Page 45 of Georgiana
“If I had a candy drop for every broken promise I’ve received in my life, my jar would overflow,” Georgiana whispered into Lizzy’s shoulder.
“Oh, sweetling,” Lizzy gave her another tight hug before rising to her feet with Georgiana’s help. “Do not be so hard on yourself. When you feel this low, you can only go up, and Fitzwilliam and I shall endure the climb with you.”
~~~~~
September 30, 1814
My darling Maxwell,
How familiar that phrase has become to me. I’m sure when you return home, I will make a mistake and blurt it out. I can only imagine how surprised you’d look if I uttered those three little words, or the fact that I love you – most faithfully – upon your arrival.
It’s been almost two weeks since I last wrote. I took some preserves, along with soup and bread to the other two families with illness. I’m so glad I did. The father of the one family was quite incapacitated and in such a weakened state. I’m sure the broth will do him good. I’ve instructed Mr. Mason to give them a few hens for eggs.
Sir Waddlesworth is quite pleased with himself. He managed to catch a mouse near the stables. Imagine my horror when he proudly presented it to me in the front parlor. I thought Mrs. Howell was going to have an apoplectic fit, but she managed to smile through clenched teeth and only give him a light scolding. Honestly, Maxwell, I thought she was going to fall on the floor, she turned so red.
As of this afternoon, Sir Waddlesworth is banished to the stables, for which he’s miserable but it keeps Mrs. Howell happy. I shall miss his gentle purring. He would visit me in the night and curl up near my feet. His warm little body was comforting and I didn’t feel so alone.
I love you and I miss you,
Georgiana Kerr
Max carefully laid the letter on his desk and vacillated between feeling a sense of satisfaction with how Georgiana had jumped into her duties as mistress of Adborough Hall and a sense of guilt over her perceived loneliness where she had only a stray cat for companionship. She had so many redeeming qualities it tore at his conscious that he couldn’t be assured of her fidelity… and yet she didn’t behave as someone who’d done wrong.
Did she get a restful sleep or did she toss and turn at night like him? In the quiet hours when nothing could be heard except the steady ticking of the grandfather clock, his conscience poked at his motives for leaving Georgian alone. Not once in any of the letters he’d read so far had she beg him to return, or request her presence with him in London. Instead, she showed remarkable fortitude and a stoicism he could respect.
He picked up the next letter and began to read.
October 4, 1814
My darling Maxwell,
You’ve been gone nearly three months without any word on when you’ll return. My heart aches. It’s like a physical pain in my chest and I can scarce breath when I think of you. Last night I cried myself to sleep after remembering our waltz at George and Kitty’s wedding ball.
When you held me in your arms and whirled me around the ball room I felt as though I had wings. Everything and everybody melted away leaving only you and I, and how I wished you had kissed me then. I’m sure it would have been magical, just as it was when you finally kissed me at the Featherstone ball. You were my first and last kiss for all eternity.
Did you know I fell in love with you when I was but sixteen? You’d come to visit Nathan prior to Fitzwilliam’s wedding and stayed to dinner. Most people ignored me, as I was so painfully shy, but you made the effort to include me. I’d never noticed that before, but you always treated me as a young lady ought to be treated.
Not many people know this, but a few months prior to my fifteenth birthday a close family friend ingratiated himself with my governess. The two of them conspired to make me fall in love with him, at which time he planned to whisk me away to Gretna Green and we would marry. I was so naïve and believed all his serpentine lies. How could I know the only incentive for him was my substantial dowry? Thankfully, I’d written my brother and he arrived in time to save my honor and my reputation.
One day, when we’re old and gray and I’m assured of your undying love, I may tell you all about George Wickham. He is a chapter of my life I never want to repeat and if we ever have a daughter, I will make sure she is aware of the pretty tales desperate men tell young foolish girls who read too many romance novels. You will have very intelligent daughters, Maxwell – after I’ve given you at least three healthy sons to carry on the Kerr name, much like you and your handsome brothers.
I love you and I miss you.
Georgiana Kerr
Max threw the letter down and stood, not sure if he wanted to ride out and find Wickham to call him out, or head straight to Adborough Hall and tell Georgiana how sorry he was that he doubted her sincerity.
For years he’d admired her gentle manners and shy demeanor. He adored the fact that she brightened when he entered a room. He always knew it was because she felt safe with him and given what he knew now, it explained so much. He remembered telling Nathan, ‘It’s as though she’s had great sorrow in her life and from that sorrow, she sees the world for what it is. Not all rose gardens and parties.’
He also remembered the waltz, the way she fit perfectly in his arms tucked right next to his heart, the light scent of honeysuckle perfume tickling his nose. It had taken every ounce of his will power not to whisk her out of the ball room and beg her to marry him. The thought of having children with Georgiana created an aching void where his heart once hung. How could she ever forgive him for his boorish pride?
He returned to his desk and with trembling hands, picked up the next letter.
October 14, 1814
My darling Maxwell,
I have just finished re-reading Sense and Sensibility, which Kitty and I enjoyed only last summer. I found it quite interesting that the middle daughter, Marianne, who is but sixteen falls in love with a handsome cad named Willoughby. I guess it was because I’d written down my thoughts on Wickham that I was struck how similar in nature these two men were. Also, the fact their surnames begin with the letter ‘W’.
