Page 5 of Thus with a Kiss I Die
“It’s true,” Papà said. “Juliet can tell you to go to hell and make you look forward to the journey.”
“You would know.” Katherina grinned at him.
He didn’t grin back. “Yes . . . there’s something about having a baby that makes her look unfavorably on men in general— and me specifically. It might have something to do with waking up all night long to piss.”
“You could get up with her,” Imogene suggested.
“I tried that. It makes her angrier. Like a serpent maddened by night’s candleflames, shehissesat me.” The greatest swordsman in Verona actually looked frightened.
My mother is one of the kindest, most gentlewomen on the face of this flat earth and, it goes without saying, the most beautiful. She was also one of the most formidable as the rude, curious, and unwary frequently discovered to their dismay. I half hoped Prince Escalus would step over the line and find out the hard way, but I also half hoped Prince Escalus tripped and fell face-first in a pile of donkey dung, so you could say that, no matter my advanced age, my maturity was not to be admired.
“I’m sorry, dearfamiglia,for being such an idiot.” If I’d apologized once, I’d apologized a hundred times.
Emilia asked what all my siblings were wondering. “Rosie, did you really f—”
Papà and I answered at the same time. “No!”
“Why not?” She may have been only eight, but in our family, what with the noises that came from our parents’ bedroom, we all had a good grasp of human nature, or at least human nature as related to Romeo and Juliet. Romance and flirting led to passion, which led to singing bed ropes, which led to Mamma tossing her biscotti every morning and another baby in the family.
To Papà, the answer was easy. “We caught them in time.”
The real reason was a little different. “I realized I had the wrong gentleman in my arms and kicked him in the hairy hangers,” I replied.
Cesario and Papà winced and flinched.
“You kicked the prince? Good for you!” Imogene imitated a solid kick.
“Did you bring him to his knees?” More than the rest of us sisters, Emilia felt the indignation of being subservient to men, and fully supported bloodlust to right the unbalance.
“Not quite, but his breath’s release made a gratifying whooshing noise.” I’d lived on the satisfaction of that sound ever since.
Emilia got right to the heart of the matter. “Who was therightgentleman?”
I looked at her. Just looked at her.
Emilia had the makings of the second most sensible of the Montagues after me; now she exploded with exasperation. “You were going out to meet Lysander? In the garden? In the dark? You could have been debauched! You could have been kidnapped! You could have been found with a knife in your chest! Remember Duke Stephano, your most recent betrothed, who was stabbed in that very garden!” She pointed, as if I didn’t remember the location of Duke Stephano’s stabbing. “Rosaline, what were you thinking?”
I exploded back at her. “I was thinking that Lysander’s family had said no to a match with me, and he loves me and asked me to figure out a way we could be together, and, you know, the swiftest path to marriage is the one through the bedroom!”
“That’s also the swiftest path to the nunnery!”
“The plan should have worked!”
“It didn’t!”
At the same time, Emilia and I realized our mother had returned from the library and stood viewing us both with disfavor. She handed the sealed paper to our footman and in a soft voice said, “Please make sure that is delivered to Princess Isabella.” She turned to her family and said in an even softer voice, “The volume of Montague voices is most displeasing in young ladies and”—her own volume rose—“for at least the next two months or until I deliver this blessed babe, could I please have evidence that my daughters show some semblance of a proper upbringing rather than shaming me by braying like two donkeys?”
At once, Emilia and I were on our feet and curtsying. “Yes, Madam Mother. As you command, Madam Mother.”
Mamma continued, “Tomorrow night, we leave at seven. Before we leave, make sure you’re clean, dressed in the proper garments, and lined up for inspection. There will besmiles.There will bemanners.There will beno excuses accepted.” She waited until everyone was on their feet and bowing and curtsying and announcing, “Yes, Madam Mother. As you command, Madam Mother.” Then she pinned me with a level look that promised bloody retribution should I defy her. “We go to support our beloved Rosie as she faces the futureshecreated forherself,and to that end, Rosie will sweep aside her disgraceful indulgence in self-pity.”
“That’s not fair!” I protested. “Prince Escalus admits he eavesdropped on the plan to unite Lysander and me as a couple, diverted Lysander, and substituted himself—”
“Rosie’s disgraceful indulgence in self-pity, and her whining complaints of what is fair and not fair, will now end. Because what have I always told you children?” Mamma pointed a finger at us.
We cowered and recited, “‘Justice and life seldom walk hand in hand.’ ”
Her attention returned to me. “What does that mean?”
