Page 159 of Sunkissed Colorado
The smooth flames of the fire shimmered, and for a little while, Zandra and I were quiet, just sipping spiked cocoa and cuddling beneath the wool blanket. We’d pulled two lawn chairs right up against one another.
“Oh, hey,” I said softly. “I didn’t have the chance to tell you yet. Connor got himself a new girlfriend, apparently, and he’s moving out.”
Z turned her pretty face toward me, though her head was still resting on the spot where my shoulder met my bicep. “How do you feel about that?”
I rubbed strands of her silky hair between my fingers. “Pretty good. If he’s happy, I’m happy. There was a time when I didn’t want anything about my life to change, but I’m embracing it now.He didn’t have to be all mysterious about it, though. Keeping her a secret, like he was afraid we’d scare her off.”
“I guess sometimes it’s hard to trust even the people we’re closest to.” Zandra’s dark eyes got a faraway look. And I knew she was thinking about Jessa and her secrets.
I’d heard all of it by now. How Jessa had been keeping the secret about Winnie cheating on Leo. How Winnie had sneaked away from the bonfire party and gone to the creek to confront her boyfriend’s older sister. She’d confessed to pushing Jessa, then hiding and watching as Jessa died in Zandra’s arms.
I’d kept things from my family too. Keeping a secret could feel like holding a live grenade with the pin pulled. Like if you made a false move and let it go, it would destroyeverything.
Yet in reality, the opposite was true.
“You know you can talk to me, right?” I asked. “You can tell me anything, and I have no intention of keeping anything from you. Not anymore.”
“I know.” But a shudder ran through her. I held her closer beneath the blanket. Even with all the police interviews and updating our loved ones, Z and I hadn’t had the chance until now to talk openly about last night. Not just the bare facts, but the ugly details of how it all felt. The stuff that could keep a person up at night.
The flames guttered and swayed.
“Speaking of secrets,” I said, “Russ was keeping a doozy, right? After Connor reminded me that Russ was on the football team the beginning of that year, and that he’d been hanging around Jessa, I got nervous. Then after I couldn’t find you and you wouldn’t answer your phone, I convinced myself he’d done something to hurt you.”
“I was shocked when he told me about him and Jessa. Hard to believe he was keeping that secret for all these years. I just…” She gripped my T-shirt right above my heart. “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with the fact that Jessa kept those secrets from me. Makes me feel like I wasn’t a good enough friend, even though I know she had other reasons. But now that I really know the whole truth, it’s strange. I’ve never felt closer to her.”
Zandra sat up a bit, reaching for something under the blanket. She pulled out her small diary from high school, the one she’d found in that box at her parents’ house. She must’ve taken it the last time we were there. Stowed it at some point tonight in her sweatshirt pocket.
“I’ve been thinking all day about closure. When you suggested sitting out here with a fire going, my first thought was this diary. How it would feel to throw it in the flames and let it burn. As a symbol of letting go of it all, you know?”
I watched Zandra’s face. She caressed the cover of her diary with her fingertips.
“But I can’t. I think there’s no moving on, at least not the way I thought before, as if I could suddenly wake up one morning and not miss Jessa anymore. I’ll always miss her. But now that I know everything, and I’ve rememberedeveryawful thing about the night she died, I can finally hold the rest of my memories of her close too.” A tear slipped free, and I brushed it away. “I think she would be happy for me, because I really am happy now, Callum. I’msohappy to be in love with you.”
Fuck. I didn’t cry easily. I wasn’t counting those commercials with adorable animals, because those didn’t count.
But right now, I was on the edge. My nose burned.
Then my damn phone rang.
“Shit, sorry.” I fumbled for it. “Thought it was on silent.”
I caught sight of the caller ID and hesitated.
“Callum, it’s your brother.” She nudged my hand. “You should talk to him. Answer it.”
“You sure?”
“Talkto him.”
No time like the present, right?
I held the phone to my ear. “Grayden?”
“Hey. Is this a bad time?”
“It’s fine.” No denying this was weird, though. I wasactually talking to my brother for the first time in forever. “I’m here with Zandra. My girlfriend.”
“Yeah, Grace told me about her.”
