Page 7 of Constantine: Britain's Story: Part 2
I can hear Carla now, “Grief isn’t a linear experience, Britain. You are allowed to be okay one day, then not the next.” Carla’s right, she always is, and nothing is as true as that statement. Grief hasn’t been linear for me. It’s been a zig-zagging chart of high highs and low lows.
“Whoa! Mom, you, like,poppedor something.” Elodie sidelines me in the kitchen. I look down at the belly.She’s right, it wasn’t this protruding yesterday. I look up to see Elodie staring at my stomach, too.
I laugh lightly, not whole-heartedly. “Yep, sure did.” I pause for a moment, picturing Liam in the kitchen with us. I can see him reaching out for me, obsessed with me and our growing baby. I get chills, and my stomach rolls. I hate that I do this. I imagine the ‘might have beens’ constantly. The doctors appointments we would go to together. The nights we’d spend lying in bed, my body pressed against his. I imagine the whispered ‘I love you’s’ and the feel of his warm hands on me.I have to stop doing this. I have to because not only are these fantasies decidedly not real, neither was our relationship.
“So, I have my appointment with Carla at 8:00, and then a doctor's appointment this afternoon. But other than that, what do you guys want to do today?” I try my best to divert my attention to planning. This is what I do. This is how I survive.
Caroline joins us in the kitchen. “We were actually hoping you’d take us to Gigi’s this morning.”Oh.
“Sure, yeah. I can do that.” The girls and Sandy are getting on like a house on fire. I’ve never really understood that sentiment, but when I see the three of them together, laughing like hooligans, it starts to make more sense. “You want me to take you to the coffee shop or to their house? And then what time do you want me to pick you up? I can come right afterthe appointment, and we can do Colton’s for dinner. All of us together, maybe?”
Elodie and Caroline exchange a look, activating my “mom sense.” They’re keeping something from me.
Caroline speaks for both of them, “Yeah, that sounds good. We can also just play it by ear depending when you get done. And you can take us to the coffee shop. Grandpa wants our help making the cinnamon rolls for this weekend.”
“Mmm hmm, okay,” I say with suspicion and a hint of jealousy. I sort of wish I could just ditch my appointment and go make cinnamon rolls, too. Getting lost in the physical activity would be nice. So would hanging out with Sandy, Jim, and the girls. But I should be cherishing this alone time because pretty soon such a thing won’t exist.
“I’m gonna go sit on the patio with a cup of coffee. Anyone want to join me?” Maybe I can get one of them to spill the beans about the look they just shared.
Caroline pipes up before Elodie gets a chance, “We’re gonna go eat breakfast, then get ready so as soon as you're done with Carla, we can leave.” Elodie just nods along in response. Whenever they’re being secretive, Caroline talks for the both of them since Elodie lacks a filter. I was always able to count on Elodie to tattle on Caroline, and herself, when they were littler.
“No problem, sounds good. If you need anything, you know where to find me.” I smile and head for the coffee maker that Elodie has already prepped and readied for me, my favorite mug already sitting underneath the drip. The girls make their own breakfast, filling humongous bowls with Cap’n Crunch, while I get out my bowl for my oatmeal filled with hemp, chia, and flax seeds.Ah, to be young again.
I’m just getting settled on the patio with my coffee and breakfast when my phone pings. I don’t even have to look to know who it is.Matthias. It’s the same every morning. He’ssteadfast, still, after all these weeks. My mouth turns up the smallest amount as I read the message.
Matthias
Morning sweetheart. Hope you slept well and you’re feeling better.
Britain
Hi. I slept okay, and feel a little bit better. Thanks for checking. ??
Lies. I did not sleep okay and my stomach didn’t hurt. But I wanted him to leave last night, so I told him I was nauseous and wanted to go to bed. I don’t want Matthias to know how bad I’m struggling. So, I hide it from him, which is awful. I know I should tell him, but every time I’m with him, I feel good and I think,this is all I need, to just be around him, and I’ll be fine. But again, as soon as the sun sets…I get this awful feeling that comes over me, and I push Matthias away.
I don’t think he’s caught on. At least I hope he hasn’t because I don’t want him to feel like he’s some runner-up or rebound, that I’d rather be somewhere else than with him. I want to be with him, but there’s a wall between here and there that I can’t seem to scale just yet. I open my phone and add to my ‘Things to talk about with Carla list’:Progressing with Matthias, when will I be able to be intimate with him?
I set my phone down on the patio table and look out over the lake. There’s hardly a cloud in the sky, the water smooth as glass due to the early hour, and the memories just as fresh and biting as if it all happened yesterday. The irony that this is where I methimis like a slap across the face. I’m sure he barely remembers it, but not me. There was something about him even then that I was inexplicably drawn to and yearned for. Even then, before I knew what it meant, I washis.
I cuddle into the outdoor sofa with my laptop perched on its arm. I’m still nursing my coffee, stretching it out as long as possible so it feels like my second cup, not my rewarmed first, and I’ve got my box of Kleenex by my side at the ready. The good news is I don’t feel queasy and nervous before today’s session like I did last week, which means I’m acclimating into routine therapy again. But I can’t fool myself into thinking that I won’t feel like utter crap by the time this is over. So with dread, I open the Zoom invite link and wait for Carla to join.
The interior courtyard that sits in the center of the house is still a bit sparsely decorated, but I’ve got my sofa and side table, my laptop and coffee — the essentials. And the girls made good on their promise to get ready for Sandy’s as soon as breakfast was over. They’ve also made themselves scarce from the main level for my session. I don’t ask them to do it, but I’m glad they do. No one wants to watch their mom break down every night, let alone every therapy session, too.
The laptop dings as Carla joins our meeting.
“Wow, Carla. Your hair looks amazing.” She’s gotten rid of her bob. The severe bob she’s had for six years is now a chic pixie cut.
“Thank you, Britain. How are you feeling today?” She never lets me small-talk my way out of discussing my feelings.
“Well, about the same, I guess. I'm still having a hard time at night. Still crying a lot.” I shrug.
“Has anything changed over the past week?” She always asks this, it’s her underhanded way of inquiring whether I’ve been in touch with Liam.
“No.” She just nods her head, wanting me to elaborate on my answer, but I don’t want to. If she asks a yes or no question, she’s going to get a yes or no answer. After we’re both silent for a moment, she tries again.
“How are things going at the new house? How do the girls feel about their new home?”
“New house is good. Still trying to make it feel like ours, but it’s nice. I like that it’s sort of secluded, but we’re still close enough to town and the doctor’s office and hospital. I also like that it doesn’t have any old memories like Georgia’s house.”Orlike Liam’s. “And the girls seem happy. They’ve bonded with Sandy and Jim this past week. They’re actually going to their house today while I’m at the ultrasound. And they’re also getting to see Alex more, too, which I think is great. They’ve never had a ton of family around, besides Damian’s dad, so I think they’re just soaking up their new connections. If they’re unhappy, they haven’t said so. But even if they were, I don’t think they’d tell me.” I laugh ironically, “They’re looking out for me now, not the other way around…I feel like a terrible parent.”Ugh.
