Page 27 of The Voice of Wild Places
But he did not want that one person to be Cornelius.Watt actually gave a damn what the man thought about him.Always had.Watt’s head was starting to turn inside out again, and he breathed hard against the wave of thoughts.
The door opened, revealing Cornelius on the other side.Cornelius’ fingers tightened around his cane, and after a pause he gave Watt a grim smile.He said, “Coming in, or going out?”
“What are you doing?”
“Going for a walk.It’s … stuffy, in there.”
“Can I join you?”
“Yes.”
And so began the first of many morning promenades around the ship.They said nothing for a while.Simply walking and listening to the people move around them.Watt’s tension bled out of him with each step, and when the sun hit him it drew out a little smile.After some time, they ended up at the same spot they had occupied last night.Wordless understanding passed between them as Cornelius withdrew his cigarette case.Watt supplied the match, lighting Cornelius’ cigarette before his own.
The men stood there, watching the ocean as the ship broke through its vastness, smoking in silence.Watt thought he could stay like this forever, in this liminal space between continents, between phases of his life.
Cornelius said, “I’m sorry—”
Watt shook his head.“No, I shouldn’t have—”
“You wereright.” Cornelius firmly took hold of the conversation, exhaling a heavy stream of smoke.“I think we can both agree this is hard for both of us.Peculiar for both of us.Let’s just pretend that this morning never happened.”
Watt took a drag, then let it out slowly.“Yes.Alright.”
Cornelius adjusted his glasses.“Alright.”
April
Rash Decisions
April3rd,1930
The rest of the trip passed in a relatively fruitful and pleasant, if not boring, blur.While ten days on a luxury ship was nothing compared to months in a hostile environment, it was long enough for certain habits to manifest.Cornelius rose later than Watt, but not by much.Watt was much quieter than him, and it made Cornelius hyper aware of how much he moved, how much noise he made and how much space he took up.He felt chaotic compared to his well organized and meticulous companion.
They spent their time in either silence or deep conversation, nothing in between.Watt smiled and bade Cornelius the minimum social niceties required, like he said he would.They didn’t speak again on personal matters, not since that morning where it all went so right, and wrong.Cornelius felt rather like he was looking at his own cold persona in a mirror, except Watt smiled more than he did.
Cornelius could imagine the man going about his day, smiling through it all until going home and allowing the mask to fall.It led him to wonder, what was home like for Watt?He had no siblings that Cornelius was aware of, and his parents were clearly not the loving sort.Cornelius couldn't imagine it.He grew up surrounded by his kin, and loved by them.His Papa was firm but loving, and his Mama ensured they all were well educated, not only in schooling but in life.Cornelius' brothers learned how to be fathers and brothers and community members, not just working men.Whereas his sisters learned to be more than mothers and sisters, and to aspire for independence.
On the last night of their trip, tucked into the safety of the warmly lit sitting room in their suite, Cornelius asked, “Will you be missed?”
Watt raised a brow, glancing over the top of his book.He was slumped back in the big chair, an ankle crossed over a knee.“Planning on throwing me overboard?”
Cornelius laughed quietly, shaking his head.“No, I was—”
Watt’s face twitched between surprise and a true smile.Cornelius stumbled over his words before clearing his throat, closing the book he’d been reading.“Friends.You must have friends, or a sweetheart back at home that’ll miss you.”
Watt shifted in the chair, closing his own book.“There are some I will miss.Whether they will miss me, I cannot say.And you?”
Cornelius shrugged.“A colleague of mine back at the University might.”
“And Giovanni?”
“Ah.Yes, I suppose he will.”
“He seems like a good man.Good music, too.”
“He is.”Cornelius admitted quietly.He blinked in surprise.“How—oh, yes.He did say that you two had met—” Cornelius cleared his throat.“Earlier in the night.That night.”The moment ballooned with tension at the vague reminder of that evening, pressurized with secrets.Cornelius felt Watt knew many things Cornelius himself did not tell him.It made him sick.
Watt stood, nodding politely to Cornelius.“I think I’ll turn in.”They’d decided to take turns with the bed after the second night, Cornelius had felt too much like a pauper making Watt sleep on the couch for the entirety of their trip.He crossed the room, and Cornelius swallowed, unable to bid him goodnight.
