the best time for this kind of conversation? I’m tired and all I want is to be clean so I can sleep. Couldn’t this have waited till the morning?
“I’m fine Tara, I promise—”
She interrupts me. “Guys like Alexander will consume you, Al. I just want to make sure your relationship with him doesn’t become your whole life. Yes, you’re his Courtesan and that’s amazing for you. I just feel like you’re changing.”
“It’s been just a few days, Tara.” I feel a little angry at her accusation. I try to remind myself she means well. “Sex is a new experience for me. Can’t I just enjoy that without thinking about all of this?”
She looks like she holds back from saying something. I watch as she takes a deep breath to compose herself.
“That means you guys are official now, yeah?”
I raise an eyebrow. “Official?”
“You’re his girlfriend?” she asks.
I focus on the bubbles on the surface of the water. I finally form the words.
“No,” I say. “He hasn’t exactly called me his girlfriend.”
Tara folds her arms. “So, he’s fucking you until you’re black and blue, the whole school knows that he owns you, but you’re not his girlfriend.”
I’m upset she’s brought this up again.
What is her problem? I don’t know how to explain it to her in a way she’ll understand. At first, I thought I needed the title.
It felt likethatwould make our relationship real to me, more permanent.
But I’ve realized that wasn’t what was missing. When Alexander and I are together, it’s different. We belong together. My feelings are reciprocated.
It’s in the way he touches me, the way he kisses me like I’m the air in his lungs. It’s in the way he looks at me when we’re alone, the way his eyes consume me. I’m the most important thing to him. He’s done so much to protect me; he’s accepted me as I am.
He has let me into his world.
I see the parts of him he doesn’t show others.
“Is the distinction really that important?” I ask, narrowing my eyes. “We spend so much time together and we do everything that a boyfriend and girlfriend do. Does he really have to come out and say it?”
Tara sighs. “Well, it depends. Do you want him to?”
I don’t have an answer to her question. I used to think I did. Especially after we went out together. But now, I’m not so sure.
I’m content with the way things are, with his affection.
“I guess I’ll have to think about it,” I say.
That seems to satisfy Tara enough for the knot in her brow to loosen.
I’m offended by the way she chose to approach this; how insistent she has been on Alexander and I putting a title on our relationship. I know she does it out of love though, however abrasive it feels.
I don’t know what happened between her and Professor Holmes, but she’s told me enough for me to assume she’s trying to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes she did. That’s probably where this is all springing from.
I know it won’t. Alexander isn’t like him.
