Page 69 of How We End
“It’s not about him.I have nothing without this job.”The reality of that sat heavy on my chest.It was why I never retired.I didn’t know how to be Wyatt without Cassidy.I didn’t know how to support Wyatt.“If in two months he realizes how much he’s screwed up and leaves, I need to be able to support myself.”
“Why would he leave you?”Margo rubbed her temple.“He could have anyone.I heard some pop star tried to slide into his DMs.Some celebrity named him as her secret crush.There is an entire fan club dedicated to him.He doesn’t need to pay for sex.And yet he did.For almost two months.Do you really believe he’s going to wake up one day and say he’s had enough?He’s had two fucking months to come up with five thousand dollars’ worth of reasons not to keep seeing you.”She stopped when the waiter refilled our glasses.
“I made that mistake once before,” I reminded her.“Maverick told me he couldn’t do it without me, and yet he does.”When I turned twenty-two, I wanted to go back to South Dakota, try to find myself or what was left of me.Maverick got on his knees and begged me not to go.He told me he couldn’t do it without me.Three days later, I was fucking his best friend.“And the lawyer from San Diego?He promised to take care of me, professed his love every time I saw him, and then gave my number to his brother.Was I valuable to them?”
“Julian Silver is not Maverick Sands.Maverick consumes everything and everyone.He lies, cheats, and steals.He’d sell his own mother to beat his father.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that I still need a job.A way to support myself.”
“So what are you going to do, keep fucking men until what?You’re fifty?”she pushed.
“I don’t know.And what are you, my fucking therapist?”I snapped back at her.
“No, a friend who thinks you need a reality check.You think you’re special.That because you’ve lived a shitty life, that you deserve some sort of guarantee.That’s not how life or love works, Wyatt.There is no guarantee.”Her voice was heavy with memories.“One day you’re casually fucking some guy.And the next, he’s asking you to take the next step.But you’re too fucking scared of the what-ifs, so you say no.Then he gets on a fucking bus, and that’s the last time you ever see him.”
I knew very little about Margo’s life.“Then you understand.If Julian leaves me?—"
“He was killed in a bus accident.He didn’t break up with me.He died.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Margo.”Margo’s words knocked the breath out of me.“Why would you tell me that?”
“Because no one told me that one day he’d be gone.That I would never see him again.I’d never get the chance to say yes.To right the wrongs.”Margo leaned over the table, her mouth set in a sharp line.“If you never saw Julian Silver again, would you be glad you fucked Maverick?If tonight something happened to him on that ice, would you be glad you still had your job?”
“That’s not fair.”I swallowed down the bile that sat at the base of my throat.“I can’t live my life in fear that he’s going to…” I couldn’t say the words.Saying it would give it power, and I didn’t want it to have that power.“Why would you ask me that?”I blinked back the tears and fought the urge to call him to hear his voice, to rush to the game to see him.
“Because I wish someone would’ve told me.I was too worried about the wrong what-ifs.What if he cheats?What if we grow apart?What if in five years I hate him?I should have been worried about the other what-ifs.What if I never see him again?What if the last words I said to him weren’t I love you?Have you thought about those what-ifs?What if you’re happy?”
I tore my gaze away from her.I didn’t want to hear this.I didn’t want to think aboutanyof the what-ifs.“I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Do you like it that much?”
“What, fucking people?No.”It had never been about my likes.It had started as an easy way to make money, and then it turned into the only way I knew how.And it was still that way.“It’s a job.That’s it.”
“To you.But not to the rest of us.Not to Julian.It’s not fair to him,” Margo said.“What if it was reversed, and he was fucking?—”
“He’s not.”I cut her off, not wanting to hear about him and another woman.Thinking about him stretched out next to her, his mouth pressed against her neck as he slept.Her getting to see him in the early morning light when he was just Julian.
“You’re going to have to choose him or this life.And the longer you wait, the more regret you will have.”Margo’s voice was low and calm.
“I’m used to that.”I waved off her comment.
“This is a different type of regret.This one will eat you up.It will be the only constant in your life.”
December 11
11:30 a.m.
Wyatt:
I have to cancel tonight
Maverick:
Why
Wyatt:
Something has come up
