Page 59 of The Secret We Keep
Both his hands cover his face as he suppresses a choked sob. “Because you are,” he breathes, tone drained.
A deep sting pierces my chest. My dad, the man who’s supposed to love me, protect me, believe in me… he thinksI’mhis biggest burden? Confusion cuts like a jagged sword. Am I really that hard to live with? Do I really cause him this much pain?
Turning his back to me, Dad slides his hands to the back of his hair. He sobs, sounding wounded, and I’m angry with myself for doing this to him. I’m also angry that his words hit so hard.
I know I’m a burden on my parents. Whenever I look at the people around me, the pressure to change—to grow up, as he would say, it all becomes unbearable because time and time again, I feel like a failure.
And while I want to see my mum and dad happy, their happiness is solely riding on me. To carry that alone is something I can’t do. It will break me.
Growing in my own way and in my own time, should be a given, not something I beg for or have thrust upon me.
Jerry comes into view over Dad’s shoulder, frowning and shaking his head like I’m such a big disappointment before he goes back to doing whatever he was doing.
Enough is enough.
“I’ll be at the office on Monday.” I swallow the lump burning in my throat and walk past my father, who can’t even look at me. “I’m sorry I’m such a burden on this family.”
And with that, I head to my room. Alone, and very much aware that things will have to change. I don’t know how, and I can’t say why, but tonight was a wakeup call I didn’t see coming.
I slump to my bed and swipe under my eyes, expecting there to be tears, hoping what just happened is enough to finally tip me over the edge.
But when I look down at my hands, they’re dry.
Like always.
I feel underdressed
Morgan
Irubmywearyeyes and stare out of the window. I’ve laid in bed for three hours fantasising about sleep that hasn’t showed. There’s been an array of messages which have come through on my phone, none of which I’ve read. My mind feels too jaded to be able to deal with anything outside of these four walls.
So much happened in such a short space of time. I feel caught in a loop, replaying the entire evening over and over.
Was I wrong to kiss Paddy back? Did I make a mistake by kissing him in front of Jerry?
I stare up at the ceiling. How could I let this happen? I’ve opened myself up to heartbreak when what I should have been doing is concentrating on the things that are important. Like starting work or learning how to drive. Both things I’ve known I need to do but have made no attempt to even try.
I let out a sigh and grab my phone off the bedside table, refusing to look at my inbox as I open up the tab to the internet. With the big wide world in my hands, I search for driving instructors who live locally. Of course, everything that comes up is either too far away or costs too much money, so, feeling deflated, I check the time on my clock and decide to call Holly.
She answers after only one ring. “Who is this?”
Crap.“It’s me. Morgan.” Holly doesn’t have my number, but I know hers by heart.
She clears her throat. “Morgan?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“You have a phone?”
My eyes close, a glimmer of a smile breaking. “I have a phone.”
The line rattles, presumably from her moving around. “Jesus, how long for?”
“Since my birthday.”
“And you’re only just calling menow?”
I cover my face with my hand. “I forgot. I’m sorry.” I don’t admit to being so wrapped up in Paddy and my dad, that it slipped my mind.
