Page 64 of The Secret We Keep
“Paddy,” Hannah says gently, slowly making her way over.
Her softness catches me off guard. I straighten my spine, trying to get a read on her. “Hi,” I say when she eventually makes her way over to me. “How are you?”
Her face twists. I get the feeling that whatever words I had chosen would have ruined her day. “I’m good. If you consider effectively becoming a parent overnight to two young children as good, of course.”
My stomach knots. Hannah looks as good as she always does with her thick, black hair hanging loose over her shoulders and wearing her signature heels.
“They’re staying with you?” I knew Aaron didn’t have full custody of his children when he died, but their mother’s still around. “What about Amy?”
Hannah folds her arms across her middle, her basket hanging off one. “She can’t cope on her own.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, because I really fucking mean it. “If I could go back in time and change things, you know I would.”
We avoid each other’s eye contact as other shoppers closely pass us by.
“I know,” she says calmly, for the first time since her brother’s death. “Just like I know that you were only doing what you thought was best.”
Her saddened voice has me looking at her. She’s not giving me a pass, and I’m not asking for one. But her acceptance of the part I played in the accident is something I think I’ve needed.
My throat has clogged, but I clear it before I say, “You saying that means more than you know.”
In an unexpected move, she rests her hand on my arm. “I know exactly what it means, Paddy.”
I look down at the contact, then back to her. I give her a curt nod, feeling no sparks of attraction. “Alright.” I slip my arm out from underneath her and take a step back, wanting to go. As much as I destroyed this woman, she hurt me too.
Hannah’s hand is on me again. “Paddy, wait,” she rushes out. “I think we need to talk. Properly, I mean.”
I sigh heavily. “Are you forgetting what happened the last time we tried?” I think back to the fight we had, the night she started throwing everything at me. Literally.
“That was then.”
“And this is now,” I explain, pulling back once again. I feel on edge, suddenly out of my depth.
She steps forwards, closing the space between us. “Please, Paddy. I really think we need to clear the air properly. We dated for nearly a year. Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to work this out like adults?”
Another sigh slips past my lips, my conscience waging a war inside me. “We’ve already done this, Han. There’s nothing left to say that hasn’t already been said.” Our relationship was more physical than it was meaningful. These words she’s saying feel somewhat out of place.
Tears immediately swell in her eyes, catching the florescent glow of the lights above us.
With a gulp, I’m hit with regret. “I didn’t mean to upset you.” I rest a hand on her shoulder, instantly pulling it back uncomfortably.
She nods, swiping at her eyes, looking anywhere but at me. “Of course you didn’t. I just… I just wish things could have worked out differently, you know?”
I try to give her any indication that I agree, but nothing comes to me. “Yeah,” I say, not strictly being honest. Idowish things could have worked out differently. Just not with Hannah. I’m a dick for not admitting it, but it’s the truth. “Will you be okay?”
It takes her a beat to compose herself. Unlocking her jaw and grabbing the handles of her basket with both hands, she eventually tips her head slightly to one side. “I always find a way.”
Determination masks her pain, and I have zero doubts that she’s being braver than she’s letting on. But seeing her for the first time since we split wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.
Letting out a shaky breath, Hannah glides past me. I look back at her once, wondering if things had turned out differently, would what happened still have happened?
I quickly look away and forge on when I see her head beginning to turn. I don’t want to give her mixed signals or make her think I want anything more. I definitely cared for her, but I didn’t love her. And as I walk around the store, getting what I need, my mind wanders to thoughts of our relationship and how it wasn’t all bad.
I think about my folks and the people back home. I imagine what my life might have looked like had I never left.
And then I think about my career and wonder whether or not I still want to be a paramedic or if I should change my job entirely.
But most of all, I think about Morgan. I think about how I feel when I’m with her and the way she’s seemed more like her old self in recent days. More than anything, I think about our kiss and how I want to do that again.
