Page 10 of Constantine: Britain's Story: Part 2
Sandy drags out her pause, like she’sstilldebating it, but I stay silent, letting her come to her own conclusion.
“So…I had a call last week.” My stomach falls into my ass, I already know where this is going. “From William.”
Whatever glow I was just rocking has undoubtedly left me. My mouth gets hot and there’s too much saliva. When I swallow, it feels like downing a ball covered in sandpaper. My hands start to tremble, so I slide them off the table, clasp them in my lap, and instantly divert my gaze downward, hoping she doesn’t notice the pain in my eyes.
“He asked about you…”Why? Why the fuck would he do that?
I can’t even look back up at Sandy when I respond. “I don’t want to hear it,” I say quietly.
“He has a new number.”I’m sure he does. Probably got tired of my incessant text messages. I just nod, though. “I’d be happy to give it to you if you’d like.” My gut instinct is to fall to my knees and thank Sandy, to get that number and call him rightthis minute. But I can’t start this all over again. I can’t go back to the beginning of calling or texting him and waiting to hear back. The agony I went through, waiting, hoping, praying. I can’t do it again.I know I won’t survive it again.
It takes all my strength not to cry as I respond, “No, that’s okay, but thank you, Sandy.” When I look back up at her, I can see that our expressions mirror one another.Heartbroken, it’s written all over both of us. Heartbroken in different ways, but with the same end result, sadness and pain.
“I can’t go through it again, Sandy. I’m…I’m barely surviving this go around. I know I seem better, but I’m not.”Do I tell her?“I’m not sleeping, and then I can’t get out of bed unless the girls are there pushing me to get up.” I pause to breathe in and out, “And there’s a lot of times…I just don’t want to keep going because it hurts so bad.” Sandy slips a trembling hand over mine. When our eyes meet, hers are pooling with tears. She gets out of her chair and embraces me. Standing bent over, she hugs me tight. I don’t let the sobs out, but I know the tears are still falling. Same as her.
She’s still holding me when I whisper to her, “Please don’t tell him.” Sandy releases me, and sits back down in her chair.
Her voice trembles when she says, “If that’s what you really want, I won’t.”
“It’s what I need.” She nods her head in understanding. I need Liam to think I’m fine. The last thing I’d ever want from him is his pity.
“Are you seeing someone about this?”
“Yeah, I am.”
She nods again. “What can I do to help?”
“I don’t know if there’s anything that can help. I think it’s just a matter of time at this point.”Unfortunately.
“Well, if you think of anything at all, I hope we’ll be the first ones you call because there isn’t much Jim or I wouldn't do for you and the girls.”
“Will do,” I reply solemnly. Sandy reaches out and gives my shoulder a warm squeeze.
I try my best to ease the tension, though. “It’s just like old times, Sandy. Me crying in the cafe. Except this time, we can’t have tequila!” I force out a laugh.
“Speak for yourself, baby!” This time I really do laugh. I start to wipe away my tears and I wonder,how many more tears will I shed for this man?
I slide into the driver's seat of my new SUV and try to focus on my breathing for just a moment.Why? WHY would he ask about me?I don’t get it. I wish Sandy wouldn’t have told me. I didn’t need to know he had a new number and that I’ve crossed his mind, even if it was only in the politest sense. It changes nothing, but it hurts like hell.
I start the car, but sit in my parking spot at The Grounds for a few more minutes, mostly staring off into space. Without thinking, I start driving. It’s like I’m in a trance. I’mnotthinking, I’m just doing. I wind up the mountain, on the road to Liam’s house, mindlessly. As I get closer to the turn for his street, my palms turn damp and I feel like I have to pee, badly, all of a sudden. I’m nervous.
What if he’s home? If he is, will I get out? Will I yell at him? Scream at him? Or will I just keep on trucking?
I make the turn onto his street. Even though it’s mid morning, the road is still mostly shadowed by the thick pines growing all around, making it feel ominous and dreadful. I beginto slow down as I approach the entrance to his driveway and my heart palpitates.
There’s no Range Rover. But there is another car parked right in front of the garage. The jealousy that pulses through me feels like an ice cold I.V. It hurts, and for a moment I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I instinctively slam on my brakes. With my arms stretched out in front of me on the steering wheel, I hang my head between them and try desperately to inhale.
That car could be anyone’s. It could be the cleaning lady, it could be a tenant.Unfortunately, I can’t think that rationally right now, and I refuse to believe it. There probably is someone else by now. Even if there wasn’t when he ended things, I’d have to be an idiot to think he isn’t moving on, or hasn’t moved on by now.
Hell, I actually wish therewassomeone else. Then at least I’d know. I’d get some closure and know how big of an ass Liam really is. And that would make it better, because it’s the not knowing that eats away at me and degrades my mental health. Not knowing is like being in quicksand, and the only person that could save me is Liam, but he’s just standing there. Ignoring me. Seeing me go down, but never once acknowledging my existence.
I wish he’d just tell me, ‘I don’t love you. I don’t want to be together. I’d rather be with someone else.’Fuck, even if he told me he’d rather be alone,thatwould be better thanthis.Fucking coward.
The person I was planning my entire life around, the person I would have given anything and everything for is the one person who won’t acknowledge that I exist.Shouldn’t that be closure, enough?I shouldn’t need to knowwhy, I should just accept that the only truth I will know firmly in this entire situation is that he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t care about me and my pregnancy means nothing to him.Fucking accept those facts, Britain.I seriously need to chin up and move the fuck on.
I ease off the brake and go down to the end of the street where the pavement widens into a dead end. I turn around, and this time, when I drive by, I don’t even bother to look. There’s something I need to do before I turn out onto the main road, though. I scroll through Carplay, hit Jess’ name, then wait while the ringing echoes through the empty cab of my vehicle.
“Hey, babe. I was just thinking about you!” Jess answers the phone cheerfully.
