Page 63 of How We End
“This isn’t about you!”I yelled.“I hate what I did to you.I hated that I fucked Maverick because I was lonely.That I fucked some asshole from Dallas because I needed the money.And the whole time, all I could think about was you and how disappointed you would be in me!How I was hurting you.”The tears fell fast as I put words to my actions.“And the difference between our little New York trips is there is nothing you could do on the ice or off the ice that would ever hurt me as much as I hurt you.”
“You’re not hurting me.When I think about you, it’s not what you do for a living.I worry I’m not enough.That you’ll get sick of all this shit and leave.But I never think about you with them.”
“Julian,” I whispered.The words were right there.The words to end us.But they got stuck in my throat.
“Do you love them?”
“No.”
“Do you like it?”His voice was raw.
“No.”Sex had become a job.A thing I had to do to pay the bills.There were no emotions or thoughts attached to it.Until Julian.But that didn’t mean this would work out.That we could get past this.
“And when you’re with me?Am I like them?Is that what this is really about?”
I shook my head no.“I’ll hurt you.And I’ll never forgive myself for that.”So many people had left their mark on him.I didn’t want to be another person.Julian stepped closer to me, wiping a thumb under my eye.His touch only made the tears fall faster.“I can’t quit.”I could tell myself it was the money.But the truth was, I didn’t know how.
“Neither can I.But I can’t lose you.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Then don’t leave me.”He picked me up and set me on the bar.He ran his thumb over my bottom lip, down my throat, then stopped at the base.“I need you.Every time something goes wrong, I think if I can…” He took an unsteady breath.“Please don’t end this.”
He pressed a kiss to my wrist, then to the inside of my elbow.God, this was so fucked up.I should’ve told him to go home.Instead, I was reaching for the button on his pants.Because I needed him too.I needed to hear the way his breath hitched when I touched him.How the muscle in his jaw finally loosened when we were together.I needed him because when I was with him, I didn’t feel so alone.
“Can you really look past all this?Of what I am?”I searched his face for the truth.
“Yes, can you?Will you, on the bad days, forgive me?”
I nodded as he pulled me to the edge of the bar, his cock pressed against me.He kissed my neck, his tongue in my ear.His one hand cupping my breast.If I were smart, I would send him away.But I wasn’t, and that was what had gotten me into this whole mess.I made one poor decision after another.So why stop now?I closed my eyes and ignored the mess that was still in the corner.A bloody reminder of how we would end.
Julian lifted his head, tracing my jaw with his thumb.“I need to hear you say it.”
I leaned in to kiss him.Somewhere in the neon or carried on the winds that blew across the desert were all the reasons that this wouldn’t work out.The reasons I shouldn’t do this.Shouldn’t be here with this man.But as I said, I wasn’t smart enough to see them.
“Wyatt.”
How long had I waited to hear that name fall from his lips?“Say it again.”
He pulled his shirt over his head.“Tell me, Wyatt.”He purred out my name.“Tell me you are okay with the stitches, the swollen joints, and all the shit that comes with being with me.All the fucked-up parts.”
“Yes.All of them.”I leaned forward, freeing his cock from his pants.He slid my ass to the end of the bar, and his fingers dug into my hip as he thrust into me.“Oh god.”I felt like the weight of my life had been lifted.I closed my eyes and rode the hard and fast wave of Julian.Tangled my fingers into his hair, pulling him closer to me.To Wyatt.And the silly girl who gave up on so many things.
“Oh fuck, Wyatt.I’m so sorry.”Regret filled Julian’s eyes.
“For what?”I cupped his cheek, afraid he was going to take it all back.It was one thing to make promises when we were half naked and desperate with need.But when the hormones and all the body parts were tucked back in, those words lost their meaning.And they became part of foreplay.
“I didn’t use a condom.I… I didn’t mean to.I’m clean.I swear, you are the only one I have been with.”
“Julian.”I let out a strangled cry of relief, which left me lightheaded, almost dizzy.I took his hand and kissed his palm.
“I can’t have kids,” he blurted out before he pulled away.
All the better, since I didn’t want them.I slipped down from the bar, stepping closer to him.“Let’s not worry about that now.”I led him to the bedroom.I kind of liked this.Fucking him with nothing between us.
I’d deal with whatever the wind blew in tomorrow.
December 4
