Page 187 of The Secret We Keep
With a smirk, Paddy looks at my fingers prodding him. “Fi and I have been running every day, and I joined a gym through work. I feel better for it.”
Helooksbetter for it.
“I can’t wait to see them in the flesh.” I flick a curious glance over his body, making him smile. “And the dirty boots in the back?” I hoick a thumb over my shoulder. “Football?”
“Ballet.”
I deadpan. “Funny.”
Paddy chuckles. “Stoney Grange Gladiators made the finals and won, as you know. Now we’ve got a whole heap of friendlies coming up.”
“When do you get your call up, Becks?”
“When all the pub teams stop joining the league.”
I chuckle. “That’s good, though. That they want to join.”
“It’s brought a few people together, yeah.”
Eyeing him curiously, I stop touching him, my hand now resting on my lap. “Are you talking about Jerry?”
He nods. “Guy’s got a killer left foot.”
I sincerely hope my brother is legitimately enjoying being home and not being an arsehole all the time.
Hearing my unspoken words, Paddy says softly, “I think he means it.” He quickly looks my way and takes my hand, placing it back on him before looking back at the road. “The new Mr Nice Guy, thing. I think it’s real.”
I’ll believe it when I see it.
Flexing my fingers, wanting to change the subject, I know I don’t have long before I have to face everyone. I didn’t want anyone visiting me in the unit, only Paddy and my mum were who I put on my list.
That wasn’t through shame or fear. More so, my wanting to achieve the things I want to achieve by learning how to believe in myself again. Call it trivial but even taking my medication every day was something I wanted to know I was in control of, before going home and having to rely on other people to do it for me.
I now know that’s what was happening before I knew Holly had gone. I took tablets given to me without thought. Ate foods cooked for me, which were good for my diet. All of this I need to be able to navigate and manage on my own. That’s not to say I shouldn’t and can’t ask for help, but if I know what’s going on, then I can be better equippedtoask for help when I’m struggling, and not have it presumed that I need help all the time.
It's taken many weeks for me to realise this, and as we pass the familiar bus shelter and park behind the row of cars waiting for us, I know that after today, I have to let my friend go. For good this time.
I knew this day was coming. I wrote about it daily. Dreaded it most nights. But now that I’m here, a certain ease floats through my veins, seeing my family and the people I care for all beginning to climb out from their cars.
They’re here for me.
“Ready?”
I look at Paddy. “Yeah.” There isn’t any uncertainty in my voice. I’m ready. I can finally do what I should have been able to do three years ago.
Getting out and coming round to my side, Paddy opens the door and holds it open for me.
I take his hand in mine, needing him to steady my shaky legs, even though in my heart, I’m okay. We take a few paces towards everyone waiting with bated breaths, watching us.
“You told them not to crowd me, didn’t you?”
“Naturally,” he says under his breath.
“Thank you,” I whisper back, gripping him tighter.
I say my hellos, shedding my newfound tears as my mum hugs me, my dad’s arms coming around the both of us. “It’s so good to have you back,” he says, sniffing back his own emotion.
“I’m sorry I got a little lost along the way.”
