Page 55 of Skye's Fall
My eyes feel like they’re swollen shut. I ran the whole five miles to my mom’s house and cried myself to sleep. I could hear my mom and brother talking outside my door, but I ignored them. I’ve embarrassed this family again on national TV. I’m a failure at life. I’ve been holed up in my room for three days, only emerging for food.
I was with Linc twice before I married Memphis, behind both of their backs. Childish of me, I know, but I was a selfish hag. I found out I was pregnant right before I married Memphis. I didn’t tell anyone. I know in my heart and due to the timeline that it was Linc’s. I kept quiet about it. Memphis was gone all the time, never knew I put on weight.
I was such a raging bitch to him that if he did, I’m sure I would have snapped his head off. Every little thing would set me off with him. That’s not true— I think I found things to be pissy about. I pushed Memphis away just like I pushed Linc away. It’s a bad habit I have, pushing away people I care about. And then I hurt Memphis in such a public way I never thought he would ever speak to me again. I used him and then I used myself right up. When I see news clips of everything that happened between us play out on the news, I want to slap myself silly. That’s not me. I was a horrible monster. Satan is a good name for me.
I roll out of bed and take a shower. I need one, I smell. I haven’t showered since I came home. I’m hoping it will relax my body. I’m sure I smell gross. No, I know I smell gross because I can smell myself and I smell like the trash dumpster outside of Beau’s bar. I’m nasty.
I shower and dress and head out to the kitchen, tip-toeing in, hoping no one sees me. If either Beau or my mom does, they will try to get me to talk. And I’m not at that point yet, I don’t think.
“Want to talk about it?” My mom asks as she catches me sneaking into the kitchen.
“Not yet. Someday I will, but not right now.” I know that hurts her, but I have to be honest.
She nods and hands me a plate to take back to my room. I’ve already told her I don’t want visitors either. Especially Linc. I doubt he will seek me out though. Pretty sure he hates me to no end now. No changing that. I deserve that.
I wanted to tell him about the baby. I wanted to tell Memphis, but I knew he would be upset and feel betrayed. People make me out to be a monster, and I am, but I do have feelings. And I do care, even when they don’t think I do.
I’m still trying to figure out how I know Lily or Kelsey. Even Mallory. That eludes me. I’ve racked my brain, even looked at pictures of galas and events I went to with Memphis. Still nothing.
I pull out my journal, the one I wrote in about Linc, and read a few pages until my eyes are watering. I slide it under my pillow. I messed up my whole life and I don’t think I can fix it. I wanted everything with him and I know now that he would have given it to me.
“You bought his ranch for him?” Beau throws open my door with a yell.
“I did, yes. He still hated me at the time, but I had the money and it was the right thing to do. I only ask that you don’t tell him,” I reply quietly.
“This would change everything.” I shake my head. I know where he’s going with this.
“I don’t want him to come to me because he thinks he owes me. I don’t even want the money back I paid for it. I just want him to be happy.”
“He’s miserable.”
“I’m at fault and I’m sorry,” I tell him. I’m miserable too.
“Why can’t you just grow up and talk to him?” he asks, taking a seat on my bed.
“Grow up? That’s rich coming from you. You’re in your forties, pining after a twenty something and still can’t even tell her. I told him how I felt. I lied about the pregnancy. I knew it would destroy him and I was right.”
“What happened with the baby?” Beau asks and I start sobbing. I just can’t take all of this.
“Oh, hey, I’m sorry,” he sits on the bed and hugs me.
“I can’t right now.” I hold onto him tighter. I need that.
“Okay, okay. When you’re ready,” he says and I just nod as he rubs my back.
“I’ll let you get some rest,” he gets up and shuts the door, leaving me to my thoughts.
The death of a child isn’t something anyone should have to go through. It might not have been bigger than a kiwi, but I loved it. I would have been a good mom. I mean, I’d like to think so. It would have changed a lot in my life.
At some point, I would have told Memphis I was pregnant, but there was never a good time. I don’t even know how I fell so far down the rabbit hole, but I did. I won’t need a shovel to get me out, I will need a backhoe to dig me out.
I need to grieve for everything that has happened, my past, my present, my baby, and in a few days, hopefully start to move on. But can you do that when you’ve messed up so bad? Guess I’ll find out.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lincoln
“Ever already talked to me and I’ve let you out of the contract,” Sal says as I approach him. The show is supposed to start back up today, but I don’t want any part of it.
