Page 105 of Finding Jack
She pressed me back against the couch as I leaned over to fumble for my phone. “No. Don’t call him. You’re right that this isn’t your problem to fix. That’s the first thing you have to see. This is a problem that you can’t solve by hammering at it. You can’t. He has stuff he needs to work out, and maybe he will. But he might not. Not for a long time, if at all.”
I shrank away from her, curling in slightly to protect my core from her gentle words.
“I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling right now, but I can see on your face that it’s hard. And I’m so sorry for that. But you’ve been overdue for a heartbreak. I would never wish it on you, but I don’t think we get to avoid them forever.” She leaned over and drew me down to her lap, letting me keep my arms wrapped around myself. It felt like the only thing holding me together when all the pieces inside of me wanted to fall apart, fractured by the unbearable sadness I could finally feel. It wasn’t a sadness over things not working out with Jack. It was the tiny glimpse that Sean, then Ranée, had given me of the magnitude of the pain that Jack must be carrying. And if it was enough to curl me into a ball, how was he still standing?
We stayed that way for a long time, an hour or more, just quiet, while I cried. The tears I’d cried the previous night were because I’d been hurt by Jack. These were because I hurtforhim. They were quieter and infinitely harder.
And when I stopped crying, Ranée sat me up and put her hands on my shoulders, looking me in my swollen eyes. “That’s the kind of crying someone does when she’s giving up on a relationship. I don’t know how you guys can make this work, but just ask yourself if you’re ready to quit on something that matters this much to you. And that’s all I’m going to say about it.”
Then she put on Netflix and watched old episodes ofMurder, She Wrotein silence until I finally fell asleep again and Ranée made me go back to my bed.
By Saturday afternoon, I felt more human again. I’d made myself a real breakfast, gone to the gym, and run Ranée’s insights through my mind so many times that they got enough mileage to qualify for the Boston marathon. For all her bulldozer tendencies, she’d found the kindest possible way to tell me a hard truth: I lacked empathy.
I did. Whether I hadn’t had the experiences necessary to develop it was beside the point. It was me who lacked some of the basic emotional skills that a real relationship required, not Jack.
I sent Jack my first text since walking away from him.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.
It wasn’t meant as an invitation to say we should try again. Nothing had changed except that I realized I’d judged him far too harshly. But that didn’t suddenly mean we had a path to move forward. All of the same obstacles blocked it.
But it didn’t really matter what I meant, because by the time I was getting ready for bed, he still hadn’t answered.
Ranée stopped by my room with a cup of chamomile tea. “I have a feeling you’ll need this tonight.”
“I’m okay.”
“Then why do you look so sad?”
I tapped my cell phone. “I texted Jack a few hours ago, told him that I shouldn’t have pushed. He hasn’t texted back, and I don’t think he’s going to.”
She sat on the bed. “He’s tried in big and little ways to tell you how deep this pain runs for him. He may not believe that you really get it this time.”
“That’s because I don’t. A tiny bit, maybe. More than I did. But nothing like what he must have gone through to walk away from it all.” I plucked at the bedspread a couple of times. “About that. I have a plan. But it’s hard.”
“I’m listening.”
“Do you think I should volunteer at Benioff?” That was the children’s hospital. “Maybe it would help me understand things better.”
She looked thoughtful. “I know Sean mentioned that they were always looking for volunteers at his hospital. The kids need the company or someone to play with them, and the parents need a break. I’m sure every children’s hospital is like that. It’s going to be hard watching the staff facing down battles that can’t be won and fighting them anyway. It’s going to wear you out, but…I don’t know. My time at the barn has made me softer and stronger at the same time.”
I turned the idea over in my head. “It sounds so hard.”
“Maybe this is something life is trying to teach you right now. I think you have the right idea.” Then she slipped out.
I sat there and thought about nothing else for the rest of the night.
Chapter 40
I snapped a selfie in front of the welcome sign at Benioff Children’s Hospital as Sharon Kerns, the volunteer coordinator walked by. She stopped and smiled. “First shift, right? Are you excited?”
“Nervous,” I admitted.
“Don’t be. The kids, they’ll make it clear if they want company or not. They’re used to the volunteers. Sometimes they want you in there but don’t want to talk. Just follow their lead. You’re doing these parents a huge service. Don’t forget that.”
“I’ll try not to,” I said. I was a respite playmate, essentially, on call to keep any of the kids company so their parents could run down to the cafeteria or take a walk without having to worry about leaving their sick kid alone.
“You’re going to do great. But don’t forget that there are no photos allowed once you’re on the floor. Privacy laws.”
