Page 96 of No Way Home
“Huh.” I ran my thumb over the edge, my chest tightening. It was too heavy to be harmless. Was this his parting shot? His dramatic goodbye? Or had he decided to put his pride on paper, Darcy-style, and bleed out every thought I’d spent the last two years convincing myself I didn’t want to hear?
I tucked it into my purse and trudged up the ramp on high alert, expecting Topher to pop out the door like a jack-in-the-box. But he didn’t. And when I stepped inside, he was nowhere to be seen. I crept down the hall and peeked my head around the corner super fast, like a secret agent checking for snipers on the roof. He was nowhere. Huh. His car was in the parking lot.
“Morning, Maggie,” Betsy called from the charting station.
“Morning,” I said cheerily and hurried into the break room. I hid behind the open door of my locker, and tore into the envelope.
Oh…
It was a drawing of me and Bowen. We were at the Spartan race, crossing the fire wall-finish line together, hand in hand. We were both grinning, arms thrust in the air, first-place medals hanging from our necks. Dollar bills rained down from the sky.
This wasn’t a memory. It was a wish. A wish of how things might have gone if I’d never kissed him. A wish of how things could’ve ended. As friends, winning the race, sharing the prize. There was no guilt in our eyes. No regrets. Just joy and triumph.
But then I noticed how Illustrated Bowen was gazing at Illustrated Me. With pure, radiant love. I wasn’t looking at him, though. My gaze was forward, facing the ‘camera,’ completely oblivious.
So maybe more than friends?
When I saw the title at the bottom of the drawing, my breath hitched.
What Should’ve Been
I unfolded the note behind it. Correction: the two-page letter. “So, Mr. Darcy it is.”
Magnolia,
Sorry, I can’t be there today. I’m working at another job site. Don’t worry. Topher won’t bother you. I promise.
I need you to know that I don’t blame you. I mean, yes, I did at first, right after the race. But as time passed and I began meeting with a therapist, I realized that ultimately I was angry with myself. I had been for years. Because everything was my fault—most especially the kiss.
I should’ve stayed at Sole Mates. When you were in the bathroom and I saw Griff’s face pop up on your phone, I shouldn’t have left. I should’ve told you the truth, thrown my hat in the ring, and let you decide. I left because I knew how much Griffin liked you. But if I had stayed, if I had chosen myself for once, I could have had it all. With you.
And I will always have to live with that regret.
My dad loves to quote this one thing my Aunt Sophie used to say: ‘You can’t ignore the splinter and think it’s never going to fester.’ She was right. That’s exactly what I’d done and we see how well it turned out for all of us.
The thing is, I knew what I felt for you the entire time you were dating Griffin. It was strong and deep and intense. But I was handling it. Albeit poorly—hurting you over and over so you’d never want to be around me. But yes, handling it.
And then we were paired up for the Spartan Race.
Having you right there with me every day? Spending hours training together? It was agony and ecstasy all rolled into one. Still, I was hanging on. Maybe by one finger, but I was going to be okay. You know why? Because you didn’t like me back. You were in love with Griff. I believed that to my core. Trusted it with all I had. It was my safety net.
Until I saw you coming across the Beater, your navel piercing peeking out. And suddenly, poof! Safety net gone. And when you kissed me and I realized I’d been your splinter too? Nothing could’ve stopped me from kissing you back.
I’m the one who screwed up. Me and no one else.
You are everything I have ever wanted. I missed you every day for the past two years. When that scalpel sliced through my hand? I was pissed. But as soon as I looked up and saw that it was you? I wondered how I’d gotten so freaking lucky. You were back and you weren’t Griff’s girlfriend anymore. Maybe I could never have you as anything more than a friend, but at least I’d get to be around you every day. See your smile. Hear your voice. Feel your presence. I walked into work that morning feeling very meh about my life. I walked out with a bounce in my step, stitches in my hand, and a grin on my face.
Because that’s who you are. The girl whomakes everything better, everything brighter. I know I’m asking for something that I don’t deserve. Trust me, I know. But I want to be the guy who makes everything better for you. I want it so badly, it’s all I think about.
I hope someday you’ll give me the chance.
Love,
Bowen
Somewhere during the letter, I’d sunk to the floor. My hand pressed to my forehead as I read it again. Bowen had intense feelings for me the entire time I dated Griff? I’d thought he only tolerated me. I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands, processing.
“Hey,” Dr. Adams said from the doorway. “Are you going to join us today? We have patients in three exam rooms already.”
