Haruki rolls his eyes and turns away. I have the impression he doesn’t like me.
Tanaka takes control of the conversation and soon launches a lengthy discussion of the differences between Japan and the US. There are clearly many. He continues to talk about it with enthusiasm, even when we’re ushered to a long dining table by another British-accented servant.
“We’re having American food,” Tanaka says. “No chop sticks!”
“That’s thoughtful.”
Tanaka beams rapidly, then leans closer to me. “You can teach my son things.”
“I don’t know much about figure skating, sir.”
Tanaka tosses his hand. “No, no. Not about that. He needs exposure to real men.” Tanaka sighs. “Naturally, I am a real man. But I work all the time. I haven’t been with him, and he needed a lot of attention.”
I shift my gaze toward Haruki and immediately regret it. Haruki’s cheeks are red. I doubt this is the first time Tanaka has disparaged his son in public.
Tanaka jerks his thumb toward me. “The Boston Blizzards is inclusive.” He manages to make the word sound like a slur. “But this man was brave and said the truth. There are way too many gay players on the team. It’s unnatural. It’s embarrassing.”
I stiffen.
This is why Tanaka invited me. Maybe I was always going to be okay, because Tanaka was protecting me. Maybe that’s why Coach Holberg let me come back early and why my teammates have remained distant apart from telling me they’re glad I wasn’t eaten by a shark or something. And face it, most people don’t want people they don’t like to be eaten by sharks.
I don’t want to be that hockey player anymore, but the words stick in my throat.
Tanaka continues enthusiastically. “You see how it is. All these players suddenly deciding they like men. It’s embarrassing for the team. Bad for the Blizzards’ image.”
My stomach churns. I glance at Haruki, whose knuckles are white as he grips his napkin.
“I...” I start, then stop. What can I say? If I defend my teammates, Tanaka will know something’s changed. If I agree with him, I’m throwing Evan and Vinnie and Finn and Noah under the bus. And looking at Haruki’s pale face, I’m throwing him under the bus too.
“It’s complicated,” I say weakly.
“Not complicated at all!” Tanaka waves his hand dismissively. “Hockey should be about hockey. Not about... other things. You understand this. You’re a real player.”
Haruki’s chair scrapes back suddenly. “May I be excused?”
“We haven’t finished dinner,” Mrs. Tanaka says.
“I’m not feeling well.” Haruki’s voice is tight.
Tanaka sighs heavily. “Always dramatic. Yes, yes, go. You can learn something from Mr. Larvik’s example later.”
Haruki bolts from the dining room.
An uncomfortable silence settles over the table. Mrs. Tanaka picks at her food while Tanaka seems oblivious to the tension.
“He’s a sensitive boy,” Tanaka explains to me. “Too much time with his mother. This is why I need influences like you around. Strong, masculine role models.”
I nod numbly, hating myself.
When I finally escape to my car, I sit in the driveway for a minute, gripping the steering wheel.
I consider Haruki’s stricken face. I think about my teammates who’ve found the courage to be themselves. Because of their jobs, their love life becomes scrutinized. And mine will be too, if I ever...
I square my shoulders.
I don’t want to hide. I don’t want another dinner like tonight.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
