Page 54 of The Pawn
“It wouldn’t be your fault, you know that right? I wouldn’t blame you. Tell me if any of them—” He can’t finish. He forces a deep breath in, eyes anguished.
I shake my head again. “No, Cassian. I swear. Rami touched me, but he didn’t… rape me. And Malek, he tried, but he couldn’t. He tried, but then there was all that commotion.” I look away again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’m so weak.”
“Don’t look away from me,” he says, hands on my face, thumbs smearing tears across my cheeks. “Don’t ever look away from me. And don’t ever keep secrets from me no matter what, understand?”
It takes all I have to keep from looking down and I nod. What did I expect from Cassian? Condemnation? Disgust? I am damaged goods. I was damaged goods already when he took me. He knew that. One look at my hand and he’d know. One look inside my eyes and he’d know. Broken. Irreparably damaged. The missing finger was just the outside.
Now? I can’t stand myself. “How can you stand to look at me?” My voice breaks on the words and Cassian hugs me violently to him.
“How can I ever look away from you?” he says, his voice raw. He kisses my forehead, and I cling to him.
“He brought in a priest,” I start, needing to confess this.To tell him. Tell it all. “He brought in a priest, and he made him watch when he cut off—” my voice breaks and I need a minute. “The poor man threw up.” I’m crying again. Fuck. I’m crying again. “And then he made him marry us. And I couldn’t… I don’t want to be his, Cassian. I’m yours. I’m yours. I belong to you.”
“You are not his, Allegra,” Cassian says, kissing me, his mouth hard against mine. Nothing erotic in this. No love making. No fucking to get off. “You were never his. Not for a single moment, not even one.” He pushes me onto the bed, his weight heavy on top of me, making it hard to breathe. He continues kissing me and I kiss him and he’s pushing my dress aside and unzipping his jeans. When I taste the copper of blood my stomach turns, but we don’t stop. We both need this.
When he pushes into me it’s a furious thrust. I’m not ready and it hurts, but maybe I need to hurt. Maybe he needs it too.
He thrusts again and when I try to kiss him, he draws back, gripping my jaw instead, eyes locked on mine.
“You are not his.” He repeats it like a mantra, each thrust driving the point home. Each thrust forcing the breath from me.
We’re not making love, but it’s not love making I want.
He’s taking me back. Claiming me as his again. That’s what this is. And I want to be claimed by him because maybe in that claiming, maybe in this violent fucking, I will be cleansed. Forgiven.
Maybe, I will belong to Cassian again.
Fresh tears roll down my temples. I am married to Malek Lombardi. I’m married to fucking Malek Lombardibecause I’m a coward. A fucking coward. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, touching his face, wiping away the smear of blood. “I’m so sorry.”
He fucks me harder, cock thick inside me, too big, too painful and growing still. When he finally throbs his release, I don’t think he takes any pleasure in it. Not this time. He stills inside me, our breaths pants and he cups my face, thumbs wiping away tears, leaving blood smears behind.
“I’m going to make a widow out of you, Allegra,” he says. “I’m going to kill Malek Lombardi with my bare hands and make a widow out of you.”
17
CASSIAN
We stand under the flow of hot water, our faces not an inch apart. She touches my cheek, her fingers trembling.
“I sometimes don’t understand why you want me,” she says.
“What kind of thing is that to say?”
“I’m broken, Cassian,” she says quietly. “You can’t ever fix me. The damage is too deep inside me.”
I brush hair from her face, and cup her cheeks. “All that damage, Allegra, it’s what makes you you. And I wouldn’t have you any other way. I wouldn’t want you any other way. I don’t want to fix you. I don’t want to change a single thing about you. I’ve been alone for a very long time. I thought I would always be alone. Hell, I deserve to be. But then there you were, walking into that study with those wings on your back like a lost little angel. I knew then. I fell then. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.”
A fresh tear slides down her cheek. I watch its progress, lean in to kiss it, taste the salt of it.
“I love you,” I whisper against her ear. “I love you exactly as you are.”
She clings tighter to me. She doesn’t say the words, but I don’t need her to. I think I know her heart by now.
The water begins to cool, and I reluctantly switch off the shower. I wrap Allegra in a towel and dry her off.
“Where is my mother’s ring?” she asks, once we’re dressed as if just remembering it. I’ve been waiting for her to ask.
