Page 52 of The Voice of Wild Places
“Oh, calm down.”Cornelius bumped against Watt.
Watt bumped him back.They exchanged smiles again, then stared into the fire for awhile, digesting truth.Hesitantly, Watt asked, “And do you … like men?Is that why you were there, at that place?”
Cornelius should not have felt as blown away by that question as he did.Nevertheless, he replied with a quick and deflecting, “Do you?”
Watt’s throat clicked as he swallowed.He reached for the chain around his throat, running his thumb over the cool metal.The following silence was everything, and Cornelius shifted.Not away from Watt, just in place.The silence stretched on, and on, so Cornelius let it be.He felt sure of Watt’s answer now, and he didn’t want to pressure Watt into anything.Besides, he felt so hollowed out from doling out his own honesty that he was content to just exist side by side.
“There was a man in my regiment that I was fond of.It wasn’t … like that, but … we’d the City left together, stayed together through training and everything.He was the only one who seemed to really understand me, and didn’t mind that I didn’t talk very much.He talked enough for both of us, anyways.He was a storyteller, but his tales were simple.Apple picking on the farm upstate, chasing after cows and persistent younger siblings.I hadn’t heard someone speak with such vigor and life since … a long time.Of course the stories were for everyone, not just me.But we had our own … moments, I guess you could say.I’d always wondered about myself, and the way he looked at me sometimes I wondered about him too.And for the first time in my life there wasn’t someone telling me—”
Watt paused abruptly, sucking in air.And then, so quiet that Cornelius could hardly hear him, Watt went on.“I've always known that I didn’t like girls likethat.Even when I was young.And my father knew, too.He tried to shame it out of me, beat it out of me.I still—Ihaven’t, Cornelius, but when I was with him, I wanted to.I thought about it, dreamed about it.Wrestled with myself over what to do, because there was this shine in his eyes when he spoke to me you know?And was it because he felt the same way I did, or was it all in my head?But I wasn’t brave enough, I couldn’t—”
Watt broke off, mouth closing so hard his teeth clacked.Cornelius’ heart ached for him, it really did.He was overcome with an intense desire to hug Watt, to hold him and tell him it was okay, that love had no bounds.But it sounded like maybe Watt was coming around to that truth on his own, and Cornelius didn’t think his word would mean much to Watt.Instead, he slipped an arm around him, resting his hand on Watt's shoulder.He gave it a gentle squeeze, and Watt released a mighty sigh that might’ve been a little choked.
“What’s his name?”Cornelius asked.
Watt closed his eyes.“Frederick.”After a moment he opened them again, and tears spilled onto his cheeks.“His name was Frederick.”
Was.Did Watt see him die?Or was he faced with a dead body, or perhaps worse yet, no body at all?
With his free hand, Cornelius reached into the space between their laps and curled his finger around Watt’s.It was his pinky finger, the one missing the tip.A story Cornelius had not yet heard.Watt did not startle.He smiled, a small and tremulous thing.He leaned against Cornelius and held his hand in return, just by the one finger, and they sat there together for some time in silence.Watt drifted off to sleep and Cornelius took up watch again, allowing the man to rest in his arms.He stared up at the sky, realizing he’d spoken to Watt about damn near everything under the moon.
Everything but the contents of Nina Fawcett’s letter.
He Knows
May18th,1930
Crossing the Paranatinga was a strenuous effort that demanded every ounce of thought and muscle that Watt had.He was glad for the distraction of simple labor, everyone was tired and quiet that morning which led to too much room for thinking.
They decided to ford the animals and supplies from one side of the river to the other, utilizing an area where the water was relatively low, but still high enough to reach their chests.Roots of scrub trees protruded from the reddish brown dirt of the steep river banks, exposing themselves in an effort to quench their thirst.The water ran quick enough to render it clear, and be a nuisance.
