Page 99 of Ruthless Chaos
He doesn’t budge.
I thrash and thrash until my limbs burn. That’s when the tears fall.
All the shame I’ve held back the past decade spring to the fore.
A choking sob rattles my body and Alexander pulls me closer. I think of the nights crying myself to sleep, of wishing my life was different, of using self-inflicted pain to chase away the hollow, bone-rotting ache I had to bear from just existing.
Alexander’s hold turns into a hug.
I melt into it, crying into his chest. My tears soak his shirt. One of his hands is in my hair, stroking my scalp, while the other is wrapped firmly around my waist.
“It’s alright, sweetheart,” he whispers. “It’s hard, I know.”
My body trembles.
I don’t know how long he holds me while I cry.
When I stop, I’m a husk. If it weren’t for Alexander’s strong arms, I would be in a puddle on the floor.
He tilts my head back. “You don’t have to tell me why,” his voice is little more than a murmur. His thumb massages the sensitive flesh where my jaw meets my neck. “I just—” He looks away from me. “I can’t bear to know that you do that to yourself.”
I chew my lower lip. I’ve cried away all my words too.
Alexander’s eyes are fragile. I’m too scared to even breathe.
“When I saw your scars last night, it scared me.” He says the words so softly that if I didn’t see his lips move, I would have thought I imagined it. “I can’t imagine a world without you in it, Allie. I can’t protect you from yourself.” His breath is warm on my face, and his words spread warmth inside me. “You’re mine. Every inch of you. I will not lose you.”
My lips twist into a frown. I lower my eyes.
“I’m begging you,” he whispers. “Promise me you’ll stop.”
The last of my numbness evaporates.
There’s a slight tremor in his fingers when he runs his hand along my neck. He looks like he thinks I might disappear into thin air if he doesn’t keep his eyes on me.
I don’t know if I can.
But, I also don’t want to hurt him.
Nobody has ever cared enough to say something to me about my scars.
Even when I left my razors in plain view, Dolores never mentioned it. Tara’s seen me naked once or twice, but she’s never brought it up.
“I promise,” I say. I promise to try, is what I really want to say.
He presses his forehead against mine.
I close my eyes. I’ve never seen Alexander like this.
To know that it’s because he’s scared of losing me is illicit. We’re from completely different worlds, polar opposites. We don’t have anything in common.
He’s fire and I’m ice. It’s illogical.
Then why does his sadness about what I do hurt me?
I don’t know him as well as I thought I did.
I don’t even know myself.
