Page 56 of Fathers of the Bride
“I am her father. Andy Lane isalsoher father.” This earned me a malevolent stare. One that I was all too familiar with. “Could you just get Pudge?”
“What’s a pudge?”
“A pudge is Mrs. Lincoln. Or Mrs. Collins.”
“Which?”
“Either. Both! I don’t remember.”
Then, in a blur, Lucas was there with the couple he was dating. Introductions were made—honestly, I don’t remember what the couple was called. They could have both been named Kevin, but I’m not sure. I briefly explained that I couldn’t get into my own daughter’s engagement party.
Lucas asked the guard if his name was on the list. It was.
“There you go. He’s with me,” Lucas said.
“What about these two?”
“They’re with me, too.” He leaned in close to the guard and said, “I have a voracious sexual appetite.”
The guard scowled at us, but let us in, possibly due to sheer exhaustion. I have to admit, we were a bit much.
Entering the pier, we were immediately set upon by a white boy dressed as some kind of warrior holding a spear and a tray of crostini. An unusual combination that made absolutely no sense to me.
The warrior-waiter explained what was on the tray: “Crostini with horseradish and very rare grass-fed roast beeforcrostini with shrimp and avocadoorcrostini with salmon and cream cheese topped by capers.”
There was something wrong about the poor boy’s get up—was it supposed to be Hawaiian? Or Polynesian? No, that made no sense. I picked up a shrimp and avocado crostini and popped it into my mouth. Lucas and his boyfriends waved off the appetizers. Before the warrior-waiter walked away, I managed to say, “Fank ou,” through my snack.
Suddenly, one of the Kevins—the one who was kind rather than pretty—said to me, “Oh my God! You’re the Happy Homo, aren’t you?”
Why did no one ever remember my name?
He didn’t wait for an answer, he just continued, “I used to read all your books.”
“Used to? I still write them.”
“Of course, you do, but these days I get everything off the Internet. Can’t be left behind, you know? Have to stayau currant.”
“Let me guess, you’re studying French online.”
“I have an app! Oh, oh, oh… you should have an app. Now that I’d buy.Doyou have an app?”
“I’m working on it,” I said tersely, though I wasn’t. “I should really look for my daughter.”
Without saying goodbye, I wandered off, continuing down the pier. I walked past the merry-go-round—which was already packed with children and teenagers riding for free—a couple of seafood restaurants, a souvenir shop, the fishing area—
And that’s when I saw Bradley and Terry. They were dressed in matching outfits. Tan shirts and shorts, pith helmets, socks pulled up to their knees. Slung around their shoulders were toy rifles—oh my God, it suddenly clicked. The party was Africa-themed.
What a nightmare.
20
Andrew Lane
“Now things are getting interesting,”Raj said.
I followed his look to see Pudge and Lissa descending upon us. They were both dressed in what looked to be traditional African dress. Bright fabrics, puffy hats and full skirts.
“There you are!” Pudge yelled. She and Lissa air-kissed me and Raj in the most violent way.
