Page 49 of Constantine: Britain's Story: Part 2
“Just curious.” I sit and think about how different Alex’s life would’ve been if Constantine would have raised him instead of Ray. What sort of traumas could have been avoided? Of course, I wouldn’t even exist in that scenario, though. Or Matthias and I would be half-siblings.Ick.
I don’t think about Ray much, if ever. Even the sound of his name in my head is foreign. I have absolutely no association with him. It’s wild, because I look at Matthias, Max, Niko, and Silas, and to remove Constantine from their lives would be removing what makes them, well,them. I can only imagine how different all of our lives would’ve been if Constantine had just been added to ours. I shouldn’t think that because it would’ve led to the destruction of their family, but I am envious. Probably always will be.
“You’re lucky to have him, Mats.” He glances over at me and squeezes my hand.
“I know, babe. I hope I can be half the dad he was,” he says, then moves a hand over to my belly in a loving gesture.Dad. Peanut is going to have one hell of a convoluted family dynamic and father-figure scenario. I feel my chest tighten with shame and guilt. Someday will the peanut be wondering why I didn’t stay with Liam so they could be raised by both parents in the same home?Fuck, I’ve made a mess of my life, my kids’ lives.
I let out an anxious sigh as we start getting closer to my house. It feels a bit like Cinderella coming home at the stroke of midnight. The rose-colored glasses get lifted off, and reality starts to take over. Even with running into Julie and Liam, tonight felt like a dream. Getting to be with Matthias and enjoy each other was something I needed, and didn’t even know. But now, all I can think about is Jess, and Liam’s letter, and custody agreements (yes, plural,) and bicoastal living schedules.And it’s fucking overwhelming.
Like a sixth sense, Matthias sees the shift. As we pull into the drive, he relinquishes my hand to maneuver into park. He doesn’t immediately kill the engine or move to get out just yet, though.
“I know it’s a lot to work out, and a lot to figure out, but I’m here, Brit. I’m not going anywhere, and I’ll support you however you need. Whenever you need it.”He’s not going to like this request, though.
“There is something you can support me with…” I say quietly.
“Anything, babe.”
“I’m going to ask Liam to come to my ultrasound next week.” I pause, trying to gauge his reaction, but it’s unreadable so far. “And I just need you to be okay with it.” He doesn’t say anything, but he turns his head away from me to look out the driver’s window. His body language is response enough, and my shoulders drop with disappointment.
We sit there for several minutes, completely silent when I try again, “This baby deserves to have their dad be part of their life, and I can’t let my feelings or history get in the way of that.” I don’t know if Liam will be a good dad or not, but he deserves the chance to at least try. I won’t be the one to prevent him.
“Brit, please don’t do it,” Matthias says, then turns to look at me with tear-lined eyes. I can understand how hard this is, but it’s not up for discussion.
“I have to, Matthias. It’s non-negotiable. I’m asking for your support, not your permission.” I wait, the next move is his. If he doesn’t say anything, I’ll get out of this car and leave it all behind because I won’t fight over this for the next 18 years with a partner. My partner is going to have to accept that I have two exes that have to be part of their kids’ lives, or they won’t, and they won’t be my partner. I’d rather know now, I guess.
“I want to be the one at the ultrasound appointment,” Matthias finally speaks up without looking at me.
“I understand, but I don’t think havingeverybodyat the appointment at the same time is a good idea.”
“No, I mean, I want it to just be you and me. Don’t invite Liam. He had his chance to be present, and a dad.”
“Well, that’s not really how parenting works. You don’t screw up once and then you’re fired. You screw up, and then you get better. That’s how it goes.”
Matthias turns to look at me, hardly a speck of warmth in his expression. “I know I’m not a parent, Britain, but you don’t have to condescend to me.”What the hell?
“I’m not trying to be condescending. But really, this isn’t up for discussion. I just wanted to let you know, and I’d hoped that you could support my decisions like you said you would.” It’s always,‘I’ll be there for you,’butonly as long as it’s on my terms and you’re doing what I want you to. Maybe he thinks I’m being just as immovable on the subject, but I can’t bend on this. I just can’t.
I wait, hoping to hear him change his mind, but it doesn’t come. He doesn’t say anything. At all. But he does move his hands to brace the steering wheel and turn to look straight ahead, giving me the universal sign of ‘I’m ready to go.’Fine. I unbuckle my seat belt, grab my purse, and get out of the car, but don’t shut the door just yet.
“I know it’s a lot. I knowI’ma lot, but don’t tell someone you’d doanythingto make it work or that you’re ready to support anyway, anyhow, when it’s not true.” He doesn’t move or turn to me, and he definitely doesn’t say anything. So I shut the door and walk up the pathway towards the house, expecting him to stop me. To call out for me and say, “Wait!” But he doesn’t.Wow. Instead, the only sound I hear is that of his car driving away.
At least I know now.Damn, Britain, can’t you get anything right in your life for once?
I stop at the front door and hesitate. There’s not one part of me that wants to go in. It’s only 10:15, and chances are there’s at least someone hanging around on the main level making a stealth entrance impossible.I can’t pretend to be okay right now.So I plop onto the bench in the front courtyard instead. Slipping off my shoes, I pull my knees into my chest so I have a place to rest my forehead, and I cry.
When does this all get easier?Is it when you remove romantic entanglements? Is that when your life gets simpler? I think back to a couple months ago, when it was just me at the house in Virginia, all alone.
Ha!Things were definitely simpler then. They weren’tbetter, but at least I wasn’t pregnant, with two baby daddies and a confusing mess of a life. Ironically, if I had just listened to Damian, or even Jess, I wouldn’t be here right now. They warned me against moving into things too quickly. And now they’re proven right and it’s like my 24-hour engagement all over again — embarrassing. Mortifying. Pathetic.Cringe.
“Britain?”The word echoes in my mind like I’m underwater, or whoever is saying the words is. I just clench my eyes tighter; I’m not ready for consciousness.
“Britain, baby, come on,”the voice says, and then I’m floating. I levitate off the bench, weightlessly, into a warm cocoon to travel in. I snuggle in deeper, craving the warmth, trying desperately to get closer to it.“Christ, you’re freezing,”the voice says, sending a chill running down my spine, yet simultaneously soothing me.
It could have been an hour or thirty seconds, but then I feel like I’m falling, gently. Like a feather falling from the sky, weightlessly drifting into another pile of feathers. I snuggle into the feather bed and practically purr from the comfort and the heat.
“Can I get you something to change into?”The voice wafts over me in waves. It’s so deep, it sounds so warm.
“S-ssocks, and a sss-sweatshirt. P-pp-please.” I lay back as warm fingers drift over me, moving me, rearranging me. At one point, they even hold me up prone to slip a sweatshirt over my naked body. I’m here, but a million miles away, my head and heart too dreary to join the living world.
