Page 53 of Constantine: Britain's Story: Part 2
“Really, don’t be.I’m sorrythat you’re feeling like crap and can’t talk to me about it.”
“Yeah…” is all she says back.
“Well, when you’re ready. I’m here.”
“I know.”
“Okay, I, uh, desperately need a shower and to change, and then let’s have coffee and I’ll tell you all about the Greek Fest. Sound good?”
Jess nods. “Yeah, yes. I really want to know what happened.”
“Alright, I’ll see you down in a minute.” Jess just gives a dip of her head and exits, leaving me alone, withit. Thefullexplanation I’ve been waiting for. Will it change anything? Do I want it to change anything?No.I need to keep a level head.
Damian and I have just gotten to a good place. We’re friends who co-parent and care about each other, but without the messy romantic love and intimacy, and now I need that with Liam. I need to uncomplicate our situation. I need to stop hating himandstop loving him. I need a co-parent, not a life partner. I already have two of those, Jess and Damian. And it seems like every time I open my heart —and my legs— everything goes to shit. I’m closing the door on that part of my life.
Maybe when this baby is in elementary school, and the girls are in college, I can revisit dating, but right now, it doesn’t make sense. This mythical person would have to be perfect in every single way. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. Since that’s not fair or realistic, and since said perfect person doesn’t exist, I just need to let the dream of finding happiness with someone go.
I roll off the bed and walk the letter back to my closet. My old phone, sitting in the charging station, is calling my name and I know what I need to do. There’s new messages from Liam, but I don’t bother to read them. I just power it off, then place the phone and letter beside each other in the top drawer for another day.
After a quick shower and change of clothes, I check my phone and see new messages from Matthias.
Matthias: Are you going to call me back? We need to talk.
Matthias: Please, call me.
My stomach turns as I close out those messages and open a new one. My fingers tremble slightly as I type out the text.
Britain: Hi, this is Britain. There is an ultrasound appointment this Thursday at 1:00 P.M. at Silas’ office. You’re welcome to come, but don’t feel like you have to be there. I have a prenatal check first, which usually lasts 30 minutes. If you want to come for just the ultrasound, that’s probably around 1:30.
His reply comes through before I can even set the phone back down.
Liam: I’ll be there.
Britain: Okay, I’ll send you the address.
I don’t think I can put the next thing off any longer. I open my contacts, clicking on Matthias’ name. It only rings once before he answers.
“Britain! God, I-I-I’m so sorry. Let me explain-”
I cut him off. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Mats. Really. I completely understand where you’re coming from and how you feel. If the tables were turned, I would absolutely not want your ex at an ultrasound.” I pause, hearing him sigh out in relief. “But I think it’s probably for the best that this ends now.”
“Don’t do this, Brit,” he says, his voice low and tense.
“I know you hate hearing this, but you deserve someone less complicated. Someone who can put you first.” I don’t want to sugarcoat it; the root of some of these problems is that Matthias doesn’t come first for me, not even close. There’s the girls, the baby, Damian, Jess, and ultimately myself. I would put all of them above Matthias. I love him, but not enough to let the restof my life fall by the wayside. And I think maybe I’m finally realizing if I’m not taking care of me, I can’t be good for anyone else. It didn’t work with Damian and it doesn’t work with Mats.Nothing works with Liam, so there’s no comparison there.
“Stop fucking saying that, Brit. I choose you. Wherever I fall in your arbitrary list, I still choose you. Because guess what? There’s going to be times in our life where you’re not first for me. The company is my life, and I’ll have to prioritize that. You will, of course, be the only person romantically, but I get it, okay? I understand, so why can’t you just accept that I’m okay with it?”
“Because you’re not okay with it! If I prioritize being a successful parent, that means being a good co-parent, and that includes inviting Liam to doctors appointments, and ultimately, to be part of my life. And you really just dropped me off the other night and didn’t even say goodbye to me…you wouldn’t even look at me because you couldn’t support my decision. It’s unnecessary stress. I can’t be walking around on eggshells about every decision I have to make moving forward. Not that you’ll make me ask permission, but I’ll be so worried how it’ll affect you, it will stress me out.”
“You’re being really selfish, Britain.”What the fuck?
“No, Matthias, I’m telling you I can’t give you everything you want and need, but that you deserve to find that with someone else. I’m literally doing this for your happiness!”
“Then what happens when you’re the only thing that makes me happy? WHAT THEN, BRIT?!” he yells at me.
Lowering my voice, I ask, “Please don’t yell at me, okay?” I can hear him clear his throat, maybe not fully aware how loud he just shouted.
“17 years, Britain. I’ve waited 17 years. I didn’t do all that just to fuck you after the Greek Fest and then say goodbye again.” The way he says it sounds crass. “Or is that all you wanted from me, huh? Is it?”
