Page 66 of How We End
“She didn’t destroy me, just bruised my ego a bit.And Wyatt is not Emily.”Why did everyone think I didn’t understand this?Why did they feel the need to start every conversation about her with that?Yeah, she’s great, but… I hated that.She was more than sex.And that part of her life wasn’t mine.
Anders rubbed his face.“She still has sex with other men.”
“I’m well aware of that.”Wasn’t this my problem to worry about?Wasn’t I the one who was going to have to deal with this?It wasn’t like Wyatt threw it in my face.She didn’t get drunk and tell a room full of NHL players how much better her clients were than me.
“Are you?Man, think about this.It’s still sex.It’s still not socially acceptable.Unless you two are in an open relationship and you, too, are going to start?—”
“Shut up.I wouldn’t do that to her.”I sat back on the couch.
“But she can do it to you?”
“She’s not out fucking random men for the fun of it.It’s her job.And forget it, okay?”
“No.”Anders took a deep breath.“I’m not going to have another season like last.I can’t watch you self-destruct.What would you do if you saw her with a client?If they were out for dinner?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you should.”
“Why?Because I have so much fucking free time that I can stalk her?I have never seen her before, and I have lived in this city for three fucking years.I have attended events at the Sands and countless other casinos, and never have I run into Wyatt.Your sister is her fucking assistant.And still, I never saw her before that night.So why now?Why, suddenly, am I out having dinner without her and she without me?”
I had only guessed that she might’ve been at the Starlight Sands that night for Halloween.A woman who looked like Wyatt would be invited to a Maverick Sands party.Everyone knew he had working girls.I had been worried she would be there for work.I hadn’t planned on staying or talking to her.
“Because that is her fucking job!”Anders yelled back.“Why are you being so blasé about this?You act as if she’s a receptionist at a dental office.”
“Where she could be fucking the dentist or half the patients for free and that would be okay with you?”
“No.But it’s the same thing.She is cheating on you every time she sees a client,” Anders threw back at me.
“So that’s it.She doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship, and I have no right to have feelings for her because you have decided that you can’t live with what she does.Emily was a yoga instructor who had a drinking problem, who fucked a teammate, and yet she’s more worthy of forgiveness and respect than Wyatt?”
“No, I’m not saying that.Jules, it’s not that black and white.”Anders picked at the label on his beer bottle.“What if someone from the team finds out?Or worse, how you two met?That you paid her to have sex.”
“It was your idea.”I thought back to if I had said no.I would’ve never met her, and I didn’t want to think about where I’d be right now.“Are you going to tell them?”
“Fuck no.But if someone does, how will you protect yourself?Your name is already smeared all over social media.Shaw loves to bring up the last All-Star break, and Host will be shouting it from the fucking roof.This was never meant to be anything more than you getting out of your own head.You weren’t supposed to fall in love with her.”
“No one said love, Anders.”I’d been in locker rooms and played team sports since I was ten.There were very few things my teammates didn’t know about me.But my feelings for Wyatt were mine.“I asked if I could bring my girlfriend to Reno.If the answer is no, say it.”Then I wouldn’t be going.I saw enough of Anders and Tremblay.
“It’s not that.It’s… you realize what she does.She?—”
“Yes, I do.”A message flashed across my screen: it was Wyatt.“What’s done is done.I can’t change it.And I’m not breaking up with her.”
Anders flopped back on the couch.“I knew something was up.I hoped that it wasn’t her.”
“You really don’t like her?”
“No, I love her.Not in that way.I love her for you.I’ve never seen you more stable.I don’t think crackheads are as high-strung as you.But man, I want a cup.I don’t have as many years left as you do.Teigen wants a family, and I want to be there for that family.I want to go back to Canada.This might be my last chance.I’m not you, Jules.I can’t do this forever.”Anders blew out a breath, looking at the still images on the screen.“And I’m afraid if this ends badly between you and Wyatt, it’s going to fuck with your head worse.”
I groaned, rubbing my face, lying back on the sofa and staring up at the ceiling.Why could he not see that Wyatt wasn’t the issue?I was.
A therapist once told me my personal relationships would always fail because I had spent so much of my life being part of a team that I didn’t know how to act outside of one.I never went back.I didn’t want to listen to how hockey was messing with my life.How it made me more prone to violence or alcohol abuse.Because my team was the only constant in my life.They never let me down, and I wouldn’t let them down.
And then I met Wyatt.
“I don’t want to break it off, Andy.She’s unfucked my head, and she keeps it unfucked.And I know you’re going to say that I should go to therapy.I tried that, and it didn’t help.”
“You do need therapy.Fuck, we all do.We are hockey players.And I get it.I need Tee to get through this fucking season.Through playoffs.I can’t imagine trying to keep it all together without her.So promise me that if it goes bad, you won’t lose your head.Or I’ll be forced to take you to AA.”
