Page 46 of How We End
“Say it.”He stood and walked over to me.“Me.Right?All of this is too much.The schedule, the games, the everything.Say it.I’ve heard it before.”He grabbed his pants off the floor.
“No.This has nothing to do with you being a hockey player.”I grabbed his arm.“It’s me.”Without this job, I had nothing.I was nothing.I had no back-up plan.My life hinged on my career.My entire life was paid for by sex.I couldn’t give this up any more than I could ask Julian to ignore the fact of what I did to afford this life.I would not end up like my parents, struggling for every nickel and dime.
And that, not the cruel words Maverick had spoken, was the truth that hurt me.I was the reason we would end.
“This isn’t fair to you.I can’t…” I didn’t want to hear my selfishness put into words.
“Unfair to me?What about you?Look at me.I have a black eye, I’ve broken my nose twice, I can’t put my fucking pants on tonight because my shoulder hurts so bad.Not to mention my schedule and the fact I have to leave you again.The ups and downs of this life.None of which you asked for.How is that fair to you?”
It was fair because he paid me to put up with those things.And in truth I’d put up with all of that for the freedom to be with him.But that didn’t change the reality of us.People broke Julian.They stepped all over him and cut him down.And I didn’t want to be another person to do that.But my career would.Which was why I had to let him go.“I like your nose.”
“It’s crooked.”
I stepped closer to him, running my finger down the bridge of his nose.“It makes you look dangerous.”I couldn’t imagine what he would look like without it.“And I like the scar here.”I traced his brow.“And here.”I lightly touched his cupid’s bow.“They all make you who you are.”
“But it’s not enough?”
“I take money for sex.I take your money.That makes me a?—”
“And Anders pays for Teigen’s cell phone, her car, health insurance, tuition, and anything else she may need.Cole pays rent here in Las Vegas for himself and in Toronto for his girlfriend.Ivan pays for his girlfriend’s place in Finland.Do you want me to keep going?”
“Those are the people they love, not the people they’re paying to fuck.They are in a relationship, not a business deal with an NDA and STD testing.And I doubt Anders’s girlfriend has to fly to New York to give some guy head.”
“I don’t know that.”He shrugged.
I laughed at how stupid this was.“I do.”I flopped down on the bed.
“Can you let me worry about that?”He stood before me.
I looked up at him, and for the first time in nineteen years, I regretted every decision I had ever made.I regretted going to LA.Regretted letting Maverick move me here.For me, always wanting more.More money.Always chasing something I could never have when I could’ve had a man like the one standing before me.“I think we?—”
“Don’t do this.”He sat down next to me.“Please.I’m not ready for us to be over.I’m not ready to not have you in my life.Please, not yet.”
I laid my head on his shoulder.And I wasn’t ready to let go either.To be a footnote in his history.“I’m not sure we have a choice.”
Neither of us said anything.We sat in the quietness of the room, the blue neon filling the room with a sadness that wouldn’t end until one of us broke.
CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE
WYATT
November 26
The noise from my sister’s house filtered through the vents.I could hear my sister and her oldest arguing if cold pizza was a nutritious breakfast.I rolled over and pulled the blankets over my head but remembered how fucking hot it was in here.It had been that way since we were kids.I threw off the blanket and stared up at the yellowing popcorn ceiling.
This had been my bedroom when I was a kid, and now it belonged to Cassidy, my youngest nephew and namesake.Gone were the posters of horses and light yellow curtains.They had been replaced with hockey.The sticks in the corner seemed to remind me of the problem I left back in Las Vegas.
I hadn’t seen Julian since that night I almost broke up with him.He had texted a couple times, but he had a five-game road trip.Plus, I thought maybe he was realizing the truth of what we were.Nothing.
“Wyatt, get up.”My sister’s voice rang throughout the house.“I’ve got to get the boys to practice, and your car is in the way.”
“Keys are on the counter,” I yelled back.We were a family of yellers.Mom yelled at us.Morgan and I yelled at each other, and Dad yelled at everyone.I wasn’t sure my family knew how to communicate without yelling.
“No, they’re not.Damn it, Wyatt!”Morgan yelled again.
“I’m coming,” I groaned, throwing on the first piece of clothing I could find, and stumbled down the stairs.My two youngest nephews were standing in the cramped entry with large bags and sticks.I couldn’t see Julian like this.Young, blurry-eyed, and shoved into a jacket and stocking hat.
“Silver?You even know who that is?”Remington, the oldest, asked, closing the fridge.He shoved a piece of cold pizza into his mouth.