Guiding the mules on foot, Severino went first, followed by Cornelius, then Watt.Antônio remained, waiting for Severino and Watt to return for the pack mules.When Cornelius led his steed into the river, he nearly tumbled down the embankment and into the water.Thankfully the mule was steadfast and did not spook easily, providing Cornelius with a rigid source of support.
Of course he refused all offers of help, and Watt was helpless to do anything but watch the man struggle across the river.He’d thought it was because of the man’s leg, but when Watt made his own crossing he found the river bed was the type of silt that sucked at you, doing its best to drag you down, and the current was surprisingly strong.Watt and Severino returned for the other mules, and Antônio, and by the time they all got across a break was needed.
Shielded by the mules and shrubbery, the men stripped down and changed into fresh sets of clothes and boots.Watt’s cheeks were aflame the entire time, thus far they’d been able to change in relative privacy and isolation, but not like this.Needs must, however, when soaked to the bone.By the time he found a branch to hang his clothes on, Cornelius joined him fully dressed, his hair combed back and a lit cigarette pinched between his trembling lips.Watt hurried up and pulled a shirt on, but he could tell that Cornelius had already seen the ugly scar on his shoulder.His attention brought a burning phantom pain along with it, and Watt turned away to prop his wet boots upside down on a rock.
Cornelius did the same with his own boots, then hung his clothes beside Watt’s.After hanging up his trousers, boxer shorts, socks, and a shirt, he glanced Watt's way and smiled crookedly around his cigarette.“Your hair's long."
The tension eased in Watt's shoulders, and a smile escaped him as he withdrew his pipe.“You're one to talk.”
Cornelius leaned heavily on his cane, shifting closer to Watt.A bit more serious, he quietly asked, “Did you sleep alright?”
Watt lifted a shoulder, cheeks flushing as he recalled how exactly he’d fallen asleep last night.Held by Cornelius.He’d awoken to the man staring down at him, gaze intent and a tiny smile cresting his lips, telling him to go to bed before the others woke.What a sight.
“I think so,” Watt said, realizing he’d been staring at his companion for far too long without answering.“Thank you, for uh—” He coughed.“For talking to me.Did you?Get enough sleep?”
“Of course.”Cornelius chuckled softly.
They smoked tobacco and drank their canteens dry, then refilled them with iodine treated water from the river.Cornelius took pictures of Antônio by the river and spoke quietly with the man in Portuguese.Watt wandered nearby, pleased when he found several unique looking stones that he tucked into his pocket for later.It was a running joke among the others at this point, that Watt was carrying more rocks than gear, but he really wasn't.He limited himself to a dozen, trading out the small rocks with more interesting ones as needed.His eyes wandered, too, glancing over at Cornelius every now and then, unable to stop thinking about their conversation last night.He’d revealed his greatest secret, and Cornelius had easily accepted it.Him.Watt wasn’t sure why he’d thought Cornelius would do otherwise.Not because of his own nature, but because Cornelius had a heart.A good one.
It all had Watt rattled.Unsettled.He couldn’t help but read his companion's every move and expression, certain that Severino and Antônio had overheard their conversation, or that Cornelius was looking at him differently.That last part may not have been all paranoia.
Cornelius had said he’d had a crush on Watt … well, Watt from his youth, anyhow.Watt was not anywhere near the same person he was all that time ago, physically or otherwise.Too much had changed, broken.So Watt convinced himself that the look in Cornelius’ eyes this morning was not interest.In fact, he convinced himself that there was no look at all.He was overthinking.
Watt joined Severino who was keeping the mules and Maggie company.She was eager to continue on their journey, she’d crossed the river twice without complaint and still had enough leftover stamina for days, but settled for attention instead.He wasn't sure how the old girl did it, and a pang of guilt hit him.She should be in retirement lazing about their apartment, not laboring through the wilderness.
“Traidor.”Severino laughed when she managed to tug a stick out of his hands and dutifully delivered it to Watt when he approached.
