Page 111 of An Enigma for the Lycan Crown Prince
“Because I was a child,” I say more to myself than to him. “She was scared I wouldn’t be able to keep the secret.”
“And that others could find out. The more people who know, the more holes there are for information to slip through.” Elden intertwines our fingers, furrowing his brows thoughtfully.
“You are thinking about the attack?” I prompt him.
He looks at me surprised. “How did you know?”
“My thoughts went there too,” I admit. “But no one knows who I am.”
“But they might know about the prophecy or about a mystery surrounding you,” he says. “They don’t need to know all the details to be interested in you. The brooch probably was an old artifact your grandma kept. Maybe they’d heard about it.”
We exchange one more look. “No one can know,” I repeat, feeling how it finally settles in. “Elden, not even Vince.”
“I won’t tell anyone. I am actually feeling uncomfortable talking about it here, right now,” he reassures me. “As for you… maybe one day you will meet someone you trust enough to tell them. This person will be your gamma.”
I let his words sink in. A person I trust that much to share my secret with them? How will I even know that I can trust them? This secret poses to be more difficult than I anticipated. Now that the initial surprise and excitement have worn off, I can feel the gravity of the situation.
And there is something else I need to make sure of.
“When is Calvin returning?” I ask Elden. “Did his class end?”
“He ended it,” Elden explains. “I called him earlier and told him about the attack and he was pissed. He said, he will come back immediately, and make sure the warriors and guards know how to secure pack borders properly.”
“He is a weird one,” I mutter. “But we really seem to need him. He is good at what he does.”
“He is,” Elden agrees. “Do you need something from him?”
“Yes, I want him to find my father,” I explain. “Grandma said he disappeared when I was a baby.”
“And Ersa? Didn’t she know his whereabouts?”
“I think she lost a lot of her strength after giving birth to me,” I say. I am not sure why, maybe she was punished for being in love with a human. “She wasn’t able to reach out to him,” I explain, “because she has no blood connection to him. They also weren’t mates or anything, they were just in love. She told me her mortal body was ephemeral, and giving birth to me made it disappear for real. I think it’s also what made her lose the ability to reach out to whoever she wants. I think she would do it; try to reach out for him, if I asked her, but honestly, I think I should do it myself.”
“I bet Calvin would love to help,” he tells me. “He keeps saying that this is what he is best at. And he dug out Alma within a couple of hours.”
“He had more leads pointing to her, though,” I point out.
“Yeah, it was probably too easy for him,” Elden says. “I bet he will love the challenge.”
“You might be right.” I nod to myself. “I will ask for his help when he is back.” Silence engulfs us again. “She is really gone,” I whisper. “I can’t even grasp it, Elden. I have never imagined a life without her. I thought she would see me-” I swallow thickly, “-become luna, marry and have children of my own. And now she is not here anymore. I never imagined a world without her. She won’t be with me anymore, and I can’t share anything with her, ever again. I don’t know how to cope with that knowledge.” I pause. “How… how did you do it?”
“I am not coping well at all,” Elden answers quietly. “I didn’t read my mom’s letter for years. I tried to ignore my grief and instead just worked and studied as much as possible.”
“Did it help?”
“Momentarily,” he admits. “The truth?”
I nod.
“My feelings change constantly. There are days I am angry that she died… angry at her, at Dad, at Tobias, at me. Other days, I feel guilty for not having saved her. And on other days, I just feel sad. But no matter how I feel, I always miss her. Sometimes I think I don’t, but then something happens, just a small thing; I see or I hear something and I think, I need to tell this to Mom. Then I remember she isn’t here anymore. Some people are so important to you that their presence still lingers in you when they are gone, and it’s so hard to come to terms with the fact that they aren’t here anymore. I don’t miss Mom every second of my life anymore, but whenever I think of her, I do. I don’t think I will ever be over her death, but I believe that’s okay.”
He has never been that vulnerable when talking about his mother. But then, I haven’t asked something like that before. I just couldn’t grasp how it feels to lose someone so dear and close to me. Now I do.
I fight back the tears, taking a shaky breath. “I want to find my father, and I want to know what happened and why he left. I don’t need to connect with him, I just want to know the truth.”
I can feel him brush through my hair with his fingers. It’s such a comforting gesture. “It’s a good idea,” he agrees. “And it will give you closure.”
“Elden, I love you, so please don’t be mad by what I say next.”
