Page 49 of How We End
“I’m sure it has something to do with the fact that there are no lions in Minnesota.But I could be wrong.I should get ready?—"
“I noticed that Emily’s things were boxed up,” my mother cut in.
“Yeah, that’s how a divorce works,” I said, taking a bottle of water out of the fridge.I had told my mother via a text message that I had officially filed for divorce.I didn’t want to talk about it then, and I didn’t want to talk about it now.
“So it’s over?”
“Yeah, Mom, she fucked another man.That’ll put a damper on a marriage.”
“Julian, language.”My mother frowned.“Have you thought about counseling?”
“For her or me?”
“For both.Marriage is tough, and when one of you is a professional athlete, it’s even tougher.I know it’s hard for you to see this from her perspective, but being the wife of a hockey player isn’t easy.It takes a lot.You have to put your life on hold to support your spouse’s.You become the second most important thing in their life.And for some women, that’s hard to learn.”
My mom may have come second to my father, but she meant everything to me growing up.She showed up—took us to practice, watched every game.Baked cookies, gathered photos, did whatever needed to be done.She dragged us from city to city, arena to arena.My mother was the backbone to our family.My father was the man who carried that title like all his others.“Mom, you were important to us.”
“Oh, I know.But Emily didn’t have motherhood to take up some of that time.”
“She knew that going into this.”I had told Emily after three months that I couldn’t have kids.She didn’t believe me.She thought I was just afraid of having them.That should have been the first red flag.
“Julian, there are ways for both of you to?—”
“Mom.Stop!Whose side are you on?”I hadn’t meant to shout.
“You have to ask?”She wiped her hands on a towel.“I understand what it looks like being on the other side.To love someone who loves something else more.To not be the first thing they think of.Your father missed Beckett’s birth.He missed Hudson learning to walk, your third and tenth birthday, all because of hockey.And now look at him.”She motioned to the other room.
I could count on one hand the times my father had been there growing up.Even after he retired, there were months of him doing interviews and documentaries.Then he did broadcasting for awhile.It wasn’t until Hudson and I started showing talent that he took notice.Then our lives revolved around being better.Playing harder.Skating faster.It had always been about hockey.
“She slept with another man.That has nothing to do with hockey.”The irony was not lost on me.So did Cassidy, and yet that didn’t bother me.Because that was her job.She didn’t do it to hurt me.To ruin me.
“I know, and I understand how hurt you are, but so is she.She wants to try again.She’s learned from?—"
“You talked to her?”This was a new low, even for Emily.
“She called and?—”
“Oh my god.”I ran a hand over my mouth.“You hated her when I first brought her home.”
“I did not.”
“Bullshit.When I brought her home you begged me to break it off with her.”My mother never thought Emily was right for me.She thought I needed someone quieter, someone content to stay in the shadows.And that was not Emily.She had a life outside of hockey, andIthought that was a good thing.I thought choosing her meant she wouldn’t end up like my mother.
“Well, she was a lot when we first met her.She was upset that our milk came from cows.But after time I grew to understand her.To see that, well, she made you happy.”
When I met Emily, she fit into that part of my life.She was fast, bright, and fit in with all the other girlfriends.She was pretty and looked good standing next to me.People thought we made such a cute couple.Both golden like an LA sunset.
“She made you happy, right?”
“No, she didn’t.She couldn’t handle this life, couldn’t handle the ups and downs.She couldn’t handle me.”
“She was young.”
It was always about my age.No one ever said I was too young.Not when I was sixteen playing against eighteen-year-olds.Not when I was seventeen, being drafted by the NHL.
“And I wasn’t?I had my whole fucking career in front of me, and one bad hit and everything changed.”Before that injury, I thought I was invincible.So did those around me.And after the hit, everyone worried my game would never be the same.I didn’t know how to deal with that.Emily had quit her job.We fought about everything.I couldn’t practice, so I wasn’t spending time with the team.And I had never not had a team.For months I lost the one thing that made me.I didn’t know what to do.Six months later, I was traded, and Las Vegas wasn’t golden like LA.
“I can’t do this right now, okay?I got a game, and I can’t…”I can’t let this get in my head.
