Page 22 of Constantine: Britain's Story: Part 2
Damian rubs his hand across his forehead, sheepishly. “Yeah, uh, I wish I would’ve done some things differently.”
“Yeah.”Me too. “Of course, you could sleep in one of the girls’ bedrooms tonight. They’re sleeping over at Sandy’s. We can all go get them tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll just stay in here, it’s fine. But, uh, they’re staying at Sandy’s? What about…you know?” He doesn’t want to say his name.Same.
“It’s not like he’s there or around. As far as I know, he’s still in Sonoma, and Sandy is good for the girls. Like a grandma they never had, you know?”
“That’s great. And hey, I’m really looking forward to seeing Spearhead Lake.” He reaches out to gently pat my arm. The awkwardness of the gesture isn’t lost on me.
“Sooo, how long are you planning on staying?” I try to ask in my most polite, nonchalant voice.
He laughs, “Ahh, not long, I promise. I just want to see the girls and then I’ve got a couple meetings in Silicon Valley early next week.”
“You’re welcome as long as you want, Damian. I wasn’t trying to make it sound otherwise. It does feel a bit weird though, no? I mean staying in the same house but different bedrooms. Me in the primary suite, you in the nursery.” Damian is like a security blanket. Part of me wishes he would just wrap me up and cuddle me and make me feel better, but that’s not really his role in mylife anymore.I don’t really know if he even has a role in my life. I’m a bit surprised that the thought of it makes me sad.
“I was thinking the same thing. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you, Brit. And seeing you pregnant,” he motions down to the bump I didn’t even attempt to hide, “it’s like going back in time. I think, Iwish, I could do it all over again, you know?”
“Oh, I know. Sixteen years sounds like a long time, but looking back, it all went by in the blink of an eye. And now here I am, doing it all over. On my own.” The embarrassment of it forces me to drop eye contact, hoping to avoid the pity in his eyes.
“You don’t have to do it on your own. You know that, right? You can come back to Virginia-” I cut him off.
“Come back to Virginia and what? Ask you and Summer to come babysit once a month?” My tone is harsher than I meant. “Sorry, just, I don’t think Virginia is the best place for me to be right now.”
“No, you’re right, of course. I’m also three times busier now than I was when the girls were babies.” He pauses to laugh gently. “I just love to find solutions for problems is all.” Yes,I know.
“Well, I’ll let you get settled in. Let me know if you need anything, though I’m sure Jess would be better at helping you find it than me.” I turn to leave, but he grabs my hand and pulls me into a big bear hug before I can walk away.
“You’re doing great, Brit. You’re going to do great, okay? You did all the hard baby parentingbasicallyby yourself, for both girls,at the same time. One is going to be a walk in the park for you.” He runs his hand up and down my back warmly and I just let the tears fall. Damian still understands me. He knows my biggest fear in life is to be alone and he’s trying to build me up just like he used to. I nuzzle into his chest, pushing my face into his cashmere polo, but with surprise, I realize he doesn’t smelllikemyDamian anymore. He smells likehersnow. I pat his back for him to release me and he does.
“I’ll see you downstairs in a bit,” I say as I leave the room without looking back. But instead of heading to the main level, I head to my bedroom for a quick closet cry. Checking my watch in the jewelry case, I realize it’s still a bit too early for my nightly anxiety crying. This is just flat-outsadcrying. My chest physically aches, so I stop trying to hold the tears in and let them out, and then I do what comes naturally. I open my top drawer and pull out my old phone. I hold my finger over the power button, debating.
The temptation is strong. Whenever I feel at my absolute worst, I want to text him. I want to tell him everything I’m thinking and feeling, and I want him to make me better. I want him to want me. I want himperiod,still, and I hate myself for that.I fucking hate myself.
Don’t do it,the little voice in the back of my mind says. It’s my last sliver of self-respect I still have left that saysdon’t do it.It tells meif you do, you’ll lose this last shred of dignity, forever.So I reopen the drawer and chuck the phone back inside.
I should text Matthias,notLiam. Pulling myself together as best as possible, I head downstairs.
Britain
What are you up to?
Matthias
Not much, just back at the office working.
Getting a bit late, no?
Nowhere else to be, why not?
That stings a bit. He’s obviously still salty about earlier.
Okay, well, Jess and Damian are here now, keeping me company.
There’s three little dots that disappear. Then they’re back, then they disappear again before they come back.
Damian is there, too?
Yeah, Jess caught a flight with him. He came to see the girls before some meetings next week.
