Page 82 of The Secret We Keep
He grabs a handful of his hair. Is this the first time he’s told anyone? Eyes closed, his breath catches, and a pained sob racks through him.
It makes me falter, legs shaking like they’re about to buckle. “What can I do?”
His shattering, muffled cry has a lump forming in my throat. It’s hopeless. Anguished. Cuts right through me. When he doesn’t say anything, the air between us stretches so tight, my ears begin to ring. I step closer to him, doubled over with his hands now on his knees, wondering what the fuck I’m supposed to do. “Tell me how I can help her,” I plead.
He eventually stands straight, blinking away his tears. And I realise he’s grieving. Grieving something that hasn’t even happened yet.
Classic Paddy
Paddy
How are those stars, curly fries?
Morgan: Beautiful, Paddy O’Keefe. They’re keeping me company
I wish I knew how to make sense of all the shit that happens. It can’t all be down to reason. There’s no way bad things happen to good people, all in the name of fate.
Then again, I didn’t think I believed in love at first sight. Every day I’ve lived with this weird feeling inside of me, like something was missing. I couldn’t ever put my finger on it. Wasn’t sure what I was meant to do. When I spoke to my pops earlier, he told me that we’re not supposed to know the answer to our problems until the moment is right. So, I guess I should be blaming him for my inability to get some fucking shut eye. That, and the onslaught of emotions after everything that happened tonight.
I’ve been thinking about my conversation with Pops, the effect of his words still stressing me out.
Before I left this place, I was just the lad who was great at football and got good grades with little effort. I was a pain in the arse to my folks, I’ll admit. But I always did right by people.
At school, they used to say,“He’s a good boy at heart”, as a way of excusing my behaviour. My headteacher once told my parents that if I applied myself more, one day we’d be seeing my name in headlines for positive things. I never knew what he meant by that, but I’m fairly certain he was just being an arsehole and implying I’d be a failure.
To prove him wrong, I did what I always do. I went out of my way to ensure I made something of myself.
Out. Of. My. Way.
That’s how I went on to get my job and to be able to afford living in London with Jake. I met Hannah, Jake moved out, and I thought I had it made. I was far fucking from it; I know that now.
My problem was that I was bored. I woke up, went to work, I came home. Rinse and repeat like it was nothing. Yes, I had Jake and Danny when he came up, but I felt isolated in a city with nearly nine million people.
Then my feet pressed back down in Stoney Grange, the place I worked so hard to get away from, and that piece of me that always felt like it was missing just appeared.
My missing piece washer.
Morgan.
Only now, after speaking to her father, I don’t think I’ll see that moment Pops was talking about.
Fuck.
Rolling onto my back, I stare up at the ceiling, one arm behind my head. Just because I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand why Morgan ended up in the position she’s in, doesn’t mean I won’t do everything in my fucking power to be here for her.
She’s got under my skin, and now that I’m apparently losing my flat to my ex-girlfriend, there’s no better time to think about staying here.In Stoney Grange. The thought alone feels like stepping backwards, even if it shouldn’t.
If ever there was a time for me to show everyone what sort of man I am, it’s now. I just wish I hadn’t learned the truth about the girl I finally admitted my feelings for, so late.
Because the truth is tearing me apart.
I can’t stay away from Morgan how her father wants me to. Not now. As heartbreaking as it was to hear that she’s sick, the truth that he shared has left me angry with him. In fact, fucking fuming is a better way to describe it.
Driving home, I couldn’t breathe. The words hung in the air like the world just stopped turning for me. Reciting them, I waited as if the punchline was coming. The explanation.Anythingthat would make it untrue.
It never came.
And everything I thought I knew, is now brutally split open.
